“Costs a lot of money to look that cheap.”

Drew’s rating: Their high school health teacher is a stripper; mine was my father. Yeah, life’s fair.

Drew’s review: It’s a tricky, sometimes almost contradictory line athletes have to walk between competition and good sportsmanship. They’re told to give 110%, leave it all on the field, never settle for second place… but at the same time, don’t sacrifice fun for the sake of winning, and it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. But where exactly does that line lie, what level of intensity denotes “too aggressive,” and what just constitutes being competitive?

Not to mention the desire to shatter stereotypes by excelling at both sports and academics — Theodore Roosevelt, possibly our manliest president ever, once praised his son’s athletic accomplishments but added, “I don’t want you to sacrifice standing well in your studies to any over-athleticism; and I need not tell you that character counts for a great deal more than either intellect or body in winning success in life.” Well said.

All of which leads us, in a roundabout way, to Varsity Blues, a movie that attempts to explore that balancing act all athletes struggle with, but without sacrificing the T&A and booze-related humor MTV viewers expect.

So without further ado, meet Mox (Van Der Beek), second-string quarterback for tyrannical coach Kilmer (Voight) in West Canaan, Texas, where high school football is not an activity but a way of life. On permanent bench duty, Mox’s big break comes when friend and star quarterback Lance (Walker) is injured, instantly catapulting Mox to demigod status within the town.

Despite never wanting the spotlight, he quickly comes to enjoy the perks of stardom; but if it means playing by Kilmer’s “win at all costs” rules and losing his own identity, is Mox willing to sacrifice his love of the game in exchange for victory and the spoils of war? Or will he recognize the ultimate futility of being worshipped for reliving other people’s glory days?

Just getting right to it, let’s talk faults. This movie is clichéd, from hackneyed lines to head injuries that conveniently conform to plot requirements. It’s all over the map with an ending that fizzles and some elements that just don’t work, like Mox’s brother’s religious experimentation. Beyond tha,t it’s juvenile, it’s crass, and at times it’s downright offensive. (I can’t even list Tweeder’s best quotes because, well, this isn’t that kind of site.)

And yet, for all that… hell, I love it. It’s one of my favorite low-brow comedies of all time, because despite all those things (or maybe because of them), it speaks to me. I know that just as surely as I know some of my fellow Mutants would find this movie one of the biggest turkeys every committed to celluloid. And that’s okay… Blues is most decidedly not for everyone. I’ll say right now that if you’re a person who’s never been on (or enjoyed being on) an organized sports team in your life; if you’re the kind of person who looks at the jocks and secretly thinks “Not one of you troglodytes knows what real pressure is… try holding down a 4.0 sometime. Mathletes rule!”… well, then this may not be your movie.

On the other hand, for those of you of a more physical nature, this movie is funny, it’s engaging, and you’ll probably relate to some of the things it has to say. Mox is a likeable enough character, his friends are your standard collection of amusing sidekicks, and the soundtrack is used to pretty good effect.

Plus there’s something for everyone, as evidenced by my continuing debate with my wife — she contends that any film with James Van Der Beek and other Dawson’s Creek-esque male stars, any film in which Scott Caan shows his ass (twice), is automatically a chick flick. My counter-argument holds that any movie with a completely gratuitous strip club scene, Ali Larter in a whipped cream bikini, and any usage whatsoever of AC/DC’s Thunderstruck supercedes all other factors and plants it squarely in “guy movie” territory. I’m ultimately right, of course, but still — clearly there’s some consolation prizes for any ladies forced to watch.

That doesn’t blind me to the movie’s faults, though, and aside from those listed earlier, perhaps the greatest failing of Blues is that it never quite decides what message it wants to send. Athleticism = good, over-athleticism = bad? Making football heroes gods is okay, but only on their terms? It’s okay to like the alcoholic, womanizing thief as long as he’s funny? Leaving things open for interpretation is one thing, but there’s the distinct impression that someone couldn’t decide what lesson to convey, so they just gave Mox an ambiguous speech about leaving it all on the field and called it quits.

Meanwhile, Kilmer is demonized to such an extent that he’s literally impossible to like (did we really need the racism subplot? The audience already hates him, that’s just overdoing it), but at the same time Mox and his friends do plenty of irresponsible and even illegal things… sure, we’re supposed to laugh it off because they’re young and funny and the stars of the movie, but you can’t help wondering if they really have the moral high ground. Likewise, Mox’s father is portrayed as overbearing and clueless, but it’s hard to avoid stepping back and thinking, “Okay, but he sorta has a point — Mox doesn’t take it seriously enough sometimes.”

Here’s your bottom line: immediately after watching Blues again in preparation for this review, I turned to my wife and said, “You know, this really isn’t that great a movie.” And technically that’s true, for all the aforementioned reasons. Do I still love it? Absolutely, because I can relate to a lot of the feelings it brings up, and because there’s genuinely some very funny scenes in it. But it’s a love tempered by age and experience… the best analogy I can make is that Varsity Blues is like looking back at an old girlfriend. You think, “Yeah, she really wasn’t that smart, she was pretty shallow, and some of my friends couldn’t stand her. But she was good-looking, she understood me, the rest of my friends thought she ruled, and we did have some great times together. Huh. Maybe… maybe I’ll call her this weekend, just to see what she’s up to…”

Intermission!

• The book Mox is hiding inside the playbook is Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut.
• Playing Quarters with whiskey glasses instead of shot glasses? Amateurs.
• 99.9% of you will be jointly amused and horrified at the idea of having your kid repeat a grade so he’ll be bigger for freshman year. The other 0.01% are saying, “…what? I made first string, didn’t I?”
• In swimming we had women in speedos instead of cheerleaders, but they never, ever changed in the car on the ride home. This is why football is way better than swimming.
• How much did Scott Caan pay the director to get to show his ass in this movie?
• There’s one black guy on the team, and they give him the last name “Brown”? Oooo… kay. But hey, at least scoring one touchdown makes up for the 4 years of racism he underwent.
• Half-price night at the gun club? Swell idea!
• The label of the bottle given to Billy Bob in the strip club simply reads “Beer.” Which is MY favorite brand too.
• Me: “I love how the kids coach themselves better than Kilmer did, even though he had like 30 years experience.” Lady Luck: “Well, yeah… he’s racist, you know racists are terrible at football strategy.”