“Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t get over the fact that you can seriously DIE from questing!”

Anthony’s rating: Comfort food made film

Anthony’s review: You know that guilty pleasure we all have, like say, truckers wearing pink bunny slippers at home, or girly-girls listening to Norwegian black metal in secret at nite, or pro wrestlers watching Murder She Wrote reruns with their grandmas, or celebrity chefs putting Cheeze Whiz on celery? That makes for a strange dichotomy in my house where I have a special display for movies I brag of owning a special edition of: Citizen Kane criterion, a metal-cased director’s cut of Donnie Darko, a restoration VHS of Bridge on the River Kwai, the Monty Python 16-ton Megaset… and the bargain-bin DVD of Ronal the Barbarian.

The jokes are crude and lewd and mostly for dudes, the animation is reminiscent of a ’90s video game, the dubbing is often mismatched, the story is paper-thin, and the villain is voiced by Dee friggin Snider. But EVERY time I watch it I can’t help smile and laugh and wanna re-watch as soon as the credits start rolling.

I discovered Ronal by pure chance while working nights back when I had zilch to do but stay awake. I was browsing a now-defunct streaming site called Veetle and stumbled on this little gem mid-movie. I was so flabbergasted by the sheer lunacy it must have taken to greenlight this that I HAD to find and own it. And I must’ve watched it 20 times since.

Produced in Denmark (and originally voiced in Danish) by the guys who made a very popular animated movie called The Trouble with Terkel (seriously, it was playing in some theaters here this summer even though it was made 12 years ago), this film centers on a scrawny slacker who lives among a village of legendary — and muscular — warriors. When pulling sentry duty one night he fails to notice an incoming attack, and his entire tribe is kidnapped by a dark lord — except for him because, well, he’s not much of a threat. However, if he doesn’t free his brethren fast, the dark lord will use their blood to become a monstrous demon and take over the world. His only hope to help on his quest is a hormonal bard, an elf who lost his shelf, and a maiden who chews iron for breakfast.

This thing seriously made me wish I had bothered learning more than three languages when I was a student (the three being English, French, and Canadian) because I’d love to get what was really said. Especially when the giant world-ending demon utters to his (and our own) bemusement an awkward “WTF.” On the other hand, I think the strangeness of the English dub fits perfectly with everything else about that movie that quickly threw my disbelief out the damn window so I could enjoy the fart out of it. Literally, ‘cause farts are an integral part of the film’s humor, but you quickly learn to go with the fart. FLOW, sorry.

I often talk about how every time I try to introduce someone to Bubba Ho-Tep, I get looks of confusion from the poor soul I subjected it to. I tried only once to encourage someone to watch Ronal, and a good long year later I don’t think they watched the second minute of it yet. So to you, dearest reader, I will say this: It makes me laugh. If you’re reading this, then you might need a laugh too, and it’s flippin’ free on YouTube, legally too, courtesy of Edgy Animation Films.

Intermission!

• In 2016, Chinese production company Twinkie Films announced they had acquired rights with the intention to do a live action remake. Still waiting on that.
• The ending song is called Barbarian Rhapsody, sung by floating heads on a black background. The surviving members of Queen have yet to sue.
• The original Danish voice cast include Sven Ole Thorsen who appeared in Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer, and Brigitte Nielsen who headlined Red Sonja.
• Nielsen’s character very much looks like her. In every aspect…
• Despite being an animated film, the F word count is in the Scorcese vicinity.
• Dee Snyder doesn’t sing. I mean in this movie.