“Valium, prozac, and ritalin. Breakfast of champions.”

Justin’s rating: Mambo number six

Justin’s review: In recent years, I’ve grown in my admiration of director Albert Pyun the more I’ve watched his films. He’s not a guy who’s known by the mainstream or has any big, well-known hits under his belt, but he did churn out a wide range of ambitious, creative, and entertaining cult flicks. Some of my favorites of his include 1990’s Captain America, Nemesis, and Brainsmasher… A Love Story.

You know who was also a fan of Pyun? Rapper/actor Ice-T, who teamed up with the director for several projects. One of these is considered a “must watch” by followers of both men, and that is today’s Mean Guns.

You’re going to want to obtain and use a five-point seat harness for this plot, lest you find yourself knocked flat onto the floor by its brilliance. And by that, I mean “unhinged lunacy.” The idea here is that Ice-T is Vincent Moon, the leader of a powerful crime syndicate that has just finished building a prison. To house itself? That seems a little at cross-purposes with crime, but I’m sure stranger things have happened.

Stranger things like said syndicate luring 100 people that have offended it the most to said prison for a contest that involves guns, death, and 10 million for the last three men or women standing. Obviously, there is no leaving because, well, prison.

You’d think that questions would be raised the next day when the prison officially opens and there are bullet holes and dead bodies everywhere. Maybe they could pass it off as a weekend paintball marathon gone wrong.

(Actually, we see no blood or property damage, probably because this was an actual prison that had yet to open and gave permission to film there as long as they didn’t make a mess of the place.)

Expectedly, there’s a whole lot of gun fights and brutal brawls, almost nonstop at some points. The fact that the contest allows for three winners encourages everyone to team up to form alliances drives what little plot there is forward. Teaming up in this battle royale are meek whistleblower Cam (Deborah Van Valkenburgh, The Warriors), fire-cracker killer D (Kimberly Warren), cold-blooded Marcus (Michael Halsey), and cocky assassin and devoted father Lou (the ever-stoic Christopher Lambert, Fortress) who’s also haunted by a ghost kid.

Lou, by the way, brings his daughter to the prison and then leaves her in the car while he goes and kills a few dozen people. Such a great dad.

Other characters in this soiree include a stone-faced Brit, two wise-cracking hitmen friends, a female assassin, an improvisational hooker, and a whole lot of cannon fodder.

It’s clear to me that Albert Pyun wanted to make the most ’90s cool-themed movie possible with this one. Everyone swaggers, preens, and poses while the camera shoots this like a music video set in a prison. There’s plenty of Hong Kong-style double-fisted gun action. Also, it’s chock full of mambo music. The end result is a style that’s so cheesy and over-the-top that it wraps right around to being awesome.

I also like how Ice-T didn’t merely assume the role of a gamesmaster who made droll quips; he jumps right into the contest himself because he loves the killin’. I strongly suspect that his character set up this adult game of tag because he was lonely more than wanted a lot of revenge.

Having 100 people go at each other feels far more chaotic and wild than your one-versus-12 terrorists setup. It allows for a high bodycount and a near endless opportunity for abrupt firefights to start and quickly conclude. Some of the action’s good, some of it is implausible or confusing. After a while, it keeps going and going with so many cuts that Michael Bay looked at this movie and reportedly said, “Chill out a bit, y’all.”

What’s even better is how these sheer numbers mean that we don’t really know who these people are until we’ve spent some time with them. Their relationships and motives start to emerge over the course of the evening, and the ending is not necessarily something I saw coming. It’s even uncertain who the main protagonist is supposed to be for a good long while. When’s the last time a movie made me wonder that?

Problems? Yeah, Mean Guns has a few. You almost never know where anyone is in this prison in relation to anyone else, as the facility contains a lot of nondescript rooms and hallways. The nearly two-hour runtime is too long for this shallow-but-glitzy presentation. If it was tightened up to a lean 90 minutes, I would be even more enthusiastic in giving my recommendation. And it’s obvious that all of the actors weren’t present all of the time, which leads to several scenes with doubles and misleading camera shots.

However, the slightly unhinged, delightfully odd, somewhat humorous nature of Mean Guns elevates it above the mountain of generic action garbage that litters this landscape. It’s simply not something you’re going to watch and think, “I’ve seen this a million times before.” And chances are, you’ll say that with a smile on your face.

Intermission!

• There is a director’s cut of this if you want even more, although I think that it’s plenty long enough
• Did not expect this movie to begin with a poem by Ice-T
• The newspaper about a new prison calls it a “prinson”
• Some crime people don’t like it when you swear
• The impromptu dance party in the elevator
• “What if we don’t want to play?” [gets shot] “THEN DON’T”
• That’s the biggest Mexican standoff ever
• Lambert channeling his Highlander with that baseball bat
• “I would’ve thrown that knife by now.”
• Don’t mind the angel of death over there
• AHH CREEPY GHOST KID!
• The bad guys reflected in the sunglasses
• Watch out for the snipers
• Four is better than three, haven’t you heard?
• “Hi there!”
• Death by pots and pans?
• “I’m lost.” “Of course you are, you’re stupid! heh heh”
• “Wrong time. Wrong place. Wrong life.”
• “You’re going to shoot me dead as Dickens, right?”
• Don’t pick up suitcase bombs, they’ll set your hair on fire