“You here alone, crackerjack?”

Justin’s rating: I want those blue reflective sunglasses

Justin’s review: Look, we pick up movies for all sorts of reasons, some of which are more trivial than others. Maybe it stars someone you like, or it has a crazy cover, or the description has you intrigued. Or perhaps you thought the title Crackerjack sounded kind of cool and reminded you of your fifth-favorite childhood treat. You know, back when they’d put a fun toy inside each box of sugar-popcorn.

Once I found out that Crackerjack was yet another one of the deluge of ’90s Die Hard clones, baby, I was in like Flynn. And hey, it also stars the bad guy from the best Karate Kid, Karate Kid III, and kicked off a trilogy of action flicks, so stop your complaining and keep reading.

Thomas Ian Griffith plays (ahem) Jack Wild, who’s a little more of a cracked-up-Jack due to the backstory killing off his wife and children. Jack has his arm twisted to go on a family trip to a remote ski resort in the Rockies, presumably one mountain over from where Cliffhanger was filming. And wouldn’t you know it, the same terrorist who killed his wife shows up to take the whole place hostage. If only some rogue cop could escape being captured and prove to be the monkey wrench in his plans! And only if that cop could squeeze in a spontaneous romance with the resort’s events coordinator (Nastassja Kinski)!

I don’t know who writes these grizzled, damaged cop character, but someone needed to but the kibosh on Jack’s grumpiness. If you ever wanted to see what a grown man would look like if he was play acting as a moody seven-year-old, this is the film for you. I wouldn’t care so much if we got into the thick of things early, but the movie takes over a half-hour to get to the terrorist takeover, filling it with needless character backstory and moping.

Beyond a doubt, the biggest get for Crackerjack was netting Christopher Plummer as its lead villain, Ivan. Sure, he’s trying to channel all of Hans Gruber the way that everyone was doing in the ’90s, but still, this is pretty high prestige for a C-list knock-off. However, I couldn’t stop snorting in laughter as to how much his crew was set up to remind us of a much better film.

Anyway, they’re all there to steal diamonds, which feels like a placeholder until the script writers could think of something less generic. Their big plan to cover up their dastardly crime is to trigger an avalanche to bury the whole place. Subtle.

The resort itself is pretty impressive, sporting a glacier, incredible views, cave hot springs, cable cars, and weather temperate enough for bikini-clad models to be strutting around a pool. It’s all I had to keep my eyeballs occupied, because the action and pacing is so substandard as to have me rooting for the bad guys just so that Jack would have to take an early retirement. Also the Marines show up — for some reason — but only to get killed like the FBI in Die Hard.

Unfortunately, there’s little else I can point to recommend this. The action is mediocre, the quips lame, the hero petulant, the soundtrack dull, and the plot derivative. If it was absolutely horrible or surprisingly decent, then yeah, I’d be all about Crackerjack. But when you can’t even be in the same league as Steven Seagal, nevermind Bruce Willis, then there’s no reason to waste time on you. Unless you’re a reviewer, of course.

Intermission!

• I loved the puzzled expression the wife makes when he’s yelling at her to get out of the car.
• The best kind of cops are the ones who charge into enemy nests with guns blazing and no regard to protocol or backup.
• It’s always good to spring a surprise birthday party on a cop with PTSD, an itchy trigger finger, and a drawn pistol.
• Always give an angry, irrational cop your baby to hold
• I love how inexplicably hostile Jack is to his nice brother-in-law
• Death by crevasse
• If you go to a black tie dinner, you can leave your baby in the suite and just carry down a monitor. Nobody will mind.
• Our hero, peeping on a woman getting undressed
• These bad guys love to gun people down with little provocation
• Fake drunk Jack is best Jack
• This mob boss saw the Godfather one too many times
• “I’ll castrate him with a blowtorch!”
• All dying mob bosses want to meet the Pope
• “You shouldn’t have done that!” Jack yells to the dead terrorist who stabbed him.
• The Marines are the standard rescue squad for any ski resort emergency
• The helicopter is TOAST
• “The Marines are about to become an airborne division.”