“How about cats? I got plenty of cats. I also got a parrot I’d like to get rid of.”

Justin’s rating: Later gator! After a while, crocodile!

Justin’s review: I think we’ve all heard that urban legend of a small pet alligator or crocodile that was flushed down into the sewers, only for it to grow into an absolute beast in its subterranean lair. It’s one of the hoariest old stories that tickles the imagination into thinking that… you know what? It might be true. Somewhere. Hopefully not here.

This urban legend was plucked as low-hanging fruit for Alligator, a creature feature that may be more sly than you first think.

After seeing a handler get brutally attacked at a gator show, a young girl’s parents are instantly OK with her buying a pet baby gator. But in the very next scene, her dad chucks it into the toilet to go on safari. Twelve years pass, and nothing good has come of this decision. The gator’s continued to grow — and mutate, thanks to eating the corpses of animals used for illegal medical research.

With random body parts turning up at the water treatment plant, Detective Madison (Robert Forester) finds himself pressured to find this “sewer psycho.” But it’s tough going, as everyone makes fun of his bad hairstyle, a reporter is constantly hounding him, and no cop will team up with him due to his partner being shot five years ago. He does get an easily digestible rookie to join the case for a hot minute, but after bumping into the largest alligator on record, nobody is willing to buy his story.

That changes pretty quick when a reporter becomes gator bait and takes pictures of his own killer. This is when Alligator starts getting way more fun, with the city pouring loads of resources — and SWAT teams and the National Guard — down into the sewer to confront the little girl’s impulse purchase. But we know it’s going to come down to Madison to get the job done. He teams up with a big game hunter (Henry Silva) and the aforementioned little girl who’s now an expert herpetologist and a stone-cold cutie (Robin Riker).

Just like Grizzly, Alligator ripped off the Jaws playbook line by line (including its dum-DUM dum-DUM theme music and political obfuscation) — yet like Grizzly, it ends up being far more entertaining than it has any right to be. And I think this is because it’s a semi-plausible setup. Alligators are fierce apex predators, and the thought of seeking one out in a watery sewer on its own turf is pretty nerve-wracking. The dark and water do a lot to hide the limited creature effects, but the wee beastie (“Ramone” is his name, believe it or not) eventually does emerge in all his practical effects glory to rampage through the city.

And rampage he does — through alleys, in canals, and, most memorably of all, at a wedding reception. I don’t think I’ve laughed quite this hard in a long time when I saw a giant alligator crash this wedding, eat half the guests, shrug off gunfire, and thoroughly trash the place. People are flying left and right, the wedding cake gets smashed, the bride thrown into the pool, and the mayor eaten. This right here is why movies were invented.

This quintessential creature feature is full of blustery posturing, gleefully gory attacks, gators walking around miniature sets, and a grizzled detective earning overtime pay. Watching this city fall into a chicken-with-its-head-bit-off-by-a-gator panic over this creature never stopped being entertaining. It’s even more so when you consider that Alligator takes a satirical angle toward its source material. So you can choose to take it straight-up as a horror flick or enjoy the subversive elements. The director clearly knows horror tropes well and often uses that against the audience, such as going so far to kill off a kid by pushing him “off the plank” into a swimming pool containing Señor Ramone.

Either way, you know it’s a good time when you see a big game hunter grunting on camera to imitate alligator calls, crazy people coming out the woodwork with alligator toys, jerks getting their comeuppance, and little doggies getting snapped up left and right.

Intermission!

• “They could do without the fake blood.”
• Ramone… THE KILLER REPTILE OF DOOM
• Who would let their kid buy an alligator? I guess this was 1968. And Missouri.
• Yeah just chuck a little gator into a fish tank filled with toys.
• When a little dog is introduced early on, you know it’s not destined for greatness.
• Toes make for small caskets
• Need more animals to sell for experiments? Just go around the neighborhood and kidnap them!
• Ignore the shady guy pushing around a shopping cart full of dead animals
• Gator’s got his own Jaws theme!
• They cut the puppies’ larynxes so they wouldn’t bark? GATOR DO YOUR DUTY
• The “bomber” with his radio
• Hospital gowns are not flattering
• The little alligator toy in his locker… heh heh
• C’mon, you know you were cheering on the reporter’s death
• SWAT teams are trained with garbage can lids to make a racket
• “Everybody younger than me is a kid.”
• Cop done got his leg bit off
• That’s one very pink shirt, Madison
• Now they’re setting off depth charges? “It’s a wild animal, not a submarine.”
• The guy selling alligator toys
• Alligators are very romantic
• The big game hunter doing all those hilarious noises on camera
• That’s a big pile of alligator poo
• Just stealing all the evidence today, aren’t we?
• “I’m going to go out there, find that alligator, and kick his ass.”
• So many dogs were hurt in the making of this film
• Gator in the pool got that little kid
• “There’s a heavy penalty in this life for fear.”
• Well that’s some casual racism with the “chiefs” and “natives” remarks
• “I could bring my mother. She could talk him to death.” heh
• JUMPING THE GATOR… and then the boat explodes
• The wedding scene along should’ve won an Oscar. Alligator even takes out the cake.
• Alligators like to use their tails as battering rams to smash a car
• All the male-pattern baldness cracks