“Where are we, by the way. Does anybody know?”

Drake’s rating: A shark movie conspicuously devoid of sharks

Drake’s review: Watching stupid people do stupid things is a ridiculously large part of my Mutant Reviewer experience. Granted, that’s on me since I generally* pick out what movies I review. Even so, Open Water 2: Adrift is possibly the pinnacle of cinematic stupidity, as the actions on display here are so monumentally moronic that you wonder how the instigator of this imbecility manages to function on a day-to-day basis.

Oh, right. He gets by on his looks. Never mind.

The good-looking idiot in question is called Dan, but, as with the names of most everyone in this movie it gets used so rarely that I will simply call him Boat Guy. Now Boat Guy and his friends are seen in a pre-credit sequence filming themselves being young twenty-somethings. This immediately causes me no small amount of trepidation, as all indicators are that this will be a found footage film and I’m in no mood for jumpy camera work and the leaps of logic to be found in filming your friends being eaten by sharks instead of dropping the darn camera and maybe giving them a hand. Fortunately, however, we shift gears during the title sequence and it becomes a normal cinematic experience and I am saved from savaging this movie over a poor choice of filming format.

I will instead turn to savaging Boat Guy.

Now Boat Guy should be, by all rights, dead, as in that pre-credits sequence he was happily spinning around with the camera until he fell off of a rock face. But, no, with the luck of fools on his side, Boat Guy not only survived but evidently thrived, as five years later he’s invited his friends to go out on the ocean on his yacht. Coming along for the ride are old friends Bike Guy (who is distinguishable from Boat Guy only by his three-day beard) and Athletic Girl, as well as Wife. Wife has gone on to marry Husband, who is not one of the old gang, but seems like a nice guy. Wife and Husband also have a baby who they bring along. Wife, by the way, wears a life vest even while walking on the dock, as she’s terrified of the water.

Will this be a plot point? Of course!

After meeting Blonde Girl as well, who is Boat Guy’s date, they head out onto the open sea, where all sorts of things will go amiss. Even as we find out that Wife and Boat Guy have a past (they dated in high school), the other four jump into the ocean for a swim. Which is all well and good, but then Boat Guy gets the idea that it would be hilarious to pick up the clearly thalassophobic Wife and jump into the water with her!

I really can’t wait for a shark to turn Boat Guy into a Saturday afternoon snack.

So not only does poor Wife go into shock pretty much on impact, but our 2006 Idiot of the Year, Boat Guy, also forgot to put down the ladder so all six are trapped in the ocean and unable to get back on board the yacht.

Now I will admit that Open Water 2: Adrift offers up some fairly decent moments. But the stupidity on display here so outweighs the cheap thrills as to be distracting. Consider for example the idea of tying everyone’s swimsuits together to form a makeshift rope, one end of which is successfully tossed onto the yacht’s railing. So who would be your nominee to climb said rope? Personally, Athletic Girl would be the number one pick in my draft, but instead Boat Guy (or maybe Bike Guy…they’re seriously hard to tell apart) attempts to haul his 200 pound frame up that fragile assembly instead, with predictable results.

This doesn’t only happen once, by the way, but twice. That’s just inexcusably lazy writing, with no thought given to the abilities of those involved in a literal fight for survival.

The lazy direction comes to the fore every time the anchor is shown, by the way. It’s in the raised position, so in the fairly active currents on display the yacht would happily be moving away from our stranded sextet in a steady manner, forcing them to swim to even keep up. I’m assuming the idea was to not let the characters have an anchor chain to climb, but again, that’s just lazy. The open ocean is a very active place and things don’t just stay motionless.

It’s that kind of laziness on display that keeps Open Water 2: Adrift from being anything more than a mediocre thriller. The cast is game despite being saddled with simplistic characters (and, in the case of Boat Guy, a cretin of legendary proportions), but the production is saddled with errors that require the viewer to accept leaps of logic that could traverse the Grand Canyon.

I’m starting to think that maybe Open Water isn’t the best movie to kick start a franchise from.

*Yes, I’m still recovering from The Barbarians. Thanks for asking!

Intermission!

• “Based on True Events.” I’m expecting nothing but 100% authenticity from this movie now.
• Hand bra. Is this PG-13?!
• Uh-oh. Bike Guy put on Boat Guy’s captain’s hat. Now I can’t tell them apart anymore.
• Again, the anchor is raised but the boat isn’t moving. Maybe they have the hand brake on.
• I will say this: They are certainly adrift in open water. I appreciate the frankness in titling on display here.
• Oh, he said he was sorry. OK, you’re forgiven for stranding your friends in the ocean.
• Blonde Girl is panicking. The others are clearly considering sacrificing her to the shark gods.
• Hey, we can reach the cell phone! Oops… Yeah, that could have gone better.
• Leg cramp! Husband needs more potassium. Bananas, dude. Seriously.
• OK, evidently not PG-13.
• I’m starting to think Boat Guy knows absolutely nothing about boats.
• Accidental stabbing. That’s, y’know, gonna attract some sharks. Hopefully.
• And then there were five…
• Whoops! Four. I meant four.
• “It’s all my fault.” Well, yes, Boat Guy! Did you think that fact was somehow in dispute?
• The baby found time to put on makeup. And grow a full head of hair. How long have they been in the water…?
• Well, that was a weird ending.
• Wait…no sharks? Not even a dogfish? My expectations are not so much subverted as dashed cruelly upon the rocks.