“Do you think you’re the first kid to put liquor in mouthwash bottles?”

Justin’s rating: The Hobbit’s Revenge

Justin’s review: When you think of Toy Soldiers, invariably one of two things come to mind. Either you think about that 1989 Martika song (“Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down, the toy soldiers” — there, now it’s stuck in your head, thank me later), or you smile, because you think about that movie where Wesley Crusher gets killed.

Oh, wait, there’s gonna be spoilers in this review. Is that okay?

I’m not completely sure, but I think Toy Soldiers was marketed as Die Hard meets The Goonies by an evil Hollywood studio, which could account for both terrorists and Sean “the Hobbit who needed swimming lessons” Astin. Astin is replacing the role of Bruce Willis as the reluctant first responder, which is unfortunate for all involved. Unless you idea of masculinity comes from a mullet-wearing teenager whose voice is still pitched high enough to sensually attract dogs, there’s no coming close to a yippie-ki-yay here.

Astin plays Billy, a “rebellious” and “out of control” teen at a prep academy. He has a hard time looking that rebellious, though… I’m sure all of the other cast members kept whispering “Hey, One-Eyed Willy!” behind his back, which made him come off as more of a surly brat who could simply benefit from a two-hour spanking. Of course, we all know that bratty out-of-control teens are tactical masterminds just waiting for the right opportunity to prove their leadership skills and save the day. Who wouldn’t want to follow this guy to the death, a kid who has no tolerance for authority or structure? I mean, woo-hoo, anarchy’s all fun until you’ve gotta be the one in charge, and suddenly the rules make sense.

In any case, Billy finds his hidden genius quickly put to the test as Columbian drug terrorists mosey on into the United States and take over a school in order to hold it hostage. What’s their goal in this risky endeavor, you might ask? Well, they figure it’s just the best way to get their other drug lord pal freed from having to stand trial.

I have to say, these terrorists are muy estupido from start to finish. First off, they kill a woman in Columbia for no reason other than the fact that they’re not patient enough to wait for a newscast that informs them that their drug lord friend is already in U.S. custody. Then, they take over the school because one of the kids’ father is a judge in this trial — but hey, here’s a laugh! The kid in question isn’t there when they capture the school! So unlike the smarter terrorists from Die Hard, these terrorists are way up poop creek without a plan, shooting holes in the bottom of their boat with their automatic rifles.

So from that point on, they’ve essentially lost. As proven in Red Dawn, no army on this planet is strong or skilled enough to beat a gang of American teenagers. What are some little wimpy terrorists gonna do? They’re going to die, that’s what! Die knowing that some kid with orthodontia brained them with a 10-pound can of pink paint! I’m just waiting for the action movie where they drop Mrs. Holsen’s 7th hour chemistry class into communist China to swat a few million oppressors before Total Request Live comes on.

Victory does not come without a price, however, and for every couple dozen terrorists killed, one teen’s gotta bite it. Fortunately for us, it’s Joey (Wil Wheaton), Mr. Wesley Crusher himself. Not to retread an already decade-long hate rant, but Wesley nearly killed Star Trek: The Next Generation with his child prodigy exploits. For years, it’s all any Star Trek fan could do to keep the nightmares coming at night: a smarty pants teen — who was in all probability still wearing space diapers — was piloting the Enterprise. Everyone in the world wanted Wesley dead, and that’s a safe exaggeration. So when the filmmakers of Toy Soldier needed a mandatory “NOOOO! You killed my best friend! You’re all gonna pay!” death, they managed to fulfill a fantasy of millions everywhere.

I’m not a vengeful man at heart, but I could watch that scene on instant reply for a good long while.

Now terrorists barging into a school cafeteria unloading their weapons probably isn’t the most politic scene in this day and age, but I think that most of us can just accept this movie for the fantasy it is without harping on unnecessary similarities. However, while we might not be as offended for the locale, there’s plenty to hold against the plot. This is just a heaping mish-mash of “kids versus the bad guys” and “against all odds, we defeat the terrorists” flicks, yet they manage to make it rather uninteresting by failing to give it a heart. We don’t even know or like the kids before the incident begins, and the terrorists themselves are merely cardboard creations that wave guns around and shoot someone every so often because it keeps the blood squib guys on the set happy.

Apparently no one has informed anyone in this movie that the U.S. never negotiates with terrorists (something that we’ve learned from every other film since 1980), and so the military just sits on their hands for a long time instead of doing a little DOOM action. That means it’s up to the kids and their ever-wacky booby traps! Hard to believe as it is, the outside-school stuff (tense discussions, parent ranting, meetings and more meetings) are less interesting than the inside-school stuff. Constantly yanking the audience outside the school serves to detract from the oppressive and isolating factors at play.

More or less, however, things turn out okay in the end, and everyone agrees to forget that Wil Wheaton ever starred in this flick.

Intermission!

• Judge Unibrow
• How to disguise liquor as a mouthwash
• You know guys, using a match is equally effective to detonating a bomb in order to light gasoline…
• Wesley’s wearing a cross earring. How cute.
• Marco from Indiana Jones… “Once again, terrorist, you see there is nothing you can hold hostage that I cannot take away!”
• Blowing up the cop car with a rocket laucher… rip-off from Die Hard, anyone?
• Guys should not wear tight, revealing red briefs. In fact, there’s *way* too much lounging around in tight briefs here. You’d think it was a poor Calvin Kline commercial or something.
• Pink is a weirdly dominate clothing color here
• I love how the little kid who’s picked to be executed just runs all happy-like toward the wall to be shot
• The dorky terrorist giving his boss a thumbs-up
• When Wesley is shot, the terrorists leave the machine gun by him, only picking it up *after* all the other kids crowd around him.
• A minigun versus one little terrorist hardly seems fair
• There’s one shot where a military guy jumps forward flat on his belly to start shooting that is so funny, I had to watch it twice
• Also, check out the military guy carrying the bomb detonation box towards the end of the flick — he’s shaking his head sadly, “When will those terrorists learn?”
• R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) as the General
• The fakest asthma attack ever filmed