“He was licking me!”

The Scoop: 1999 R, directed by Antonia Bird and Guy Pearce, Robert Carlyle and David Arquette

Tagline: You are who you eat

Summary Capsule: Cannibals face-off in the wild, wild west

Justin’s rating: I’m all gristle, I swear!

Justin’s review: Who knew that cannibals had so much in common with vampires?

I mean, when I think about vampires, my mind generally goes to that dark scary place where impressionable goth teens slather five coats of white paint on their bodies, use black magic markers to do that cool “raccoon look” around the eyes, and spend all night polishing their Lord of the Crypt ™ collector’s edition Nosferatu action figures. Not to broadly stereotype or anything, but there it is. Vampires, at the core, are big ol’ leeches: they’re so weak on their own that they need constant blood transfusions and SPF 4500 sunblock to stay alive. Not to mention avoiding Italian restaurants like the garlic plague they are. But I was shocked to discover in the film Ravenous that the average cannibal might well be the first cousin of the vampiric order.

Generally, you only find cannibals in two places in the world today: either hunkered down on isolated tropical islands, or wandering the valleys of snowy mountain ranges. As an endangered species, the U.S. Forest and Wildlife Protection Agency strongly recommends that you give yourself up as nourishment for these rare and noble creatures if you ever come across one. In this film we’re treated to a special glimpse of a cannibal in his natural mountain habitat, and boy was it a treat!

Set right before the Civil War, a distant mountain Army post is disturbed from its normal routine of doing a whole lotta nothing when a near-dead survivor stumbles into the fort rambling about cannibal this and cannibal that. Since Taco Bell had yet to be invented, the soldiers were understandably curious about the savage and heroic flesh-eater and his habits, and decided to track him down. What they find, well, it’s downright… jolly!

Once found, the graceful cannibal demonstrates his natural tendency to be quick with quips and long with recipes on how To Serve Man. Here’s where the cannibal/vampire connection comes in: in addition to being lone philosophers that won’t shut up no matter how many teeth you pull, the cannibal gains tremendous power, strength, and invincibility through the act of chowing down on Chester. See, I thought it was primarily a protein hunger thing, but my eyes have been opened to the possibilities that a Howard Hogie could open for me. Heck, I could become the next superhero, and I wouldn’t need any radioactive spider to bite me. Raw Flesh-Man! The Cannibal Crusader!

Guy Pearce is the lone soldier who believes in the cannibal conspiracy (apparently, there was a conspiracy in here somewhere, just watch if you don’t believe me) enough to fight it. But in order to do so, he’s gotta snack on some Louie Lunchables to power up first! Then it’s a battle between men with incredibly foul breath to the end.

Ravenous is an incredibly off-kilter film that samples from the appetizer trays of horror, comedy, period, and action. The whole cannibal thing really would be hard to -ahem- swallow, if not for the fact that everyone in this movie just cracks you up. From the opening credits to the closing death scene, it’s so wink-wink that even the most vegan among us would be craving seconds. And, for a horror/comedy cult flick, it’s got some of the most gorgeous scenery and, well, interesting score pieces that I’ve seen in pretty much any movie this year (it reminded me a lot of the settings for Brotherhood of the Wolf). I’m pretty glad that someone told me to check this out, and now I pass the recommendation jerky to you. Take a bite.

[Yes, that’s the second Taco Bell/cannibal reference I’ve made on Mutant Reviewers. It’s called continuity, people!]

Intermission!

• Where did they get those goggles/sunglasses in 1847?
• The director is a vegetarian (as is Guy Pearce)… isn’t it obvious?
• The original director, Milcho Manchevski, was replaced two weeks into production.
• Set in California, but filmed in Europe.

Groovy Quotes

Opening screen quote: “Eat Me” – Anonymous

Ives: [looking at the approaching trio] Breakfast, lunch, reinforcements.

Toffler: He was licking me!

Colonel Hart: It’s lonely being a cannibal. You don’t get that many friends.

Colonel Hart: A little too much bourbon in his bourbon.

Colquhoun: I said no food. I didn’t say there was nothing to eat.

Colonel Hart: What’s the medal for?
Captain John Boyd: Cowardice.

Ives: Eat to live. Don’t live to eat.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Cannibal! The Musical
• Parents
• Alive