“Me-tal out-fit!”

Justin’s rating: Another movie title that has no bearing on its contents whatsoever

Justin’s review: If you were visiting another planet for the first time, it’d be the worst stroke of luck to arrive there during a global world war. If I was that alien visitor, I’d call for an immediate evac to some sort of tropical pleasure planet where the worst danger I’d be in would be overeating on pillow mints.

That’s not what extra-terrestrial scream queen Elizabeth Kaitan does, as she plays a visitor named Sabina who gets her fashion tips from Nancy Reagan and wants to learn what it is to love. In a war zone. Obviously, her species doesn’t boast the best intelligence department.

Sabina gets captured by the fascist Security Control, which I guess is what’s in charge of the remnants of humanity. She’s all bubbly and dumb while John Saxon (!) tries to interrogate her unsuccessfully. It would take a rebel with a heart of steel, a facial stubble of laziness, a braided ponytail of machismo, and a katana of cosplay to break her out.

Happily, Aftershock has such a cocky rebel in the form of Willie (Jay Roberts), a dude who really, really wants to be in a mixed martial arts exhibition but has to settle for judo-chopping his way through the wasteland. He pals up with an Eddie Murphy copycat (who’s also into karate), who both agree to keep Sabina out of the hands of the bad guys and scoot her back to her portal so she can return home.

I don’t know who’s teaching all these guys taekwondo in the apocalypse, but considering how all the rebels seem to do is excitedly kick and punch against bad guys with rifles, it’s an undeniable passion. The only way this works is that these troopers are incredibly considerate and don’t attack or even seem that concerned until it’s their turn to fight.

Willie also has the most incredible reflexes and plot armor I’ve ever seen in a movie hero. Every shot he fires kills a guy. He also takes down about 16 people with his katana, enjoying the opportunity to strike a pose after every kill.

The only thing that makes this movie watchable is Sabina, who spends the first part of the movie grinning at all of the death around her, hi-fiving people, and mimicking the various words and phrases that people use without understanding what they are. “Me-tal out-fit” is no “mul-ti-pass,” but it’s got its charm.

Eventually, she absorbs the internet or something so that she can talk. Talk adorably, I should add. She also goes on a random road trip with a guy in a bow tie singing showtunes. Sabina is a splash of color and personality in an otherwise drab movie. We needed more of that.

This movie found a big abandoned factory and made that the entirety of this brave new world. That, plus a couple motorcycles, a platoon’s worth of riot gear, a rusty bus, and a whole lot of bar codes (because “future”) is all the set dressing you’re going to get to buy into this alternate reality. Is it enough? Not really, but for what it is, it certainly looks dystopian. I just wish that there was more of a budget for location scouting.

I found it pretty funny that the whole reason that Security Control wants Sabina is because they get obsessed with her dress (which is presumably made of metal and indestructable). It’s only later that they — and everyone else — realizes that she’s an E.T. as well. A dress? Well, wars have been fought for less.

Unfortunately, once Sabina’s fish-out-of-water status is normalized, Aftershock devolves into a rote Mad Max clone with lackluster firefights, stuntmen driving cars without seatbelts, some mutants, and a few welcome explosions. Also a harmonica. But it’ll all be worth it when Sabina teleports back to her people with — I kid you not — a copy of the U.S. Constitution.

While the setting and story left so much to be desired, I grew affectionate toward the kooky optimism of Sabina (“Wheels!”) and the utter ’80s posturing of Willie. Also, it’s got that freaky looking guy from The Hills Have Eyes (Michael Barryman), who’s always worth a movie ticket or two.

Intermission!

• Showering in the future is done (a) outside and (b) with clothes on
• Standing on a tiny platform attached to the front of a car going through a warzone doesn’t strike me as a safe technique, but you do you
• This movie is brought to you by a whole lot of blood squibs
• The evil shock troopers wear both riot helmets AND gas masks. That’s got to be uncomfortable.
• “Me-tal out-fit!”
• Why not dress like Nancy Reagan if you want to blend in!
• Whole lot of seductive snake dancing in the apocalypse
• Haha the bad guy up-kicking the posing rebel in the face
• “How do I get the feeling you’re not here to take my breakfast order?”
• I did laugh when Sabina copied the guy’s hand gesture and went, “Wheels!”
• Why do cars need roofs and windows when they can all have roll bars?
• The Food Rationing Wars of ’98
• That’s a whole lot of rappelling and stick fighting and bag tossing. BEST REBEL ARMY EVER.
• Truly evil men tote around tiny little adorable puppies
• “She has the metabolic rate of a newborn child.”
• Sabina can make things glow blue!
• If you’re shooting a prisoner at point-blank range, cover your face theatrically
• Oh, they gave her a copy of the U.S. Constitution. That’ll help her race.
• Crossbows and bows are surprisingly effective at taking out entire platoons
• “Maybe I’ve been killing the wrong people.”
• Riding motorcycles through tunnels looks like fun
• Some guys still like to wear suspenders and bow ties in the apocalypse
• This is the worst improv song ever, complete with harmonica