” Oh, I’m afraid that won’t work anymore, Cady. I have a new primary user now: me.”

Justin’s rating: Kill it. Kill it with all the fire in the universe.

Justin’s review: The Terminator and Heartbeeps notwithstanding, ’80s movies deeply ingrained into me the notion that all robots were there to be my best buddies, especially if I couldn’t find a human variety. As a kid, I couldn’t wait for the day that Johnny Five came alive, R2D2 came calling, and Max brought me a giant spaceship for an epic roadtrip. It was going to be totally rad, I just knew it.

Now as an adult in 2023, I am legitimately nervous about any robot gaining any sort of artificial sapience. This not only comes from the movies — which have taken a decidedly darker turn with this subject matter — but the way that AI is heading. And then along comes a dump month movie that happened to touch a nerve about all of this to become an early surprise hit of the year.

When a girl’s parents are killed in a car accident, she gets sent to live with her aunt, a toy robot mad scientist (there are more of them than you’d expect). Fussy Gemma (Allison Williams) is woefully unprepared to be a spontaneous parent, and Cady (Violet McGraw) is left adrift in this strange new world.

A little stressed with this unexpected responsibility and trying to finish her next-generation toy android, Gemma decides to kill two birds with one stone by assigning her not-at-all creepy doll robot M3GAN to be Cady’s nanny and new best friend. And so the dream of every ’80s kid is realized, and what begins as a sad story ends up happily ever after. The end.

Oh wait, ha ha, that’s not this kind of story at all. From the very first time she’s introduced, M3GAN looks like she’s ready to audition to be Skynet’s intern. Giving her rudimentary artificial intelligence and putting her in charge of a kid seems a tad reckless. So why not go whole hog and make her self-aware with a learning algorithm? Nothing could go wrong with that!

Oh wait, everything goes bottom-up when M3GAN starts to “learn” a little too much and becomes a controlling over-protective psychotic little murderbot… all in the name of science and a last-ditch attempt to save someone’s job.

Probably my biggest sticking point here is with Gemma’s character. I wouldn’t put her in charge of a gerbil, nevermind a kid — and she’d likely agree with that assessment. She’s a terrible parental figure who actually puts her charge in harm’s way and doesn’t see the danger until it’s almost too late. And what’s the real kicker is that we’re told that Cady’s grandparents are willing to take up guardianship, yet Gemma doesn’t take them up on that option for no good reason.

This movie is, in many ways, a modern version of Child’s Play mixed with some pointed commentary about parents abdicating their roles to technology. Both movies feature kids that get way too chummy with the uncanny valley until their own toys become their personal nightmare. And both movies mix together black humor and tense thrills. It’s not quite a horror, but it definitely lives next door to that genre.

That’s why I think M3GAN clicked with audiences. If it was a straight-up slasher flick, it wouldn’t be quite as memorable as a movie that knows it’s very premise is weird and creepy — and has some fun with it. We know well before the characters do that this robot is pretty alive, and so we’re kind of rooting for M3GAN to defy her creators. It’s not a jokey movie, but it does have some humor to break up the tension — as well as some strategic use of upbeat music.

And it’s kind of fantastic that rather than rely on CGI or an actor in some heavy latex, the makers of this movie went ahead and made M3GAN mostly with animatronics. It’s really the only thing that can get her to achieve the aforementioned uncanny valley effect — that crossroads between human and not-human — and to make scenes such as her famous hallway dance a meme-worthy hit.

M3GAN isn’t a complicated movie, but its patina of this weird creepiness works to keep it interesting even so. At one point in the movie, a teacher thinks that the robot is another kid — until M3GAN moves. Immediately the teacher shrieks and pulls back, giving an honest reaction that probably most of the audience has been feeling since minute 20. It doesn’t take much to make us mistrustful of dolls, evil robots, or clowns, and this abomination is all three rolled into one.

I liked the tech side and the black humor, but slow-burning stress machines like this movie aren’t my jam at all. It’s almost a relief when M3GAN starts her rampage, because at least then we know that the wait for the inevitable is finally over.

But maybe we can start making movies about cool, friendly robots again? I miss that.

Intermission!

• Hey dead dog in the first minute!
• “Amazeballs!”
• A farting robot pet would be tossed right out of my car
• It’s one of those toy companies where everyone’s playing with toys in the hallways, including kids
• Well that naked robot head is terrifying
• It’s the RoboCop pen test!
• Furzi’s butts change depending on their mood
• “Model 3 Generative Android… M3gan for short.”
• She has five Tinder notifications. That’s good for her niece to hear.
• The pain of opening up a collectible is palpable
• This soundtrack is pretty popping
• FLUSH THE TOILET
• That dog is not suitable for children of all ages — and it’s so unrealistic that the owner wouldn’t be arrested when the kid got bit
• So she just spontaneously sings like a Disney princess?
• “M3GAN turn off.” “Are you sure?”
• Ears do not stretch that far
• “This is the part where you run” [cue my eye rolling]
• M3GAN running on all fours
• This company president guy is really unhinged
• “What’s that smell?” BOOM
• THE DANCE
• “Toy Soldiers” on the piano
• Robot vs. Robot