“Well then, did you pop your cookies?”

Justin’s rating: It’s the 10th year at Hogwarts…

Justin’s review: Far be it for me to label J.K. Rowling as a down-and-dirty plagiarist, but the woman is a down-and-dirty plagiarist. For someone who supposedly thought up and scribbled down on a napkin an original tale about a boy wizard who goes to a magic school and learns pidgin Latin for seven years, there are a few other creators who might have an issue with Her Holy Hedwiggedness.

For example, there’s Nancy Stouffer, who in 1984 wrote a couple books called “The Legend of Rah and the Muggles” and “Larry Potter and His Best Friend Lilly” (while she sued Rowling, the case was dismissed). Or how about Jill Murphy, who wrote about a blossoming witch attending magic school — with more than a few other similarities to the Harry Potter series — in the 1974 book The Worst Witch. Or celebrated author Neil Gaiman’s Books of Magic, which in 1990 featured a young English boy with glasses who discovers his ability to be a wizard and gets him some serious owlage.

Or we might even take a small excursion over to 1986 for an obscure horror movie called Troll, which featured a young dark-haired boy named Harry Potter Jr. who discovers a magical realm and battles a troll. Of course, while Rowling gets away with blatant literary theft, I get docked a full letter grade if I do the same on my research papers.

I found the Troll connection to be the most interesting, and rented the film (which was packaged with its much more infamous sibling Troll 2) to see what other sins Rowling would have to answer for in the afterlife.

The troll in question is a short hairy Italian-looking middle aged critter who sports a gaudy magical ring that has the power of green animation. Mr. Troll lives in an apartment building in NYC, where he remains dormant until a completely nerdy white bread family moves in. Then he promptly kidnaps the young girl and turns himself into a carbon copy of her, save for a lot more screaming, growling and a gaudy magical ring.

If little blond girls stomping around with scrunched up faces and instant temper tantrums are your idea of a nightmare, Troll might well end up the scariest movie you’ll ever see.

Troll belongs in the “deadly mischief critter” genre of movies, along with Gremlins, Ghoulies, and Critters. This means we can safely assume: (1) in no way will the creature effects be anything other than dollar-store Halloween knock-offs, (2) people will die, which is sad, but will do so in comical ways, which is still sad, and (3) adults will be of no help whatsoever. This means that, by default, our main hero is Harry Potter Jr., a wimpy boy who has no compunctions against entering a stranger’s apartment after telling them he’s going to throw up, then starts to bawl about how scary things are and how he has no friends. A role model for the ages, he is.

While Harry tries to get to the bottom of why his sister is a little more of a freak than usual, we’re treated to the real fun of this flick, which is the apartment building itself and all its one-note inhabitants. Now, I remember fondly some of my former apartment neighbors – the lice-spreading dog lady, the hillbilly who spent most of his day on the porch, the wife-beating screaming loser next door – and none had the colorful zaniness of this movie setting. There’s the ex-Marine current-Hippy, the incredibly creepy “swinger”, a witch with a talking mushroom, and, of course, a midget who can recite epic poetry from memory. What’s even more fun is how much Harry Potter Sr. likes to say his own name, as if he forecast the oncoming literary storm and wanted to solidify his trademarked moniker before it could be stolen by a common thief! THIEF! ROWLINGSSSSSS!

I can’t quite say for sure what happened in the end – just as Harry and the witch were gearing up for a battle royale with the creatures of fantasy-land, my DVD had a glitch, the player went haywire for about two minutes, and then the movie skipped right on ahead to the final scene. “You did good in there, Harry,” the witch said, as cops surrounded the building and happy music swelled. I can only take her word for it, but who’s more trustworthy than a witch?

Intermission!

• Sonny Bono & that lady from Seinfeld
• Ratburgers! Neat!
• We’d all rather be watching Star Trek, son
• They sure didn’t waste time bring out the Troll
• That’s the least unnoticeable ring ever
• He’s into… swing? Don’t ask, Justin, don’t ask.
• Harry Potter reviews books. HA!
• Fire alarms are great ways to meet the neighbors
• Swingers go for pink bathrobes. Who knew?
• Asking a little person if he’s an elf isn’t exactly tactful
• Remember kids, neighbors LIKE it when you barge into their apartments!
• The dad dancing to really, really bad rock covers
• Wow, EVERYONE treats the midget like the weirdest oddity around. I feel bad for the guy – little person rights weren’t as advanced in the mid ’80s.
• He memorized “The Faerie Queen”? Points for him!
• I was not expecting the troll musical number, however.
• These parents need to start spanking their bratty troll
• Harry Potter wants to learn magic! Ahh! Ahh!
• The mushroom is my favorite character
• Harry Jr. is played by the same guy who did Atreyu from “The NeverEnding Story”