“There are goblins in the candy!”

Drake’s rating: Be sure to tune in to TV28!

Drake’s review: So who’s up for a trip back to the ‘80s? OK, not the real 1980’s, but instead a loving facsimile carefully constructed by a team of filmmakers for the WNUF Halloween Special, a faux television broadcast from October 31st, 1987. Mashing together the Amityville house, Geraldo Rivera’s infamous televised jaunt into Al Capone’s hidden vault, and those notorious hucksters Ed & Lorraine Warren, this one’s a delightful retro-treat for your candy bag.

We open on a WNUF TV28 Evening News broadcast, with anchors Deborah Merritt (Leanna Chamish) and Gavin Gordon (Richard Cutting) decked out in Halloween costumes as they warn of the dangers of tooth decay and indulge in cornball witticisms. Field reporters interview a local dentist who is offering to buy back Halloween candy for a dollar per pound as well as Angela Harris, the founder of H.A.R.V.E.S.T., a fundamentalist Christian group opposed to the “Satanic” nature of Halloween.

That’s right, even in the WNUFverse Satanic Panic rears its ugly head.

However, the real star here is reporter Frank Stewart (Paul Fahrenkopf), who is going to lead a team of paranormal investigators inside the infamous Webber House, the site of a horrible murder some 20 years before. Obviously a veteran of the reporting game, Frank alternates between melodramatic intonations on the mysterious nature of the Webber House and semi-sarcastic interactions with costumed locals and the paranormal researchers. Those researchers include Dr. Louis & Claire Berger (Brian St. August and Helenmary Ball) along with their cat Shadow, and Father Joseph Matheson (Robert Long II), a priest brought along to exorcise any pesky demons that might pop up.

But things go awry early on as Shadow bolts and escapes into hidden regions of the mysterious house and the Bergers’ research equipment is found smashed to pieces. A call-in séance follows, with predictably painful results, but things swiftly go from bad to worse and events in the Webber House spin out of control, leaving Frank and Father Matheson trapped in a situation they never could have imagined…

Interspersed with the broadcast are a number of local advertisements which only reinforce the verisimilitude of the WNUF Halloween Special. These commercials, shot for the film itself, bring us dueling politicians, the Carve-O’-Lantern pumpkin carving kit, a man named Phil who is very excited about his carpet warehouse, horror movies hosted by Dr. Bloodwrench, low-budget local access TV shows like “Galaxy Pilot” and “Doggone It,” and much, much more. Really, much, much more. Some of the ads are shown in their entirety, others are fast-forwarded through and accompanied by that VHS squeal familiar to anyone who’s ever owned a VCR.

The commercials admittedly comprise a fairly large part of the run-time of the film, and for some that’s going to be a turn-off. Understandably, not everyone wants to sit through commercials at all, let alone advertisements for products and shows that don’t even exist outside of the WNUFverse. But the ads give the film an authenticity it would have otherwise lacked. Local access TV was inundated with similar fare in the ‘80s, hawking video stores, arcades, barbers, and pretty much anything else that could afford to tape (not film, that was too expensive) a 15-second commercial spot.

Shot on tape itself and artificially aged to perfection, the WNUF Halloween Special is, in the words of writer/director Chris Martina, “a love letter to VHS and public access TV.” And if its a love letter with warts, that’s because the shows it’s emulating were full of them as well. There’s no self-awareness here, and no irony, just a faithful recreation of the kind of local TV that filled small screens across the country over thirty years ago.

So if you want to indulge in a bit of manufactured nostalgia, grab a bucket of popcorn and give this one a try. And if you ever take a trip to the Webber House, be sure to stop by Gordon’s Petting Zoo. Just don’t forget to bring a canned food item or else you won’t get your free pony ride.

Intermission!

• Man, Officer Bookwalter is a buzzkill.
• “Iron Maiden RULES! White Lion SUCKS!” Rock on, Ian from Fairview.
• Wait, Video World has Betamax tapes? In 1987?! That place is gonna get killed by Blockbuster in a few years.
• Not Shadow!!! NOOOOOO
• I’m thinking Dr. Stanley Allen is reselling that “dollar a pound” Halloween candy he’s buying. It’s the only way to explain those posh digs at the Edgewood Shopping Center.
• I have no idea what H.A.R.V.E.S.T. stands for. I’m guessing its members don’t, either.
• As the Halloween Special goes on, the ads start targeting a more adult audience. 100% accurate.
• Darn it, I should have called the Fate Talk Fortune Hotline before signing my Mutant Contract.