“God would have mercy. He won’t.”

Justin’s rating: Fun fact: Rambo only kills one person in the first movie that we see. Now he’s making up for lost time, I guess.

Justin’s review: When we look at tipping points for the action movie genre, 1988 has to be factored into the conversation. Up until then, the decade had been dominated by super-ripped invincible killing machines — your Predators, your Terminators, your Commandos, and, yes, your Rambos. But then a little flick called Die Hard came along and absolutely kicked the legs from underneath this pattern, opening up an avenue for ordinary-looking vulnerable-yet-dogged heroes to enter the scene.

So I find it fascinating from a historical perspective to revisit a year in which one part of the action genre was starting to decline while another one was being born. After all, who at the time would’ve predicted that Rambo III would come out the loser in a fight that nobody even knew was brewing?

I’d never actually watched Rambo III up to this point in my life, probably because I had seen its parody (Hot Shots! Part Deux) so often that I figured I didn’t need the original. Plus, everyone kind of knew this was the “not good” one of the original trilogy. It was something something big attack helicopter and something something uncomfortable possible ties to the Taliban. But in the interests of checking off another essential ’80s action flick and carving another Rambo-shaped notch on my belt, I gave this one a rental to see where it sits as an experience and a relic of the time several decades later.

If First Blood was a thoughtful — if exciting — examination of the psychological trauma of the Vietnam War, then the sequels are more or less about John Rambo not being able to escape the war foisted upon him, even if he is damaged from it. As Col. Sam Trautman (Richard Crenna) tells him at the start of Rambo III, he’s been made into a perfect combat soldier, and he’ll never find peace until he embraces that.

I mean, I don’t buy that line of reasoning, especially as Rambo is initially seen as quietly contributing to a Thailand monastery, but I guess we’ve got to get him slaughtering somehow. And there is a hint of some cleverness in dipping him into the Soviet version of Vietnam with the Afghanistan War in the ’80s.

Anyway, Trautman is captured by a really mean Soviet commander while trying to help the local freedom fighters. That’s all it takes for Rambo to suit up for a one-man rescue mission. And… that’s pretty much all the plot that Rambo III has to offer. It’s time to shoot, stab, and explode some 38 people (which is down from 69 kills in Rambo: First Blood Part II) until the happytime credits scroll up.

It’s competent enough action, but Rambo III is saddled with low and muddy stakes. Trying to explain the Afghan War to an audience too far removed from it was a hard task at the time. In the years that followed, the politics and relations to the Soviets and Afghans made this impossible to know how we should feel. So it feels like this movie wastes too much time trying to educate on a topic that it itself is uncertain.

But on a more surface level, it’s simply not that fun-looking of a movie. First Blood’s Pacific Northwest and Rambo’s Vietnam offered plenty of lush vistas. Here? Well, hope you like tan deserts and conveniently located holes in the ground, because that’s all you’re getting. That and a giant gunship helicopter that’s trying to get co-starring credit with Stallone. I have a suspicion that they rented that helicopter for two days and were determined to get the absolute most screentime possible with it to justify the rental fee.

I’ll admit, it is a cool gunship.

There’s some fun to be had here, I can report. It’s just that there’s precious little that is new or fresh, other than perhaps a cat-and-mouse game in an underground cavern. Looking back, it’s amazing to me how fast the Rambo franchise rose and then fell — just six years! — to becoming a punchline and stereotype for the decade to follow.

Intermission!

• Have you seen this Rambo? picture
• Man, he has so many muscles
• Rambo likes to stick fight on his days off
• “It means my war’s over.”
• “I’m no tourist.”
• “It’s a blue light.” “What does it do?” “It turns blue.”
• The victory music as Rambo grabs a sheep during the horsie game
• Soaking wet rifles have no problems shooting
• It’s not a macho tough war movie if you’re not doing some impromptu self-surgery — with fire and gunpowder, nonetheless!
• Flamethrower torture!
• Rambo is not very good with flying helicopters
• Bow and arrow vs. helicopter. Naturally, bow wins.
• How many times the Colonel screams “JOHNNN!”
• “I’m your worst nightmare!”
• That is one chunky Russian — who gets both hung AND blown up
• The Soviet guy loves to give warnings
• TANK VS HELICOPTER