“At least I don’t lick off all my hair and SWALLOW IT!”

Sue’s rating: This is why I’m basically a dog person.

Sue’s review: Despite a track record that implies otherwise, anime really isn’t a long term love affair for me. It’s really more of a lighthearted and ultra-casual fling. So when the torch-bearing purists hammer on my door (with sickles and pitchforks aloft) to meaningfully debate my wisdom in renting desecrated Disneynfied and Americanizationed versions of true Japanese classics, I’ll be down in the basement playing Kingdom Hearts.

Disclaimer notwithstanding, renting some of these movies on the basis of nothing more than a two-sentence synopsis on the Netflix website has been quite the education. I’ve seen some stuff I really like, and I’ve found a new benchmark in the “Why didn’t I just give myself a few thousand paper cuts and fill the bathtub with lemon juice instead of putting myself through this?” category. Grave of the Fireflies, I’m looking at you. So with a few minor winners and one whopping putrid loser tallied, I rented my next offering from Studio Ghibli with a certain curious caution. My choice this time? The Cat Returns.

Now if I’d paid any attention to the title, I might have realized that this is a sequel. The cat RETURNS. Duh, Sue! Still, even a sequel should work as a stand-alone, and for the most part this one did.

The story in a nutshell is as follows: a girl (Haru) rescues cat from being hit by a truck. The next thing she knows, a feline entourage accompanies the King of Cats to her doorstep, vowing to repay her. The king looks like the love child of Marty Feldman and a psychedelic toilet brush and refers to everyone as “Babe.” I’d have swatted his fuzzy lard butt with a broom and been done with it.

Next thing you know, our heroine is being showered in catnip and gift wrapped but definitely not dead rats, which does not win her any popularity contests in school where they have been delivered. And oh yes, arrangements are made for her to marry the King’s son, Prince Lune — who is, I hasten to point out, not a member of her species. Naturally Haru tries to politely, then impolitely, decline, but here’s the thing about cats. Cats don’t listen to people. Don’t get me wrong. I like cats. They’re cute and cuddly and purr, but if Haru’d been dealing with canines instead of felines, a “No! Bad Dog!” would have been sufficient to solve the problem. The cats just ignore her and set about doing what they want to do. Very cat-like of them.

Anyway Haru finds her way to the Cat Bureau — a place inhabited by a fat slug of a feline named Mutu, Toto the crow statue that comes to life whenever it feels like it, and the Baron — a dapper little cat figurine in top hat and tails that — well we’re told he’s a figurine but he looks darned animated (ha!) To me. He’s sort of the James Bond of knick-knacks. These three apparently represent Haru’s only chance at escaping life as Queen of the Litterbox. Action and adventure follow.

*Yawn.*

Oh, I’m sorry. Where was I?

The thing is, The Cat Returns is a very nice little movie. For kids. And that’s fine, because that’s undoubtedly the target audience. But usually, usually movies of this genre and nature have a little something for an adult to chew on; even if it’s nothing more than a sly one-liner, or the hint of some greater moral truth to consider. I didn’t latch on to any of that. Certainly not enough to impress me. Sure there’s a moral, but “Be True To Yourself” is not only the most bog standard theme in moviedom, but it smacked of hypocrisy since it was being preached by a guy who was presumably supposed to be sitting on a shelf collecting dust instead of brandishing his cane and fighting evil.

As far as “evil” goes, there wasn’t even a lot of that here either. The whole thing smacks of some major misunderstanding. The Cat King, who I assume is the major antagonist, is so deep in a haze of catnip (well, maybe catnip) that he’s absolutely mellow when he isn’t blowing things up or having people tossed out of tall buildings. Eh. Whatever.

So yeah, good movie in a fair-to-middlin’ fashion. The animation is, as always, superb. Love those backdrops! The voice actors are well chosen with Anne Hathaway and Cary Elwes leading the way. Watch it with kids if you got’em, but otherwise… Well, like I said. Whatever.

Didja notice?

• Very cute alarm clocks in this movie.
• Haru’s mom seems somewhat familiar. Short brown hair, glasses, sort of vacant expression, likes to tell rambling stories… Oh no.
• Okay, I’ve got no problem with a BLT sandwich. EGG, lettuce and tomato on the other hand… Yuck.
• Most heroic use of a Lacrosse stick in a motion picture.
• Felines have their own Secret Service?
• Beware the camo-colored-calico kitties!
• Whoa! WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! (Heh, now Kyle will be driven to rent this movie.)
• As advanced as they are, the cats are still stuck with VCRs. Not a DVD player in sight. Poor kitties.
• If you want help from a mysterious white cat, don’t sit on him and call him ‘fatso’.
• Best declaration of love EVER!
• Beware gifts from cats. Unless you’re really into rodents.