“You play or I start screaming.”

Andie’s rating: It’s the sport of kings, better than diamond rings

Andie’s review: Most people have never even heard of Wildcats until I make them watch it, but it’s awesome. I love sports movies — football in particular — and this one has a good mix of exciting games and great comedy. It’s also Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes’ first movie together. And Goldie Hawn is in it and she’s just cute as a button.

The premise is Molly McGrath (Goldie Hawn) has been raised on the sport of football and knows more about it than most men. Yet at the school she teaches for, she can only coach girls track. Her break comes with a big chauvanist pig of a guy named Dan Darwell (Bruce McGill) gets her a job coaching varsity football at Central High School in the middle of Chicago. It’s the sort of place with armed guard and Doberman Pinchers, and you know it’s not good when Dan starts a pool on how long Molly will last as their coach.

She goes in and at first has a rocky start, complete with the entire team standing in the lock room wearing jerseys, helmets, and not much else. But in what is my favorite scene, she wins a bet and they start to take her seriously.

It just pretty much goes on from there, with some highlights being a victory party in which her daughter becomes intoxicated and hiding out from the police during Molly’s recruiting trip in the ghetto. She also encounters a few personal snags in her new career, like when her ex-husband sees this job as a threat to their daughters and tries to gain custody and send them to an all girls school called Chadam. But Molly prevails and everybody’s happy. James Keach also gives a hilarious performance as the principal for Central.

Trust me, it’s a great movie, especially for sports fans. The football team is awesome and Goldie Hawn is just adorable. Give it a try, I know you’ll like it.

Justin’s rating: Let’s bench this one.

Justin’s review: The key element in any washed-up-coach-trains-loser-sports-team-to-win movie is the coach. When I think “leader,” I think “strong, dedicated, funny, inspirational.”

Unfortunately for us viewers, Goldie Hawn is none of those things. Goldie Hawn looks, talks, and acts like she’s auditioning for Mrs. Brady. Goldie Hawn has about the charisma of a half-melted Koosh ball. Goldie Hawn knows she’s pegged as a feather-brained floozie and she’s been fighting it her entire career. And Goldie Hawn is so incredibly annoying in any movie that she’s in that I get physically violent toward my very innocent television.

She’s a generic Meg Ryan, I say, attempting to rely on twee cuteness alone. This does not work in a movie where she’s supposed to be some sort of tough-as-nails inspirational coach who wins the admiration of a typically jumbled-up inner city gang to lead them to victory.

There isn’t much more to say about Wildcats. Once you see the words “Goldie Hawn” flash on the credits, the movie’s downhill from there.