“Star Cruiser Crash Crash.”

Justin’s rating: It’s as if a million scriptwriters cried out… and were no more

Justin’s review: “Honey, I’m going to watch that other Ewok movie while I have some time.”

“Urgh,” my wife said, wrinkling up her nose. “I’ll be on the computer. I’m sorry for you, though.”

And I was a little sorry for me, too. Sure, I had bought this two-for-one DVD set, knowing that the combination of horrible TV movies and a vague Star Wars license would be good for reviewin’, but the first Ewok film tested the sheer limits of how much I could stand petulant grade school children and midget creatures whose fleece outerwear had gone awry.

Fortunately, Ewoks: The Battle for Endor is much, much better than Caravan of Courage. It’s enjoyable, even, in a tacky film done right sort of way. I found myself gurgling with glee as plentiful action and humor lit up the screen, and came to the conclusion that — any day of the week — I would gladly watch Battle for Endor over any of the Star Wars prequels. Not just out of spite, mind you, but for actual entertainment.

Of course you’d think that any filmmakers making a sequel to a lazy, money-pandering TV movie featuring teddy bears would totally blow the day off and assign it to their interns. However, for some reason, Battle for Endor threw away 90% of what made Caravan of Courage so horribly lame and injected in much-needed elements. This included better special effects (blasters! monsters! spaceships!) and less irritating children AND Ewoks.

Battle for Endor also gets off to a great start, as evidenced by the opening scene where Cindel, the moon boots-wearing star child, is skipping along with Wickett through the flowery fields. Wicket, by the way, now speaks excellent English (or Basic/Galactic, for you Star Wars nerds). Ah, the peaceful laughter of youth. Tee-hee! Grab it while you can, because a horde of Marauders — Orcs with blaster rifles and blaster cannons — drop on by to attack and destroy the Ewok village (still located on the ground, as in the first film), while killing Mace, Cindel’s mom, and Cindel’s dad. Death! It’s fan-tastic! The Marauders also take most of the Ewoks hostage for no useful reason, but Cindel and Wicket get away to go have wondrous adventures.

They fall in league with a hermit and a Fraggle Rock castaway. The hermit is Noa, played by Wilford Brimley, who’s most famous for being the 1980s spokesman for Quaker Oatmeal (he’s also been in Remo Williams and The Firm). He’s old and fat and wears a shocking amount of mumus, but he’s also the closest thing to an action star that we get in this vehicle. Noa’s one of those ancient farts who pretends to be incredibly cranky but secretly is a huge softie. Personally, this movie gets at least an extra star from me for all of the yelling Noa does at Cindel and Wicket. His companion is Teek, a much better articulated muppet who can run super-fast and be super-annoying. Because the Ewoks just weren’t cutting the mustard this time.

Eventually Cindel gets captured by the Marauders, who are looking for The Power. No, not The Force, that’s something that actually makes even less sense. The Power is a starship fuel cell, which the Marauders can’t seem to identify, even though they use modern blasters all willy-nilly. They also seem to belong in a completely different genre, seeing as how they live in a castle, ride horses, have plate armor, use swords (at least the boss does), and entertain a witch. Yes, a witch in a Star Wars film. She’s there to turn into a crow and also to showcase an impossibly high forehead.

If you spot a rescue in the making, then ding-ding-ding, tell you what you’ve won: a nifty neat-o final battle sequence! I’m not mocking it that much, either, since it’s way cooler than anything the Ewoks did in Jedi, and there’s tons of blaster fire going on. It can’t be helped; the Marauders, like Stormtroopers before them, absolutely hate background scenery. Rocks, cliffs, trees, delicate ferns — they’re all begging for a blasting.

Alas, no Ewoks get punctured by random misses.

There’s plenty to mock in this package, too, which is a definite highlight if you’re in the presence of a know-it-all Star Wars fan who can’t stand to see his or her universe crumble. “Hey, there’s a unicorn! In a Star Wars film!” you could start out. Or how about, “Gee, who needs the Force when you have magic? Or… THE POWER!” Or, “There sure aren’t a lot of trees in this part of the ‘forest moon’, eh?” Or, “Teek is so much cooler than Boba Fett, don’t you think?” Or even, “Since when did blasters run out of ammo and need to have rags wrapped around them?” Ah, that’s the life.

I got a kick out of Battle for Endor, and its short running time and lack of extremely painful scenes help. There were only two of those I noticed: One when Wilford Brimley got up from the bed and you could see a his tighty whities, and one when Cindel decided to grace us with a horribly sung lullaby.

Bottom line for me and movies is entertainment: did it do it well? A hefty “yes” for Battle for Endor, I’d say. I’d even show this to guests, but as my wife said when I mentioned that: “May God rest their souls.”