“Human females enjoy stories about one person dying slowly. The males prefer stories of many people dying quickly.”

Justin’s rating: Carmen Electra may have some potential here

Justin’s review: How do you freshen up the stale old romcom formula? One approach is to frame the story as a documentary made by aliens who are trying to study and understand our odd culture. That leads us into one of the strangest movies of 1999, The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human.

Aside from being a mouthful of a title, this film is all about looking at our romantic lives from a bizarre viewpoint. David Hyde Pierce (Frasier) narrates this National Geographic-like docufakery about the “complex, perverse, and tragically beautiful” mating rituals of our species.

As one might expect, the alien narrator is a mixture of oblivious and insightful, calling out how silly we are for much of what we do. He tells the story of “The Male”  (Mackenzie Astin, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie) and “The Female” (Carmen Electra, Scary Movie) who meet at a club and embark on a bumpy relationship that goes from courting to dating to marriage and beyond.

Fortunately, there are a few surprises that spring out of nowhere, such as the girl’s out-of-nowhere karate mastery or an appearance of the Sperminator or the couple making faces at each other during lovemaking to see who’s “prettier.” I should mention, it’s a slightly weird sex ed film at times. The best running joke — literally a running joke — is seeing guys wearing swimmers caps and either an “X” or “Y” trying to dash to the finish line of the egg.

You know how most romcoms might have one tasteful sex scene with a lot of candles? The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human chucks in about eight of them, but not necessarily in a sleazy Cinemax kind of way. Still, it’s a lot. Wasn’t expecting that here.

What’s perhaps most odd is seeing Carmen Electra trying to play a character not in her lane — a girl-next-door who giggles and has lower self esteem. She’s adorable in a way, but not believable as someone who might find this bland dork interesting. Also, it’s a little strange when Lucy Liu shows up as the woman’s friend every so often.

Let’s not kid ourselves: If it wasn’t for Pierce’s deadpan narration that often misses the actual truth of the situation, this would be a pretty dull story. And to be honest, even with it, sometimes this felt like a one-note joke stretched out over 90 minutes. I just wish that the comedy was in the storyline and not confined to the weird cutaways and narration.

Intermission!

• The translation credits — universal translator
• Is there any song more 1999 than “100% Pure Love?”
• Bouncers are “mighty warriors”
• “This one is clearly reserved for wealthy tribal chieftans.”
• Dancing is an attempt to dislodge your egg from your uterus
• Is that an alien frog?
• “He would be devoured on the first hunt, she fears.”
• Using a computer mouse: “He places his fingers on the rodent’s buttocks and gently taps against its cheeks.”
• “This is a human thing. It makes no sense to us either.”
• “She pulls a bone out of her skull. She is ready.”
• Carmen Electra looks adorable eating corn on the cob
• Human females emit no odors to let males know when to make their move
• The guy is a truly awful dancer
• Seed-shooter?
• “The pack rejoices.” [high five]
• Spermicide as a Terminator
• That dad has a lot of guns
• That’s a lot of weird bowing
• Making faces at each other during sex
• The sperm playing cards
• The old lady is an alien herself
• “The female tries to mate with her own pack, but that is a whole ‘nother movie.”
• She gives birth on her wedding day?
• “So let’s not blow up their planet after all.”