“They remember you, Ralph. Toys are very loyal, and that is a fact.”

Justin’s rating: They’re COLLECTIBLE ACTION FIGURES, not dolls!

Justin’s review: I don’t know how it is with other movie reviewers, but I usually have a short-list of films that I’d love to cover — if I could ever find them. You’d be surprised how hard some movies are to find, even in this streaming age. So trust me when I share that I’ve been wanting to find and review Dolls for years, only to finally stumble over it on Amazon Prime of all places. I made a happy noise that was by no means high-pitched and gerbil-like, and I fulfilled a very specific bucket list item.

Don’t let your assumptions or the basic name of this film discourage you from seeing it. Dolls was the product of producer Charles Band and absolutely legendary cult director Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, Fortress, Robot Jox). It’s a short, gorgeously shot spooky story of the variety that you might tell around a summer campfire.

On a dark and stormy night, a family of three — a negligent father, an evil stepmother (rocking those Cruella Deville furs, no less), and a little seven-year-old girl named Judy — get their car stuck and seek shelter at a nearby mansion. Also joining them is a pair of punk rock thieves and a super nice guy named Ralph who gave them a ride. There, all six meet an odd but nice elderly couple… and their house jam-packed full of creepy dolls that they hand-make.

Dolls en masse are never a welcome sight, but these have a body count behind their off-putting forms. Or do they? One of the very unique aspects of this film is that it engages in a lot of fantasy sequences and psychological horror. Judy has quite the imagination, it turns out, and nobody believes her that the dolls are actually alive.

So if you’re expecting Dolls to be some sort of slow burn until a Chucky-style rampage — it’s not that. It’s as much a fantasy film as it is horror, and it plays out like one of those darker Brothers Grimm fairy tales. The elderly couple aren’t so much sinister as they are otherworldly in their speech and outlook, and it’s clear that they are fond of little girls with imaginations.

After all, as they tell Judy, this is the best house to be in if you have an imagination.

Dolls also refuses to conform to the usual structure. Within a scene, it might bounce rapidly between brief scares, upbeat music, dorky jokes, jaunty banter, freaky atmosphere, and mystery. The dolls are shown to be aware and moving pretty early on, and but it’s unclear if they’re going to be single-minded killers or surprise us with some depth of their own.

Ralph and Judy gain the approval of the toymakers with their clear love of childhood play and possessions. There’s a bit of that Spielberg wonder in all of this. Instead of yelling at all of the characters on the screen to get out of that house ASAP, I told them to stay. It wasn’t a safe place, but there’s a promise of discovery and delight as well when Judy and Ralph started exploring it at night. Kind of like a Willy Wonka factory for the doll set, or a less comedic version of Clue.

And like Willy Wonka, at some point the wonder gets put on the back shelf so that the horror can take over. To not venture into spoiler territory, I can say that the dolls are somewhat more than just murder machines, even if they do get a little stabby from time to time.

It’s hard to describe how absolutely unsettling Dolls handles these titular objects. They look freaky enough sitting stock-still, but every so often their eyes move… and their mouths widen… and I’m going to have a hard time falling asleep myself. Eventually, we get a whole lot of pretty impressive stop-motion antics of the sort you would never get today.

I expected a lot out of this movie — and I wasn’t let down in the least. Apart from some fairly lame acting, especially from Judy, this film felt fresh and vastly different than your typical “evil doll” fare. The setting is amazing, the tone surprising, and the ironic justice perfectly served. The ending? Let’s just say that nothing is quite what it seems — not the people, the house, or especially the dolls.

Intermission!

• Oh I am loving this title card sequence and theme
• “Would you like me to go back and try a second time?”
• The evil stepmother threw that kid’s teddy away into the woods and I am dying
• Oh hai, giant walking teddy bear that morphs into a monster
• “Who’s going to arrest us out here, Count Dracula?”
• She’s afraid of what’s IN the dark. Smart kid.
• That smiling doll made me jump for real
• I liked Ralph almost immediately
• Dolls love activating music boxes to mess with you
• “Suppose there isn’t a morning? Suppose this is the longest night in the world?”
• Carrying a candleabra isn’t that convenient as a light source
• Everyone piling on Ralph for being a suspected pervert
• It’s really hard to rip a doll to shreds
• “My luck they’re rabid.” “I like rabbits!”
• “You know, Ralph. Deep down inside, you know.”
• What’s that? Oh, just the old lady pushing a baby carriage down the hallway and singing to it.
• The doll eyes falling out
• The dolls have organs on the inside when they’re broken open
• Those little toy guns make huge holes when fired
• Mr. Punch got smashed in the head
• “I’ll do the same to you, you old witch.” “He figured it out!”
• “Being a parent is a privilege, David, not a right.”
• “Write to us in advance, dear, and we’ll get the house all dolled up for you.”