“You punks gotta be kidding! I mean, you wanna mess with Dugan?”

Drake’s rating: A solid two-and-a-half Dugans.

Drake’s review: Admittedly, the overall badnesss of The Van left me a bit gun-shy about taking on a Crown International picture again. The thought of submerging myself in yet another low-budget teen sex comedy was terrifying, to say the least.

But let’s face it: We all have to confront our fears at some point. So I decided to get back on that horse, dive into the deep end and come out swinging. And I might be mixing my metaphors there, but suffice to say I looked Malibu Beach in the eye and said, “Give me your worst.”

And it did. Amazingly, however, its worst was nowhere near the depths that The Van sunk to.

School’s out for the summer, so the kids are headed to the beach for some fun in the sun. But there’s a new addition to Malibu Beach this year, and that’s bikini-clad Dina (Kim Lankford) as the beach’s lifeguard. She immediately draws the attention of just about everyone, including The Van’s own Dugan (Steve Oliver), who somehow beat the rap from the previous film just in time to don a red speedo and head down to the beach to lift weights and scope out chicks.

Other summertime residents of the beach include a dog who steals bikini tops, a bratty kid who pesters the sunbathers, Rodney the Stoner Cop and Miss Plickett, a high school teacher who catches the eye of Dugan. Evidently his previous girlfriend dropped him after he lost the van drag race.

But the BMOB (Big Man on the Beach) is Bobby (James Daughton), a 30-year-old high school student who plays catch with his emaciated BFF, taunts his high school nemesis Claude, and pursues Dina.

He also gets on Dugan’s bad side but don’t worry: Dugan rides a motorcycle now, so there won’t be a climactic van drag race. I know you guys are disappointed, but it’s really for the best. Instead they steal Claude’s ride and Rodney the Stoner Cop’s police car and crash them through a concrete retaining wall. No, I can’t figure it out, either, but it’s a nice piece of stunt work.

The usual teen comedy antics ensue, including skinny dipping, drinking beer, smoking weed, and sneaking into the amusement park one night to drive the bumper cars. As teens do. Bobby and Dina hang out, the dog runs around collecting bikini tops, and Dugan lurks in the background. In a very Wooderson moment, he even goes to a party the kids are having. Hey, Dugan’s just L-I-V-I-N!

Although no less unfocused than The Van was, Malibu Beach benefits from being at least 90% less skeevy. This film’s Bobby (unrelated to the Stuart Goetz character) is a much better lead and wisely refrains from threatening his girlfriend with a horrific death, and the surrounding cast is a generally likable bunch. Sandwiched between the American International beach movies of the ‘60s and the teen sex comedies of the ‘80s, Malibu Beach suffers from the lack of the veteran direction and production of the former, and the larger budgets and better locations of the latter. But if you’re looking for a bit of brainless, harmless fluff, then you’re in the right place.

OK, Van Nuys Blvd., I’m ready. Bring it on.

Intermission!

• James Daughton had a lengthy acting career, and is probably best known for his role as Greg Marmalard in Animal House.
• A shark sighting at Zuma Beach? Foreshadowing, everyone!
• It’s cold enough to be wearing a sweater. Skinny dipping does not sound like a great idea.
• Kim Lankford also had a long career in front of the camera, including a 75 episode run on the Knot’s Landing TV show.
• That’s the most embarrassing fake shark I’ve ever seen. Yes, that includes the one from Jaws: The Revenge.
• A Dugan voice-over narration?! We’re crossing into a whole new territory here.
• My Blu-ray player made it through this one, you guys!