“I’d rather that you took me somewhere other than a giant trash can!”

Justin’s rating: I’m super green about this one

Justin’s review: Time has been nothing but kind to Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element. Despite being a weird, wonky, and flawed film, it’s nevertheless become an audience favorite and a highlight of ’90s scifi cinema. This makes me wonder if the same fate is in store for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, Besson’s next attempt at making a French-saturated space opera.

And boy did Besson swing for the fences on this one. Valerian was a monumentally expensive movie, the most an independent or European film had ever cost up to that point featuring over 200 different alien species. And all of it was based on a French comic book series that many people had never heard of:

Set in the 28th century, this movie envisions a vast and diverse galaxy teeming with all manner of life and habitable worlds. At the center of it all is Alpha, an evolving space station that grew over time to feature multiple habitats and civilizations. And at the center of Alpha is the Red Zone, a mysterious and incredibly lethal bubble that’s been swelling.

To plumb the mystery of the Red Zone and what it might have to do with a planet that was destroyed 30 years ago, special agents Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne) are called in to investigate. DeHaan is obviously trying to channel some serious Keanu Reeves and not really getting there, while Delevingne is going for an abrasive, hard-to-get grump. Their partnership is a mixture of antagonistic bantering, synchronized teamwork, personal competition, and a bit of romantic tension. Mostly it’s hokey and forced, but I occasionally liked the energy that their complicated relationship brought to the table.

In fact, if you’re familiar with The Fifth Element, then you’ll be braced for how not-great most of the acting is here. Rihanna as “Bubbles,” a shape-shifting alien, was the most personable character here, floating about in a sea of wooden and stilted performances… including our leads. Oh, and Ethan Hawke and John Goodman have a couple nice bit parts, but they’re really just that: bits.

The agents ping-pong throughout Alpha, a realm suited for extreme visual adventure if there ever was one. We’ve come a long way since A New Hope’s Mos Eisley cantina, but the general principle of wild-and-wooly alien culture clash remains the same. They bump into all sorts of crazy and shady characters as they work their way deeper into this implausible station and toward the pit of this mystery and (of course) conspiracy.

Comparisons with The Fifth Element are as unavoidable as they are apt. Apart from a big name like Bruce Willis in the main role, both movies share a whole lot in common — just on a completely different budgetary scale. The otherworldly design, often nonsensical plot, cool tech (including a heist that takes place across two dimensions), and focus on visuals with a side show of kooky characters would make any Fifth Element fan feel at home.

I mean, this didn’t need to be a $232M blowout, but I’m not complaining. Valerian is a mindless,feel-good action-scifi romp that may get its validation in the future. Or it may be totally forgotten. But if Luc Besson pulled that trick off once, who knows? Despite the lack of a coherent story and good acting, I think it’s worth checking out — no matter how history ends up judging it.

Intermission!

• I like how they show the growth of the space station over the centuries
• Such cool alien designs
• I too wash my face with metal bubbles in the morning
• I have no idea what this opening planet is but I’m heavily invested in its survival
• Let’s info-dump our character traits on the audience, why don’t we
• “Alex, can we see the playlist please?”
• It’s a flying school bus! Wonder if it’s magic…
• “It’s full green, OK?” Fifth Element reference!
• VR controlling a guard is pretty cool
• The magnet ball gun
• That bus has a nice armor upgrade
• That poor “stowaway”
• Whole lot of seatbelting in this movie
• “Move pigeons!”
• I too would like a spacesuit that would let me barge right through walls
• “Can I help? I’m a good driver.”
• A critter that starts to feed on your memories, that’s nice
• Butterfly fishing trap
• The wardrobe alien had me cracking up
• Ethan Hawke!
• Her name’s Bubble
• Another space opera, another trash chute
• This is the least surprising twist ever
• A pistol that shoots shields is pretty cool
• “Was that a yes?” “That’s a maybe.”