“You were just beating to death your pirate boyfriend. I know, I saw!”

The Scoop: 2006 PG-13, directed by E.R. Nelson and starring Kirby Heyborne, Trenton James and Larry Bagby

Tagline: Pirate talk so salty, you won’t believe your buccaneers!

Summary Capsule: Twenty-somethings become sucked into the piratey life… in Utah.  UTAH, people!

Justin’s rating: It’s driving me nuts!

Justin’s review: I’m not entirely sure when everyone I know started to assume that I was into pirates as a secondary religion, but it certainly came out of the bag when I turned 30 and my wife and family threw me a pirate-themed birthday party.  I mean, that’s pretty cool, so it wasn’t like I was going to start telling people I liked pirates, but just as friends and nothing more.  So ever since, I’ve been pegged as the “Pirate Guy,” which probably isn’t helped by my propensity to squint, growl, and lug around a parrot on my shoulder.

So I guess I understand a bit of the allure around the whole pop culture pirate mythos.  Even before the Pirates of the Caribbean series, there was always something attractive about the idea of becoming a scallywag and sailing the seven seas in search of buried treasure.  Hey, before you scoff, ask yourself this – doesn’t that sound more attractive than sitting in a cubicle for five days a week, listening to your co-workers blather on about their failing love lives?

Kirk and Flint are two twenty-somethings in Utah who agree with that sentiment.  There’s just something about the pirate world that their own is severely lacking, and so without much of a plan but with a half-way decent wardrobe and a leaky rowboat, they decide to become pirates on the Great Salt Lake.  Never mind that their swords are flimsy and that nobody takes them seriously, Captain Kirk and First Mate Flint steal what they want, sleep under the stars, and reinterpret the world around them as only buccaneers can.

One day they find a genuine, certified treasure map; something to give them purpose and perhaps fund an even bigger boat (with a sail and cannons, perhaps?).  Launching an expedition to find it, a creepy pawn shop owner catches whiff of the riches and decides to get it before the pirates – even if it means getting a little unnecessarily violent.

Pirates of the Great Salt Lake is a film more steeped in whimsy than actual laughs or any discernible acting skills.  The entire first half is merely a series of scenes that exist as if to elbow you in the ribs and go, “Ho HO!  Guys trying to live as pirates in the 21st century!  In Utah, no less!  Isn’t that WACKY?”  And you just grimace and take it, because that’s how wishy-washy you are.

Still, there’s a bit of a clever riff on the whole Johnny Depp/Jack Sparrow phenomenon that goes on here, and once in a while a promising scene bubbles to the surface to float amid the flotsam and jetsam.  It’s a good idea that couldn’t metamorphize into a good movie, although its budget was probably about the same as the cost of seeing this in theaters with a large Diet Coke.

Walk the plank, ye landlubber, and may we never speak of this to another living soul.  Arrr.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Pirates of the Carribbean
• Muppet Treasure Island
• Treasure Planet