“Don’t touch me! Don’t you ever touch me!”

Drake’s rating: Puppies make everything better

Drake’s review: Can a movie be sued for child support? I ask because, throughout the 1980s, Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior spawned dozens of illegitimate cinematic offspring that would take up space on video store rental shelves for years to come. Granted, George Miller’s classic action flick may not have intended to inspire such a rash of low-budget knock-offs, but the end result was still a decade of cars crashing into each other and stuntmen flying off of motorcycles all set against a desert backdrop.

Land of Doom isn’t the worst of these movies. Honestly, it’s not even close to being at the bottom of the post-apocalyptic barrel. That doesn’t mean it’s exactly good, but to the movie’s credit it at least plays with the genre a bit and attempts to add a few new elements to the mix, including building the film around a female lead. Harmony (Deborah Rennard, Lionheart) is an understandably anti-social survivor in a post-nuclear war wasteland. Skulking through the wreckage and evading leather-clad raiders, Harmony comes across a wounded Anderson (Garrick Dowhen). Although she’s intent on remaining a loner, the two nonetheless end up traveling together through the desert wastes with scenic Cappadocia, Turkey acting as a suitable stand-in for the Australian Outback.

Harmony and Anderson encounter cannibals and fight off victims of an unnamed plague, and befriend a man named Orland (Akut Duz) who carries around THE CUTEST PUPPY. The action is fairly light in the first two-thirds of the movie. Although the raiders are seen indulging in their weekly bouts of carnage a few times, Harmony and Anderson are more intent on evading conflicts than jumping head-first into them, at least until they come face-to-face the Big Bad himself, the man known as Slater (Daniel Radell).

Ah, Slater. No doubt meant to be a menacing figure with a mask covering half of his face, Slater is less a Lord Humungus-style threat and more what you would think the lead singer for a Manowar cover band might look like. Slater tries to menace our heroes, but even they aren’t buying his tough guy act, and things quickly go south for the raiders when Orland shows up to the party packing a flamethrower. And that’s when the pyrotechnics crew on Land of Doom really get to cut loose and happily blow up everything. Motorcycles, fuel barrels and rock formations all explode in a joyous frenzy of destruction as our heroic trio take down Slater’s crew with abandon.

Seriously, though, this is one of the least intimidating gangs in the annals of post-apocalyptic movies. Riding motorcycles outfitted with so much extraneous production design that they’re noticeably hard to steer and sporting leather and studs stolen from Rob Halford’s wardrobe, they slowly tool around the wasteland looking to victimize those who can’t outrun their ridiculous bikes. Not exactly a forbidding lot here.

Still, Land of Doom doesn’t take itself quite seriously enough to weigh itself down. Orland, an obvious nod to Bruce Spence’s Gyro Captain, is a welcome addition at the midway point, signaling a turn in attention from sadistic cannibals and scarred plague bringers to the relatively lighter threat of Slater’s raiders. Additionally, Harmony is never treated as a sex symbol in the movie, with Rennard staying fully clothed (in sensible for the environment pants and shirt) and eschewing extraneous makeup. I mean, I’ve seen quite a few of these movies, and this is the first one where lip gloss and eyeliner are in short supply after the apocalypse. Although it’s entirely possible that Slater’s been hoarding it all. I could see him doing that.

Land of Doom isn’t a must-see for the genre, and it lacks the adrenaline-fueled automobile mayhem that many of its cinematic siblings reveled in. On the other hand, there’s a decent story here with some likable leads who elevate the whole thing just enough to make it a worthwhile watch, as long as you’re not expecting too much. And of course there’s the puppy. SPOILER: The puppy makes it through the film. There. Now you can watch it without worrying about that precious little pile of fluff.

Intermission!

• In addition to her role in Lionheart as the evil Cynthia, Deborah Rennard was a regular on the hit TV show Dallas.
• OK, they called it Land of Doom and had a metal-masked baddie, and they didn’t name him Victor? It was just sitting right there, guys.
• Oof. I forgot to mention the music. There are a lot of traditional ‘80s synthesizers, and then, once the big showdown with Slater happens, out of nowhere we get that kind of triumphant, bombastic score you’d associate with a Stephen J. Cannell television show. I was expecting the A-Team or the Greatest American Hero to burst through the wall at any time.
• I also didn’t mention the Jawas, because I don’t want to accidentally sick Disney lawyers on anyone connected to this movie four decades later. But yeah, there are Jawas. It’s weird. I don’t know what else to tell you.