And here we go again! I literally cannot wait to see what kookiness the show writers have in store for us this week.

We’re off to the races, as Superman’s generic reject Bizarro casually mentions that he knows how to make a device to embiggen even the smallest soul. You’d think that science and intellect were the sole domain of Brainiac and Lex Luthor, but no, it seems as though every member of the Legion of Doom is sitting on some proprietary invention. Maybe that’s how they joined in the first place? A science fair? Anyway, nobody laughs in Bizarro’s face and tells him to go back to mopping up the basement.

Bizarro then casually whips out a bubbling, fuming beaker of “sorium” that he got from an asteroid and claims that all he needs is “robalt” and “introdium.” According to wikipedia, none of these are actually anything, but who’s to talk back to the guy with the totally safe, uncorked beaker full of asteroid juice?

I love that Giganta is all like, “Hey, growing into a giant is literally the only thing I do, don’t take away my uniqueness! Why don’t we make everyone bizarro instead and see how you like it!”

So the Legion is off on a fetch quest with the next element they need residing at the core of the moon. Naturally, Sinestro conjures up an “atomic” laser and slices the moon in half, which as we all know is the most logical way to get an elemental sample from the core of a heavenly body.

This action somewhat alarms the astronauts on Moon Base One. “Captain, I’m reading a moonquake!” one says. “Johnson, c’mon, we talked about this. Enough with the cute descriptions. Just call it an ‘earthquake’ like any normal person,” says another.

Their bickering has a time limit, as the laser is about to cut through their base. And as we all know, the only contingency plan for ridiculously stupid events happening in this universe is to send a message to the Superfriends and cross your fingers that they don’t send Hawkman or Aquaman.

If I may make a suggestion to the Legion here… you guys have a member who can summon a laser powerful enough to slice an entire planetoid in half. Do you really need giant-growing serum to conquer the world at this point?

If you ever wondered how the Superfriends could keep tabs on every major crisis around the globe… this right here is the episode’s answer. They stand in front of a computer that shows random webcam footage from nature. The rest of the world may be falling to pieces, but thank God Batman has his full attention on a corner of Crystal Lake there. That wiley goose is about to get into it with a beaver!

Since 100% of anything the Superfriends do is reactive, they only get their butts in gear when they get a call from the rapidly splitting moon. To the show writers’ credit, they actually go as far as cutting Moon Base One in half. I assume many people die off-camera. That’s gutsy.

Oh, you want to talk about GUTS, previous paragraph? Sinestro actually finishes bisecting the entire moon, which starts to float apart and eject the astronauts into deep space. Superman whips out a communicator to chat with Batman as he’s flying through space. Forget everything you learned about gravity, hard vacuum, and the tides, kids, because this show is about to deliver a whole new level of education! I can only imagine that Earth is collectively wetting its pants watching all this happen.

Batman scoops up the astronauts while Superman welds the moon back together and we shall never mention this again. I do want to give this show credit for when it actually does something well, and so I have to mention that the above shot is actually pretty cool-looking with the perspective.

Sinestro and Bizarro actually get captured by Superman and taken back to the Hall of Justice, where Sinestro is de-ringed and the two are held in an electric field. You’d think that this would be Christmas for Green Lantern but, no, he doesn’t even ask for Sinestro’s ring to add to his collection. Well, at least that stops the Legion from any more…

Oh for the love of… You see, this is EXACTLY why I would never want to be a superhero. It’s not a job full of fame and glory, it’s a high-stakes babysitting convention where you’re constantly trying to round up rowdy kids that you can never kill or keep in prison indefinitely. Green Lantern and Aquaman — who is flying now for some reason — jet over to Greece and capture Toyman and Captain Cold as they dig up another element.

You would never actually have a situation in your life arise that would make you say the above sentence out loud. Green Lantern? He’s spouting stuff like this all the time like it’s no big thing to be throwing green energy igloos around tourist destinations. Why, haven’t YOU thrown a green energy igloo today?

Brainiac and Luthor then attack the Hall of Justice in a ship. And despite having a full roster of heroes, the Superfriends completely fail to take down two non-super powered members of the Legion.

Sinestro, who is quickly stealing the show here, remotely accesses his ring so that it hypnotizes Green Lantern into releasing them all. Then, why not, the ring “hypnotizes computers” and makes the Hall of Justice Pentium take the elements and spit out the giant ray.

Well that bodes well for no one. I don’t quite get why being big is going to help them that much. It’s certainly not done a lot for the careers of Apache and Giganta. The ensuing fight is quite embarrassing for the Superfriends — and that is saying something. Superman gets flicked away, Wonder Woman and her lasso get made into a yo-yo, and Apache doesn’t listen to my “GROW BIG YOU IDIOT!” screams and just stands there.

That “standing around looking stunned” strategy paid off in spades, as now the Legion has the full action figure set of the Superfriends, including Uselessman, Bat-brain, Blunder Woman, and WHY DID YOU NOT GROW BIG AND FIGHT THEM APACHE. IT IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY REASON TO EXIST.

The Legion sends the capsule with the frozen Superfriends off to Saturn why not, and Lex Luthor activates the Hall of Justice’s global defense shield. Didn’t know that the earth had a shield generated by superheroes, did you? Gotta keep them aliens at bay.

Furthering the cause of science in the impressionable minds of young kids in the ’70s, the Superfriends capsule soft-lands on the “incredibly cold” terrestrial surface of Saturn. Feel free to point out all of the inaccuracies with that, I need to go scream into a pillow for a few minutes.

It warms my heart to see the League having great fun without the Superfriends around. Bizarro karate chops the Washington Monument in half, while Sinestro battles China’s army of “millions” with a giant yellow lion, yellow tiger, and yellow panda. I’m sure Chinese censors choked on their tea when they were screening this portion of the episode.

The Superfriends escape their frozen prison thanks to Batman’s emergency “infrared defroster” that’s taking up one of the precious eight or so slots on his belt. You just know Batman has been carrying that thing around for the better part of seven years praying to his Bat-god that some inane situation would come around to justify the gadget. This… this is his day. It is the greatest day of his life.

Afterward, the team roams around the “gaseous surface” of Saturn like it’s a balmy 70-degree day with breathable air. Superman suggests they start wandering in a specific direction, because… well, there is no “because” there. Where are they trying to go? Are they going to walk off the planet and back to earth? Find a warp zone to Brooklyn?

And where there’s gas, there’s — what’s the answer, class? — that’s right! Gas monsters! Well, it’s time for Flash to create a super-tornado to suck them all up into space. THIS IS HOW SCIENCE WORKS. Kids, don’t go to Saturn. Too many gas monsters. You’ve been warned by the Superfriends.

I did promise to give the episode credit when it’s due, right? Well there’s a lengthy ridiculous segment where everyone’s flying and talking through space, and I was prepared to mock that, except that Batman delivers a throwaway line that Green Lantern’s protection field has been around them this whole time. Gasp! It’s logical continuity! I’m amazed! Of course, I’d be more impressed if they had mentioned that during the fact or shown any visual effects to suggest this, but I’ll take these narrative crumbs and gladly gobble them down to retain my sanity.

The Superfriends figure out — by which I mean that “the computer spontaneously tells them” — that there’s enough leftover elements in the Hall of Justice to make a growth ray of their own. And that’s a pity, because I am enjoying the sight of the Legion finally getting what they want. It’s nothing that bad, just some harmless fun that isn’t killing anyone. Why not let them have their “conquest” over the weekend and then recapture them on Monday?

Oh well… the bad guys are caught, Luthor uses his plot convenience teleport ray to save them, and the weird status quo of this world is restored. The Superfriends don’t look that concerned, although I would think that the world governments are having snit fits about being so easily conquered.