“It’s a magical, mystical world!”

Justin’s rating: I’m pretty sure Theo is Rita’s actress’ actual dog

Justin’s review: Do you love the feeling of being tossed into the deep end of a movie without a point of reference to help you get your bearings? If so, you’re a low-level psycho who would be a prime candidate for Flyin’ Ryan.

This movie starts out like a horror film as a mother and son move into the ominous country home of a controlling old aunt who likes to do aggressive weed whacking in the dark of night and has a serious snit fit if anyone misses breakfast. The kid — Ryan — then falls foul of a pack of skateboarding bullies who pick on him for the crime of having red hair. Seriously, everyone in this movie piles on Ryan for being a ginger. I’m guessing that this did psychological damage to the kid actor, but all for the glory of the film, eh?

So with the odds stacked against him, Ryan needs a boost to help him out. So Aunt Rita gives him special magical reflectors from a relative and then he gets additional instruction from a possible ghost prospector that makes him able to fly. And as he’s flying, he turns into a different actor. Sometimes two different actors.

Yes, I do understand that all of this sounds like a Mad Lib that someone made into a movie on a dare, but it’s part of the alluring charm that is Flyin’ Ryan. Nothing here makes sense, but the movie is barreling forward at 75 mph with nary a care for your feelings on the matter. You best keep up, y’hear?

There is a sheer energy and enthusiasm about Flyin’ Ryan that’s almost able to overcome the mountain of bad filmmaking and incoherent plot elements at play. Almost. It’s the kind of out-of-left-field experience that makes you intensely curious about the writer and director, because you feel that if you could get a handle on their personalities, you’d be able to appreciate the nuance of a kid who’s green screen flying all over the place on magic shoes.

Unfortunately, energy must be met by a competent editor who can organize and make sense of the proceedings. And, oh man, Flyin’ Ryan did not have the editor it needed. The camera does all sorts of gravity-defying moves that would seem excessive in the old Batman TV show and serve only to nauseate the viewer.

As it stands, we must embrace the mystery of its origins and the chaos of its presentation. After all, this is a film that gives us a chase scene that involves (a) classical music, (b) tennis balls tripping up about 17 kids, (c) a karate instructor round-kicking a kid and then hopping over a motorcycle, (d) random ATVs, and (e) Ryan’s wonderful flying shoes. I was watching this late at night and wasn’t entirely convinced I hadn’t fallen asleep and was dreaming this.

It’s such a weird movie, you don’t even know. The fact that half of it with Aunt Rita is filmed like a straight-up horror movie and the other half is this light-hearted kid fantasy kept me off-kilter the whole way through. Yet I’m totally digging how deranged Rita is. Her actor goes 110% in every scene, and I want to see people cosplay as her at conventions.

So Ryan and his pre-pubescent girlfriend battle bullies, adopt a stray dog, rescue the stray dog from a gold mine, save Rita from the evil hospital, and make cinema history for being all-around amazing. It’s the best worst thing you’ll see today.

Intermission!

• Just because a title can rhyme doesn’t mean it should. In fact, it probably shouldn’t.
• When moving to a new house in the country, make sure that you arrive at night and park pretty far away from the door so you can be freaked out
• “Rita!” “Maybe she’s DEAD.”
• Weedwacking is best done at night while wildly waving it around in the air
• Theodore McGoobin McGuire?
• EXTREMEly confusing skateboarding
• Ryan, they shoved you into six inches of water. You had to swim out that far to start drowning.
• If you pull a girl into the water with you, the geese will find it highly amusing.
• Night axing is the least suspicious type of axing
• “It’s just mud and weeds from the lake!”
• IRONING BOARD JUMP SCARE
• Seriously, Rita won’t shut up about breakfast
• Rita has Opinions about hospitals
• “Are you having fun yet?” is not the right question when you’re making a kid paddleboat across an entire lake.
• And now we’re at a western ghost town
• Ol’ prospectors like to appear out of a smoke cloud
• He doesn’t have a skateboard? GO BEAT HIM UP RAWR
• “Want me to grind your face in, McGuire?”
• Yes, let’s all run through the class of karate kids instead of easily juking around them!
• Classical music is best for chase scenes
• The karate instructor kicking the kid and then hopping over a motorcycle
• Wait, where did those extra ATVs come from?
• TRASH THIEF
• Yeah go play in the spooky barn. Here’s the key. Try not to get tetanus.
• This movie loves to show off heelys in action.
• If you can’t swim, it’s a good idea to practice flying over a lake.
• “You can’t destroy magic with one dip in the lake. Magic transcends logic!”
• And now the movie takes a 10 minute break to show the kids swimming in a pool.
• Ghosts are more rowdy at night. So I’ve heard.
• “I’ll be back for coffee… and then you.” *butt grab* WHAT IS THIS MOVIE
• Chunky head bully doesn’t ever skateboard. But he’s in charge of a skateboard gang.
• The random girls always standing around and admiring the skateboarders crack me up
• Bullies are always paintballin’ stuff up
• About time Rita lunged out of the darkness at kids with her weedwhacker
• The doctor looks right at the camera to talk
• “Stop moving around so much, are you stupid?”
• “Bassholes!”
• And now for some random belly dancing in a kids flick
• That drawing looks NOTHING like the actual dog
• Always beseech your house ghost for help before setting out on a rescue mission
• Rapelling down a rope turns you into a 20-year-old stunt double for the duration
• The sun set in about 9 seconds
• Did you know that there are no dogs allowed in hospitals? If not, this movie will educate you.
• This may be the first film I’ve ever seen where the end credits feature a voice-over of the names of the stars.