“All of the mutilations, bodily dismemberments and cannibal rituals were performed by seasoned professionals. Please do not attempt any of these stunts at home.”

Nancy’s Rating: Four out of five eyeballs that pop out of a human head.

Nancy’s Review: Here’s a short little list to describe why Blood Diner is sooo my movie even before I watched it:

1. Catchy taglines (‘First they greet you….then they eat you!’ ‘Food so good, it tastes just like Mom used to’).
2. It’s a cheap horror movie.
3. Lots of cheerleaders die.
4. Ya know what I did on my birthday? My two favorite things. We went to a diner and then saw a zombie movie. Horror + diner = fun times for Nancy! Oh, and what’s the name of this movie? BLOOD DINER!
5. This is one of two movies the lead, Rick Burks, starred in before dying in a car accident at age 29. He was in a band and looked mighty attractive in younger pictures of him featuring guitars. I wish he was in more films so a real cult sensation could be started about this man, and his face would be on t-shirts galore.

So, using those five justifications for purchase, I bought this fine piece of cinema. I waited awhile to watch it, saying “I can’t just watch Blood Diner alone! That would just be silly!” but when I finally sat down in my friends living room with two smoothies and eyes full of wonder, it was totally worth my five bucks. In fact, I would have paid $7.25. Why, you ask?

BECAUSE IT’S SO FREAKING NUTS!

Title indicates that “it’s just a movies about cannibals with a restaurant.” No! [takes deep breath] It’s a movie about two brothers whose uncle worshiped the ancient goddess of blood and lust, Sheetar, and died before their eyes when they were just but wee lads, and so they make it their life goal to resurrect him/the ancient Sheetar, and apparently this can only be done by putting his eyeballs in a jar so he can talk to them (talk to them) (with his eyeballs) (what????) and killing loose ladies and assembling their body parts, and THEN finally… of course… killing a virgin. Who just happens to be the police chief’s daughter. [panting]

Did I mention there’s an inexplicable puppet that just hangs around?

Did I mention that I love it?

This is THE movie to gather everyone you know around to watch. “Hey guys, check out this completely f’ed up, incredibly gory piece of cinematic I-can’t-believe-that-happened crap!” It’s perfect. One brother (not Rick Burks, but Carl Crew) is so bloodthirsty and crazy, a completely one-dimensional character with an evil grin who bites peoples legs. The other brother (this one’s Burks) is faaaar more complex. Not only is he insane, but he’s seductive too! Apparently he’s got this irresistible twinkle in his eye. I didn’t see it, but then again I spent two hours researching him online after I saw this piece of art, so whose to know what the twinkle in Rick Burks’ eyes can do?

Why weren’t any of the cheerleaders wearing shirts in that scene?

Why did she go back and get the crap that fell out of her person WHEN THERE WAS A SADISTIC KILLER IN HER PRESENCE?

These questions and much more not answered in Blood Diner!