“Give my regards to King Tut, a-hole!”

Justin’s rating: If my toilet is a stargate as I suspect, I want to deeply apologize to the aliens on the other side for what comes through.

Justin’s review: As a geeky scifi fan who grew up in the ’90s, I feel absurdly blessed by the abundance of new and expanded properties we saw in that genre. It seemed like every other week some film or TV studio was cranking out some novel concept, such as what we got with one of Roland Emmerich’s earlier efforts, Stargate.

Before he was all about ending the world on a bi-weekly basis, Emmerich was a heavy scifi nerd and wanted to make an epic movie to reflect that. Stargate certainly did that, becoming a surprise hit in ’94 and spawning several popular TV series that ran from 1997 to 2011 before exiting the pop culture scene.

I know I saw Stargate in theaters, not to mention numerous times on video. It was a film I always wanted to like a whole lot more than I did, but it’s not as if I hated it. Just kind of a “mixed bag” situation. However, it’s been decades since I last visited this Egypt/alien mash-up thing (I forgot it was really long at 2 hours 10 minutes!), so I’m curious to see how my impressions might be altered in this film’s 30th anniversary.

Decades after a mysterious giant stone circle was discovered in Egypt, enthusiastic scientist Daniel Jackson and psychically scarred soldier Jack O’Neil (Kurt Russell) are called to lead a team through a portal and into the unknown. These stargates can dial up different places in the universe to allow near-instantaneous travel.

What they find on the other side is something weirdly familiar — pyramids, Egyptian gods, and laser staves, just on a different planet. Somebody’s been contaminating our world with alien influences, and Daniel and Jack have to figure out who they are and how dangerous they might be to us if they came through.

I really enjoyed the first part of this movie that builds up the mystery and anticipation of activating the stargate — something that takes 23 minutes to happen. It feels like the launch of a space shuttle with the nerves of tinkering with the unknown, all under the intense gaze of scientists and military. And that first trip through the gate still does a great job of conveying a rapid trip across unimaginable spans of space, followed by the thrills of exploring an alien planet.

Unfortunately, Stargate slows down in its midpoint where Jack and Daniel go to Space Egypt and gradually see that the only way home is to bridge the language gap with the locals, find the coordinates to the Earth stargate, and help oppressive natives fight against Ra and his powered-up cronies.

By utilizing Egyptian themes, Stargate manages to evoke both time travel and Star Trek-like exploration of a strange new world. I remember wishing that this movie had gone to more than just one alien planet, but in hindsight, the singular focus was the smart move.

It was more than an OK time revisiting Stargate and having all sorts of latent memories triggered. It does make me wonder what Emmerich’s career trajectory might’ve been if he had stuck with low-to-mid-budget scifi rather than vapid spectacle and extravagances. Maybe he went too big, too fast, I dunno.

Louise’s rating: 3 out of 5 androgynous villains. Also, they should never have cancelled Stargate Universe.

Louise’s review: My view on Stargate is that it is okay, but nothing special, and it hasn’t aged particularly well.

It ticks all my boxes: James Spader is an actor whose career I like to follow (through Pretty in Pink and Mannequin to Secretary. One of my favourite tropes is ‘likeable academic-type must put down the books and take ACTION!’ Also, I am very into alternative archaeology, and the premise of Stargate is basically ‘Erich von Daniken was right!’

I used to record it when it came on the gogglebox and then I bought the DVD, but only when I saw it in a charity shop for £2.99. All the components are right, I quite like it, and yet, Stargate doesn’t really rise to greatness.

Spader is a floppy and specky student of ancient Egyptian linguistics. Russell is the flattest-topped flat-top in motion picture history. The story is a fun combination of advanced-civilization science fiction and rather racist edge-of-Empire cliche, where our heroes confront a strange tribe of natives who proffer the parts of the animal Westerners never eat, mistake you for a god, and in the morning you realize you’ve unwittingly married one of their females, and if you protest you might end up in the pot yourself.

Then there’s a revolution that would make Tom Paine proud and some EXPLOSIONS. Funny scenes abound – I like how the American soldiers and alien/human desert-dwellers learn how to communicate with each other through food, the teenage boys learn about guns (actually… that shoudn’t be encouraged…), and the villain Ra has a really handy sarcophagus and a court of children. Children! What the…?

However, certain things really get on my nerves. While it may be explained in the Stargate SG-1 TV series, from watching the film I have no idea how the stargates (upright stone rings which get all watery and portal-y and send you across the universe) work. They talk about symbols and the ‘point of origin,’ but it goes straight over my head.

Dr Jackson (Spader) learns the language of the desert-dwellers in about five minutes – completely unbelievable – and then he decides to remain on a primitive desert planet for the sake of a desert bloom he fell in wuv with in, again, about five minutes. Couldn’t he take her to earth? The special effects are rather clunky by today’s standards – but I still think those Anubises are way scary.

Do rent it if you get the chance, because it’s quite fun. At the very least, it’s down to this film that we had the joy of Stargate Universe for two years.

Kyle’s rating: For the television show it spawned, the film is grrr-reat!

Kyle’s review: I didn’t get pulled into the big Stargate hype back in high school, when the movie was a smash hit and the action figures sat tantalizingly on the shelves at my Colorado Media Play. Sure, the movie sounded like fun sci-fi (right up my alley!) and the Stargate toy that came with the Kurt Russell figure looked really intriguing. However, something about the movie just didn’t intrigue me like that piece of plastic did, so I was content to wait for my grandma to pirate me a copy when Stargate came out to rent.

And the beat goes on.

I was glad I waited, and I’m still glad. Stargate has a really cool set-up but, as mentioned in countless other reviews, once our heroes reach the distant alien planet the focus mutates from cool and thoughtful science to tired and repetitive action. Still, it’s all good, party people! There’s plenty here to keep your interest!

I really dig the television show, but the film has only three things going for it: the eccentric heart of the film, James Spader, and the stiff yet heroic Kurt Russell. Spader deserves to be send off-planet because that’s clearly where he belongs, and Russell deftly deals with the tragedy of his character (his son killed himself with Russell’s handgun) while taking command of every situation.

If you’ve got to trust a military expedition to another world, you better send at least two trustworthy hero types like Spader and Russell along with the rest of the Aliens-inspired grunts. Certainly you can guess which military dudes are going home and which are staying put in puddles once the evil aliens attack, but at least you care about what happens with Spader and Russell. Even if their action figures (which I eventually bought this year!) are crap!

Really, Stargate is solid entertainment for your next rainy day to kill a couple hours. The heroes are strong and, um, heroic, and the evil enslaving aliens (especially uber-androgynous Jaye Davidson as evil leader Ra) are very E-V-I-L and S-T-R-O-N-G. You might think the good guys are in trouble, but this is a family show so without giving anything away I can tell you not to worry too much.

So, yeah, Stargate = good. It’s kind-of-somewhat ham-fisted “America rules!” propaganda mush like 1996’s Independence Day was, but it’s good-natured and well-made enough to keep you entertained for an afternoon.

And man, once you get the back story here in the movie try to watch the television spin-off Stargate SG-1, with Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver!) as O’Neill and Michael Shanks as Jackson, because the TV show is the cat’s meow, dig it! The cool premise of the stargate is taken to logical extremes and the true exploratory spirit of original Star Trek lives on through the early seasons. Now if only they’d make new action figures for the show, the movie ones were really bad.

Lissa’s rating: Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a Fifth Avenue bar.

Lissa’s review: If I listened to Hollywood, being a scientist type would be easy. All I would have to do is be brilliant in some obscure field, and have a super-crazy theory, like Atlantis exists or life in outer space is trying to contact us or male pregnancy or human beings are evolving to have super powers or the pyramids were built by aliens.

Then I would just have to give lectures (always well-attended, for some reason) and wait until my money all ran out, unless I was shacked up with a telepathic cop and a kid that wasn’t ours. And then, just as they were about to evict me, a mysterious person would show up and offer me unlimited amounts of money and technological resources beyond my wildest dreams if I’d come work for them. I’d protest for a moment, naturally, because even though I’m a scientist I’m a starving artist at heart, but then they’d offer me some token that made it clear they knew more about me than I thought anyone knew, and I’d have to accept.

For the record, those scenarios I reeled off? Disney’s Atlantis, Contact, Lost, Heroes, and Stargate. Why can’t I ever be a cliché?

So, we start with the oldest scientist cliché in the movies- or at least one of the most popular. And okay, Daniel Jackson (James Spader) is a linguist, not a hard scientist, but you get the idea. Daniel would be the pyramids guy, and he’s whisked off to a super-sekrit government military facility, and introduced to the Stargate. Naturally, he figures out its secret in two minutes (movie time, but still very quickly), because part of the scientist cliché is that you have to throw convention in everyone’s faces.

Add in a grieving Colonel Jack O’Neil, a bunch of redshirts, and some fairly cheesy (by today’s standards, for sure) special effects, and you’re whipping through space on a whirlwind adventure.

You know, I think Stargate was probably the first non-Star Wars sci-fi movie I ever saw. My family considers me a total geek for loving sci-fi and fantasy. It’s an opinion that doesn’t bother me, but it does mean I didn’t get to see a lot of those sorts of movies before I was allowed to go alone. (Instead, I was subjected to things like Police Academy and Curly Sue.) I remember I saw it in theaters in Canada on a youth group trip, and loved it for weeks afterwards. And every time I watch it, I love it. It’s a solid, fun sci-fi movie.

And yet, for some reason, even though I like the movie, I can never, ever remember the ending. I remember the very, very end (who stays where and all that), but I can never remember how Ra is defeated or what happens with the slave kid or the resolution of several of the plotlines. For me, the movie sort of fizzles out somewhere in the middle. I really don’t know why, because it’s not bad… it just isn’t that memorable.

The effects are mediocre and the setting reminds me forcibly of Tatooine and ancient Egypt (which at least makes sense). The acting is decent and the script has some genuinely clever moments. It’s an interesting blend of primitive living and science fiction technology. There’s nothing really wrong with Stargate, and it’s a solid movie, but like I said, I just never seem to remember it. Oh well. At least that way when I rewatch it, it’s almost like having a good new movie to watch.

Intermission!

• That’s French Stewart (stupid alien Harry in 3rd Rock from the Sun) as one  of the soldiers.
• How efficient is a pyramid shape at flying through space?
• Those title fonts are just shy of Papyrus
• Oh man, David Arnold’s theme song still screams “epic” to me
• Aliens like to put on a light show to freak out primitive tribes when they land their space pyramids
• From 8000 BC to 1928 AD to “present day”
• “I’m here in case you succeed.”
• I like that Daniel rips the newspaper and yells a few seconds later, “Can I borrow this?”
• FREEZE AND ENHANCE
• The first opening of the stargate is still so dang cool
• The three worlds in the sky
• Those chunky wraparound sunglasses
• “We each get a tent. That’s nice.”
• Yes, offer your hand and your foreign food to the locals
• Oh, he’s wearing the “kneel before me” necklace, apparently
• Aliens really like candy bars
• “He’s inviting us to go with him.” “How can you be sure?” “Because… he’s inviting us to go with him.”
• These soldiers are like petulant little children. Not very professional at all.
• The kids stealing Daniel’s hanky
• “Well that would’ve been an excellent reason to shoot everybody.”
• Daniel’s bath service
• The pyramid ship coming down with lightning in the storm is pretty crazy cool
• Jack on the kid using the lighter: “Yeah, it’s pretty fabulous.”
• Yes, let’s teach alien kids how to smoke cigarettes.
• “Guess the word ‘dweeb’ doesn’t mean anything to you guys.”
• “CHICKEN MAN! You got it.”
• And now the time where the movie dumps villain backstory exposition all over you
• Ah the mid-90s and its obsession with morphing effects