“They’re here. And they are not here.”

Justin’s rating: I didn’t even know I *had* a sister, nevermind one infected with werewolfism!

Justin’s review: When The Howling came out in 1981, it greatly helped to usher the werewolf into the (then) modern age of slashers and creature features. But as iconic as that movie was, the Howling series itself wasn’t really born until its sequel came out four years later and upended the apple cart, marked its territory, and bayed at the moon. Friends and frenemies, Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf decided that if it really wanted to leave a mark on the world, it was going to have to be as bonkers insane as possible. Also, it would have to hire Sir Christopher Lee to play the lead role.

Lee is Stefan, a “cult investigator” who makes it his mission to hunt down the dark beasties of the world and drive a stake through their hearts and a silver bullet through their brains. His ultimate goal is no less than taking out the lead werewolf — a 10,000-year-old queen named Stirba (Sybil Danning) — before she can unite all the world’s werewolves. But he’s going to have to cross a punk-saturated wasteland and stab a whole lot of old people in the chest before he gets there. There’s also a whole lot of filler, most notably an extended festival scene in the Prague streets.

Stefan drags along two Americans as backup — a twitchy woman and a lunk-headed sharpshooter. It looks to be the three of them versus an entire village that’s pretty much wall-to-wall werewolves at this point. Thus, backup is required, and Stefan recruits a few locals looking for revenge as the upcoming canon fodder. Eventually, there’s a massive showdown and the werewolves are neutered once and for all.

Until the next sequel, that is.

Out of all the strange factors that make Howling II to be the gonzo entry that it is, the fact that it obviously wants to be a vampire movie is at the top of the list. Unlike the original movie, which was saturated in werewolf lore and tropes, this one might as well be Vamping II: Your Sister is a Bat. After all, Christopher Lee was a staple of Hammer’s Dracula flicks, but it’s much more than that. We’re talking gothic castles, stakes through the hearts, gradual transformations, cemeteries at night, garlic wreaths, psychic powers, and so on.

But even that wouldn’t have made this movie quite so insane if it wasn’t for the decision to film a majority of it in Iron Curtain countries while the KGB kept a mistrustful eye on the cast and crew. It was great for the atmosphere, but a controlled production with extras who understood what was going on, this was not. Scenes randomly meander in all sorts of inexplicable directions, such as a werewolf snuggle party, a sinister puppet show, a punk rock concert, and random attacks by spontaneous lycanthorpes. Even the transitions between scenes are goofy, as if the editor was determined to use each and every type of wipe the computer had available.

Just about everyone who made this movie hated it, yet the unapologetic mess that it is ended up being what made it famous. Howling II is frequently listed high in the pantheon of so-bad-its-great films, and I feel like I’ve checked off an important bucket list item by seeing it. I mean, I’ve also shaved off six months of my life expectancy as well, but that’s why you have bucket lists.

The end result is a movie that’s full of baffling scenes and an approach that seems to replace “werewolves” with “Planet of the Apes costumes” without a shred of shame. Horror movie, someone’s furry fetish, or music video? It’s hard to tell, really. It’s got this unfocused, try-to-look-cool attitude which is defeated anytime one of the werewolves try to posture or act animalistic. It’s absurdly silly, and therein lies the appeal of what would normally be a forgettable follow-up.

Intermission!

• Who wouldn’t want Sir Christopher Lee to kick off their movie with a reading from the Bible against a starfield?
• Hey, buried alive! That’ll be fun!
• “He said your sister is a werewolf!” TITLE DROP
• Lee with those ’80s sunglasses at the punk club
• “You made Deacon mad. And he gets real nasty when he gets mad!”
• If you wanted a movie where people keep howling in echoey places
• It’s broad daylight, why’s she turning into a wereworlf?
• That amazing theme song that’s played over and over and over again
• A werewolf immune to silver but not titanium? Quite the discerning monster.
• The shootout in the cemetery — you have to scream and make a face before you fire
• The skeleton ringing the church bell
• Hitchhikers make good road snacks, especially when they wear short shorts
• Melting faces, howling, and a girl’s life force (?) being drained away
• The weird woman muttering in the road. Not suspicious at all.
• BACK SEAT WEREWOLF… and spiral wipe!
• That werewolf orgy looks really, really tame. More like a snugglefest.
• Everyone sinisterly chuckling at the mention of the “festival of the new moon”
• Garlic wreaths? You’re putting me on now!
• The owl is suspicious
• So many weird types of scene wipes
• They get room 666 even though the hotel doesn’t have six floors
• The BOO bathroom scene
• Sinister Jimmy Smits. You’ll know him when you see him.
• Little person with a throwing knife and flail
• “That’s a definite new kill technique.”
• Wait, Stefan is Stirba’s brother? So he’s been alive for 10,000 years too?
• Stirba’s GIGANTIC ’80s sunglasses
• He lost his earplugs, the poor guy
• She can shoot red lightning from her fingers that makes people’s heads explode?
• The creepy masked little person with the high pitched girly voice… and he gets thrown onto some stakes
• How did Stefan get the Holy Grail?
• “I told you we’d get these FUZZBALLS!”
• Holy water bomb that, ironically, ends in a whole lot of fire
• Who lights all the candles in this place? Because that would be a full-time job
• MINI GARGOYLE ATTACK!
• All good final confrontations have inner narration
• Piggy-back ride!
• “I hope so… I hope so…”
• The most infamous end credits scene ever made