“A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.”

Shalen’s Rating: 0 out of 1 sight-challenged ornithothropes.

Shalen’s Review: There’s really not much point in calling Barbarella “good” or “bad,” because all of its trippiness and camp present here is more or less deliberate. Nor is there much of a plot to summarize. Yes, there’s some silliness about the Planetary President sending Barbarella (Jane Fonda) off to find missing scientist Durand Durand, but it’s not really important. It’s just a reason for our plucky, ditzy heroine to go zooming off to Tau Ceti in her shag-carpeted spaceship, encounter various psychedelic backdrops and odd people, and bang just about everyone.

The list of the people she “hangs” out with starts with the Catchman, who rescues her from the bloodthirsty wild children of Tau Ceti and, um, fixes her stabilizers. At least that’s what he said. Then there’s Pygar, the last of the ornithothropes. He is played in all his tan and topless glory by John Phillip Law, who appears to be so stoned that he doesn’t mind saying lines like “An angel doesn’t make love. An angel is love.” Our heroine restores his will to fly by spending the night in his nest in the Labyrinth outside the evil city of SoGo. Next there’s an overly long scene in SoGo, in which the apparently evil Durand Durand puts her into his kinky piano. This is supposed to cause death by orgasm, but Barbarella thwarts it by shorting out all the fuses. I was particularly amused by the fact that during the conversation which follows, she asks Durand Durand to hand her a couple of different pieces of clothing, and he obliges while continuing his diatribe about his evil plans.

And of course there’s Dildano, the man who seems to have wandered in from a Monty Python skit. It turns out, after he rescues Barbarella from some evil parakeets, that he wants to do it like they do on Earth. I’m not going to spoil the scene that follows, but suffice to say it’s one of the funniest in the film. A similar scene in Demolition Man seems to owe more than a little to this movie.

I was almost surprised that Barbarella never does perform any… extravehicular activities with the Great Tyrant, since sex with another woman is about the only thing she doesn’t try in this movie. They do seem to be shaping up for a threesome at the end, though, so no big shock there.

This film is sometimes quite funny, but as you can see from the plot thus far, it’s going to be offensive to many people because of the content. I can’t imagine how it came to be rated PG — and it certainly is not for children. There’s some frontal nudity, lots of sex, and lots of conversation about the same. The scene with the… big organ… is highly inappropriate for any but mature audiences.

With that said, I think the best way to watch this film is with other people, preferably in the form of a drinking game. I use a carbonic acid product whose name I will not mention, but whose flavor is based on prune juice and whose name rhymes with “Quiet Proctor Zepper:”

• Every time Barbarella changes costume, turn a piece of your clothing inside out and take a drink.
• Whenever you see someone holding one of Pygar’s feathers, drink.
• Each time Barbarella faints, press your hand to your brow and drink.
• Every time the Great Tyrant says “Pretty,” say “Ugly!” and drink.
• Whenever you see a bare breast, say “Look at the torts on that plaintiff!”* and take a drink.
• Whenever someone talks to Barbarella’s breasts instead of her face, take a drink.
• Every time you see something plastic and inflatable ( the Catchman’s sails, the pillowy things in the alley in SoGo, the knobs on the space ship, etc.), take a drink.
• Each time the “pacifist” protagonist solves a problem by using a weapon, take a drink.
• Every time Barbarella passively does what she’s told, no matter how dumb, take a drink.
• Every time Pygar passively does what he’s told, no matter how dumb, take a drink. They really are meant for each other, aren’t they?

At best, Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy is ideal material for an MST3K viewing with a group of friends. My family had some fun doing this, except for the Orgasmic Piano scene, which went on far too long.

*Dave Barry