“Everybody loves the soldiers until they come home and stop fighting.”

Anthony’s rating: One Hanson brother out of three

Anthony’s review: So I was watching Goon and starting to get a little bored to the point where I got seriously focused on clipping my nails and then cleaning up the stubborn little dirt that keeps hiding under them. And it suddenly hit me why I was getting so blasé: I was dead sober. No, I didn’t get skunk drunk to finish it off, but I did try to remember the way I felt when I first watched Slap Shot, one of the most beloved sports movies ever made and arguably the best hockey movie so eat your heart out Rob Lowe. Said feeling, I could not muster here at all. Because THAT time I was skunk-drunk. Maybe, just maybe, it’s also because playing glorified hockey violence for laughs just isn’t a safe bet in this day and at my current age.

As is often the case, the claim that this film is based on a true story is a bit of an overstatement. The only element of truth there is here is the bare-bones plot: A burly brawler with little education becomes — for some obscure reason — an enforcer for his beloved local hockey team even though my grandmother’s shiatsu drives better than he skates. The real-life goon was named Doug Smith, while his cinematic counterpart is renamed Doug Glatt (Sean William Scott). He’s a doofy bouncer for a local dive bar who gets into it with a hockey hooligan during game in the stands and easily takes him out.

Obviously, that wins him an invitation from the team’s coach to step on the ice. Soon enough, a bigger club calls him up to watch over their once-promising super star, a French Canadian (why are WE always the goddamn wimps!) whose confidence was shaken badly when getting viciously checked by aging thug Ross Rhea (Liev Schreiber). As Doug impossibly leads his mates toward a playoffs spot, he also races toward an inevitable showdown with Russ, the veteran he’s pushing out of the game.

Maybe my dislike stems from the fact that right from the opening we’re treated to an overindulging Jay Baruchel, who uses his status of co-screenwriter (he also directed the sequel) to take off the gloves and allow himself every and any crudity and impropriety, as if exacerbated by having done a high-priced Disney flop with Nic Cage and quite eager to give the mouse the finger. I like Jay — homeboy hails from my province and even filmed his first TV show in my hometown (which, ironically, was called My Hometown) but he tries way too hard to position himself as the slender equal to his buddy Seth Rogen. Here’s a tip Jay: Everybody’s sick of Rogen’s shtick, so please clean up your act.

Or, as previously stated, maybe it’s just the fact that everything centres around the glorification of a guy whose only tangible talent is to beat the crap out of others. But Doug’s not a bully, everyone says; he’s a really nice guy who just happens to break jaws very well. Sure, of course, right. But couldn’t you ask someone to actually write you a movie? I mean with actual dialogue? OK, maybe keep one of your jokes or two (the 69 jersey joke was easily the funniest one), but overall…

You know what? I know what’s bothering me: It’s not written by Kevin Smith. I’ve been waiting and keeping hope for Hit Somebody for SO long I’ve subconsciously allowed myself to hope this would be View Askew quality.

Did I like something in Goon? Yes, I did. Liev Schreiber with a handlebar ‘stashe. The dude looks so cool with that ugly thing hanging form his nose, it was enough to make me forgive the atrocious attempt at a Canadian accent. Want a tip too, Liev ol’ Buddy? There IS no Canadian accent, and we certainly don’t sound like we’re all Irishmen raised in Australia by Austin Powers’ inbred cousin! But, you know, otherwise his solid, layered and even funny work is the saving grace of a film that should’ve been much funnier, and is admittedly the funniest minor-league hockey comedy since Slap Shot, but certainly can’t hold a candle to the it.

Overall, I’d say this worth the watch if you catch it on TV or Tubi and you got nothing else going, but otherwise I’d suggest to instead revisit the glorious grime of the ’70s to watch Reggie Dunlop and his posse go at it against Dr. Hook (whose thespian passed away recently, RIP you marvellous movie villain!).