It’s that time again! MRFH has made quite a few staff changes since our last in-depth interview, and it’s high time we started rooting around in everyone’s brain to see exactly what makes us tick (or, in Kaleb’s case, tock. He’s a rebel like that). Thrill as we ask all the questions that you haven’t been asking. Gasp when you hear the answers that you never wanted to hear (and may haunt your nightmares).*

*MRFH is not responsible for any side effects or doctor’s bills suffered as a result of reading this interview.

1. Have you ever met anyone famous? If yes, who did you meet, did you act like an idiot and would you describe it in excruciating detail?

Heather: I met Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy and Weird Al after the Christmas Rifftrax Live show that they did. They went to the local brewery afterward for a previously unannounced meet and greet. It was small and intimate and I want to murder myself for not knowing about it beforehand and bringing a camera.  I got their autographs on the back of the printout I made of my ticket receipt 2 minutes before I left the house. I still cringe sometimes when I think about how much I rambled, which I do when I get nervous. I held it together a lot better than I thought I would, but I am fairly sure that I said a lot of dumb things that I thought were clever at the time. I made mention of having recently written an article that talked about a host segment he did in tiny, tiny silver clothes, and the resulting look on his face and uncomfortable laugh just won’t go away, no matterhow many meds I take.

Justin: Movie-wise, I don’t think I did.  I was in the mall yesterday when Selena Gomez was signing autographs, but not being a teenage girl myself, I declined to stand in line.

Eunice: When I was very, very little I met Mel Tillis. Had no clue who he was, but my dad was excited to meet him. Later when I saw the movie The Villain I was like, ‘Hey, it’s that guy!’

Louise: I have met some famous people, yes. So famous you might never have heard of them! I met Cherie Blair, wife of the UK’s former prime minister Tony. She was breastfeeding at the time, and she’s followed me around ever since (true! I saw her years later at the theatre and in a department store in Barbados!). I also shook the hand of TV historian David Starkey in 2003, while my dad told him I was his biggest fan (So not true, Dad, and thanks for making me look totally swimfan in front of someone whose job I want!). Finally, in 2004 I met Prunella Scales (played Sybil in classic comedy series Fawlty Towers), and all I could do was tell her how much I loved her son’s performance as King Caspian in the 1980s BBC adaptation of Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Felt very geeky at that point, but she was exceedingly gracious, and told me that the role had been a dream come true for him, as he had loved the books as a boy. Her son, the actor Samuel West, I then saw just last year at Cambridge station. Didn’t speak to him, just followed him around… More importantly, however, is the fact that these famous people have all met me!

Drew: Progressive husband that I am, I got cookbooks for my wife signed by Ted Allen and Giada DiLaurentis. (Massive smile; didn’t show the goods as much as usual.) I also briefly met the members of O.A.R., which will mean something to approximately .08% of you.

Most impressive of all, of course, is that I have not just encountered but shaken hands with the Philly Phanatic. Yes. You may touch my hand if you wish. Editor’s note: No one wishes that, Drew.

Kaleb: If you’ll give me a bit of leniency regarding the “met” aspect… I had Vic Mignogna leave a comment on my Voice Actor Roll Call video.

Who?  Yeah, shut up.

Anyway, that’s pretty much the coolest thing to happen to me thus far.  In fact, due to my excitement, my reply may have been somewhat lacking in composure.  I believe I said something along the lines of, “I ACTUALLY WAS BORN FOR A REASON AFTER ALL!!!  GIVE ME A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR, THAT I MAY MAKE POWER SOUP!!!”  You know; pretty standard fan stuff.

Deneb: Um… yes, and no. I live in one of those areas where the rich and famous hang out when they’re not busy elsewhere, so I’ve encountered a fair amount of people who I learned after the fact were famous. If family counts by proxy, my Mom met Renee Auberjenois once, and got him to give his agent some of my voice stuff to listen to (didn’t go anywhere), and if you know who John Korty is, he’s married to an old friend of my parents, so I met him once when he came over. I have not, I’m glad to say, embarrassed myself in front of any of them, no.

Mike: At the Phoenix Comicon, roughly a month ago, I attended the Chuck panel featuring Adam Baldwin and producer/Voyager alum Robert Duncan McNeil. I spent the duration of the panel in line to ask my question, and as luck would have it, I was the last person allowed to step up to the mic. I immediately recited a line from Masters of the Universe: “Only one of you, Kevin (I substituted Robert for Kevin), Only one of anybody.” In an audience numbering in the hundreds, all of them comic book and sci fi geeks, ONE guy got the reference, and it wasn’t Robert Duncan McNeil. Somewhat abashed, but still determined, I asked my question and it was graciously answered. To see this embarrassment first hand, click here. The humiliation occurs at 1:01:45.

Courtney: This one time, I kind of walked next to John C. Reilly, but I didn’t notice until it was too late to initiate any meaningful interaction. Oops.

Al: I very briefly met Will Smith in the mid-90s while walking out of a restaurant in west Philidelphia (true story), but he’s the only movie star I’ve ever crossed paths with. Through the magic of autograph signings, however, I’ve met “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (I have a signed 2×4), “Hercules” Hernandez, and Mick Foley. I can’t recall any specific awkwardness and/or embarrassment, but I did get to talk to Hacksaw about his matches with Bad News Brown. It was awesome.

Ooh!  Also, He-Man and She-Ra came to my local movie theater when I was six, so that was kind of a big deal.

2. What is your most treasured movie or TV show-related item that you own?

Heather: I love my Tom Servo figurine that came with my latest set of MST3K DVDs. I have a picture of me kissing it. Because I love it.

Justin: My Army of Darkness Evil Ash bobblehead doll.  It’s both horrible AND cute!

Eunice: I guess it would be my Vash the Stampede and Nicholas D. Wolfwood figures from the anime Trigun. But that’s because they are the only “items” I have. Because they were free. *waves at Kaleb*

Louise: I have a small Han Solo figurine. He was a Christmas present from a friend who knew how much I would like a pocket-sized space scoundrel of my own.

Kaleb: *waves back at Eunice* I was going to say my Tom Servo figurine, but somebody took that already, so… I’ll go with my Lord Humungus action figure.  Or, if we’re allowed to delve into the realm of not movie-related first and foremost: Masterpiece Prime.  Who, appropriately enough, is a rig big enough to haul that fat tank of gas.

Drew: That’s… hmm. The problem is that most of my geeky crap is comics related, not movie or TV. I’ve got some framed original pages of art from issues of Young Justice and New Mutants that mean a lot to me, and Young Justice is now a cartoon, so… I guess that counts? And I have a Madrox the Multiple Man t-shirt that’s similar to the one he wore in X3: The Last Stand.

If those don’t count, I’ll have to take a page from Kaleb’s book and go with Masterpiece Megatron. It’s over, Prime!

Deneb: I’m pretty much in the same boat as Drew – there’s a distinct lack of movie/TV-related stuff in my room. I do have a Question action figure sitting by my computer (comics version, not TV, though), and a couple Batman figures on my shelves, one of which is from the original movie line, and dates back to who-knows-when – so I guess that counts, but it’s not exactly treasured, per se. The most treasured items in my room, books and comics and movies aside, are probably my gargoyles, and they unfortunately don’t count.

Mike: The Guild DVD, seasons 1 & 2, signed by Sandeep Parihk and Jeff Lewis, (yes, he signed it “Autograph’d”).

Courtney: For Christmas one year, my aunt got me a frame with an original film cell from each of the Star Wars flicks. I’m ridiculously protective of it.

Al: I’m not much of a tchotchke guy, but I do have a TARDIS keychain on order.  Alternately, there is a Buddy Christ that’s been on my desk at every job since college.

3. Do you know all of the words to any movie?

Heather: No. I don’t watch the same movies 11 times in a row anymore, but when I was a child I used to know The Mask verbatim, since I literally wore out my VHS copy by watching it at least twice right after school each day. Were I to watch it again today I could probably remember a good quantity of the dialogue. Chic, chicky-boom!

Justin: Yes.  Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Army of Darkess, PCU, and probably most of the Star Treks.

Eunice: The Princess Bride, Dirty Dancing, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Tombstone.

Louise: I couldn’t recite them to you now, but if they were playing in front of me, I could probably dub Dirty Dancing and The Slipper and the Rose.

Drew: I do not, but I could probably approach the .500 mark with The Breakfast Club and Empire Records. These days the only things I know all the words to are Disney songs and the theme to Go Diego, Go! (“Deep inside the jungle where nature’s running wild, coming to the rescue is a very special child!”)

Kaleb: The Princess Bride.  And after that, The Princess Bride.  And then a little later, The Princess Bride.

Deneb: All of the words? No. Even with the ones I’m completely obsessed with, I don’t watch them often enough to memorize. There are some that I know very, very well (V for Vendetta, Roger Rabbit, Great Mouse Detective, Nightmare Before Christmas, to name a few), and can approximate a good chunk of their dialogue, but all of it? No.

Mike: I know *All* the words to *every* movie. Ever.

Courtney: Pretty close with Empire Records. “Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior!”

Al: Well, we can’t all be Mike, but I’m pretty certain I know Aliens and the original Star Wars backwards and forwards.  Ten years ago, I could almost certainly also quote you the entirety of Boiler Room, but that particular skill has deteriorated with age.

4. Do you have a list of movies that you will never review, a la my Saturday’s Six?

Heather: I suppose this is cheating, but I’m just going to link to my Saturday’s Six, since I thankfully have never seen any other movies as terrible as those.

Justin: I’ve been very reluctant to touch John Waters’ stuff or anything that pushes my squick boundaries like Cannibal Holocaust or Faces of Death.

Eunice: Anything by Andy Warhol.

Heather:  I can’t even hear the man’s name anymore without weeping a little, Eunice.

Louise: I’m reluctant to review films that have already been reviewed three or four (or more!) times, because redundancy is a terrible thing and takes forever to load. I also won’t review ones that I thought were just boring. I define ‘cult’ as ‘inspiring rabid worship or rabid disgust’, so I want to review films that inspire such strong feelings in me that I am compelled to either thrust them towards people or tear them from their hands and burn the reels!

Kaleb: Not really, although I have heard enough to be warned away from Doom Generation and The Human Centipede.

Drew: Any of those Marvel superhero movies made on the cheap in the ’70s. And I know it’s a cliche, but anything made by a Wayans brother. There are only so many synonyms for “blows ass.”

Deneb: The odds are strongly against me ever reviewing any of the more modern horror/slasher movies, ’cause I’m a wimp. Likewise any movies that I know in advance are disgustingly violent or gory – I don’t mind a bit of that stuff, but a lot of it just makes me go ‘ewwwww’. Also, the more ‘arty’ or Oscar bait-y movies tend to leave me cold, unless they’re intriguingly weird in some way – I appreciate some of them, but most just don’t leave much of an impression.

Mike: Any sequels to any Don Bluth movies not involving Don Bluth.

Courtney: There are a few I’d never review because I fear they’d cause rage-seizure. The Patriot, Bride Wars and Pearl Harbor are a few examples.

Al: Anything by Eli Roth. Cabin Fever was such an infuriating piece of garbage that I promised never to give the man another chance to waste my time. I broke the rule for Inglourious Basterds, but I can’t imagine ever doing it again.

5. Ever watched a movie and thought to yourself about one of the actors: “Gee…she/he looks like a cross between [a noun] and [a noun]” ? Sure, you have. Create a Celebrity Math equation to illustrate this epiphany!

Heather: I recently watched The Craft, and an inescapable similarity gnawed at my brain for the entirety of the film:

Justin: What the heck, Heather.  That’s going to give me nightmares.  Also, I don’t have six hours to create a graphic like that!  Editor’s note: That took me all of 10 minutes in MS Paint, Justin. But, since we all know older people aren’t as computer savvy, I’ll let that slide.

Eunice: Well ever since reading your Earth Girls Are Easy review, I cannot unsee Jeff Goldblum as half elf, half lemur.

Louise: I tend to notice that one actor is like another actor, so much that I rather wish they would merge. For example, and no disparagement to their acting, I want Iain Glen and Hugo Speer to admit they are the same person. Also, looking at that picture of Nancy, isn’t she frighteningly like Tim Curry’s Frank-N-Furter?

Heather: It is eerie. Should I ever watch that movie again, I will have two horrible images in my brain.

Kaleb: Elias Koteas + slightly more hair = Christopher Meloni.

Drew: I thought Alan Cumming in Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical looked exactly like the father (with Ann Coulter) of Stephen Colbert. It’s Ameruncanny!

Deneb: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, no. My mind doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid.

Mike: Almalgamation is fun!!!!  –but no, not really.

Courtney:  Jack Russell Terrier + Floor Lamp = DJ Qualls

Al: I’m with Mike and Deneb on this: I’m not really wired like that.  However, I do often have trouble telling apart Peter Karause and Garret Dillahunt, so I guess that’s something.

Heather: Okay, you party poopers. You brought this meme on yourselves:

6. Angelina had her blood necklace (and kissing her brother), Lady Gaga has her cry-for-attention clothing, and Britney Spears had her…..everything.  If you were a famous movie star or singer, what would be your strange gimmick or what ridiculous publicity stunt would you pull?

Heather: Assuming I was popular enough to have the amount of money necessary for this, I would orchestrate a complete reenactment of the parade scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Justin: I’d run for Emperor of the World.  And I’d win.

Eunice: Claim to be the reincarnation of still living actors or singers.

Louise: Instead of having weird people stalk me, I would stalk weird people. I’d also never take off my glasses. These days in celebrity-land, refusing contact lenses and personal trainers is gimmick enough.

Kaleb: I apparently have some deep-seated desire to bellow loudly in garish dress to dismayed masses, because I’d love to pull off something patterned after the earlier mentioned Humungus, or perhaps Chris Farley’s El Nino.

Drew: Assuming I were a movie star in California, I would be shirtless at all times I was not actually filming a scene. Hanging out at home, fancy restaurant, at the Oscars, doesn’t matter: no shirt. Ever. During times I was shooting an action film, this would be a treat for many. Likewise, when I was playing a diabetic aging rock star, everyone would suffer.

Deneb: I’d get myself a very dramatic cloak, and wear it during public appearances. Also, while getting out of my personalized limo, I’d have a flock of bats released just behind me. Ooh! Ooh! And maybe I’d get a sort of gauntlet made, like off a suit of armor, you know, only with claws, and I’d wear it on one hand and gesture dramatically with it every time I spoke. And my own logo, which I’d wear on my chest like a superhero. I guess I’d just generally be so dramatic and weird that when I wanted to go incognito and just hang out, nobody would recognize me, because obviously the Great and Powerful Deneb would never do such a thing as appear in street clothes.

Mike: I’ve always dreamed of putting together a flash mob of lindy-hoppers, who would condone off a square in highly populated food court and dance to  the Swing Kids version of Louis Prima’s Sing Sing Sing. I think if I had enough fame and money I could totally make that happen.

Courtney: Step 1: Debilitating addiction to licking frogs. Step 2: Rehab stint. Step 3: Miraculous recovery. Step 4: Inspirational autobiography. Step 5: New York Times’ Best-Sellers List!

Al: I would probably spearhead the movement to reinstate Pluto as a planet. I’d work it into every interview. I’d finance t-shirts, pins, rub-off tattoos–the works–and everyone on my staff would be required to wear them constantly. There are just some causes in this world that are worth fighting for.

7. Aside from writing, do you have any other marketable talents? Keep it clean, Drew!

Heather: I have an uncanny knack for picking up and remembering languages . I plan on starting classes soon to become fluent in Japanese and Spanish, so that I can become a translator.

Justin: I can wri… oh.  Marketable.  I’m a decent public speaker and a good interviewer, I’ve been told.

Eunice: I am really good at adapting. Like to anything.

Louise: My housemate tells me that my superpower is being able to tell whether an item of clothing on the washing line is damp or just cold. This is because she can’t do it. I’m also great at getting people to fill out evaluation forms, so I suppose I could market myself as a marketer. Nah, I’m not really marketable. That’s why I can’t find a career.

Drew: Marketable, not really. I was a college national-caliber swimmer… a decade ago. My brain collects and stores useless information like nobody’s business, so I’d stand a decent chance on a trivia game show.

Oh, and I’ve beaten nearly every Castlevania game. That’s marketable, right?

Kaleb: I’m really good at organizing things.  Hmmm… yesss… we must keep things tidy…

Deneb: I’m good with my voice – I can read stories and do funny voices and so forth. I’ve been trying to make that marketable, but unfortunately I am really lousy at marketing myself. Also, I’m an OK cartoonist, as long as you don’t expect realism.

Mike: Actually I’m working on a comic book right now that I’m gonna be shopping around this fall; assuming of course I ever actually sit down and draw the thing. I’m calling it Chaos Theory. <shameless plug> Check it out on my spiffy new Art Blog! </shameless plug>

Courtney: How marketable would you consider the ability to make “bro” references to Lord of the Rings? “Fellowship of the Ring? More like FellBROship of the Ring!” “Yo, check out Brodo Baggins and Lebrolas over here!” “I would have to say that I believe the strongest performance in the films really comes from the gifted thespian Vibbro Mortensen.” And so on. Editor’s note: I find this very marketable.

Al:   I shovel. I shovel well.

8. Name a little-known fact about yourself.

Heather: I never learned to snap correctly. I can snap with my index finger and thumb, but only on my left hand. Also, after typing that sentence I tried to snap like a normal person, and tried to snap my way on my right hand. It still doesn’t work.

Justin: I talk to myself, constantly.  Sometimes I argue with myself, a la Gollum.

Heather: Comrade!

Deneb: Comrades!

Eunice: I hum when I’m upset and sing when I’m happy. Never the other way around.

Louise: If I had a million pounds, I wouldn’t invest it or give it to charity or buy a house, or anything like that. I’d spend it on made-to-measure trousers, because then maybe I’d have something that fitted hips and waist at the same time!!. Editor’s note: Louise is a genius.

Kaleb: I’m bataphobic.  And no, that has nothing to do with bats, because that would make too much sense from a nomenclatorial standpoint.  Bataphobia is a fear of tall buildings.  Yes, it’s completely stupid; made moreso by the fact that it’s apparently a real and somewhat common thing.

“But didn’t you just move to Houston, where tall buildings are literally everywhere?”  Again, shut it.

Drew: For some reason, whenever I eat something I’m compelled to take an even number of bites. It’s not like an OCD-style compulsion where I literally HAVE to, but I’ll always choose to take an even number of bites, even if it means taking two smaller bites. If I have an odd number of M&M’s, I’ll bite the last one in half with my front teeth to make two.

Mike: Two words: “third nipple”.

Courtney: When I was 2 years old, I bit a glow necklace at a fireworks show. My parents rushed me to the hospital, terrified of my impending toxin-induced demise. As they waited for the diagnosis, several doctors and nurses gathered in our room, making my parents grow more worried. Our doctor returned, assured my parents that I would survive the ordeal (the necklace was non-toxic,) and turned off the lights. The reason for the crowd was clear: they had come to see the toddler with the glowing smile.

Al: I have a terrible fear of birds, especially big ones. I’m okay if I know they’re stuck in a cage, but otherwise I tense up and flinch away when they move toward me. I catch myself holding my breath when I have to walk past them.  I’m pretty well convinced that they all know about it and mess with me when they’re bored.  Also, one pooped on my forehead last year, so I think their plans are escalating.

Deneb: I have a rather dubious culinary habit that dates back to who knows when. Whenever I eat a burger, I’ll wait ’til I’ve finished it, then get a spoon and gobble up all the excess grease and juice and drippings that are now on the plate. Sounds disgusting, I know, and I only do it in the privacy of my own home, but – mmmmmmm. Pure burger taste.

9. What is your biggest missed opportunity?

Heather: Not finishing up my degree. I’ve wasted a lot of time.

Justin: Not potty training my kid at the age of 3 months.  Seriously, my DOG learned faster than this!

Eunice: Not going to college to study art.

Louise: I should have done Latin and Ancient Greek to A-Level standard, because then I could be a classics teacher.

Kaleb: The entirety of my 20s, or as I refer to them; The Sad Failure Parade.  Anything I can think of that happened in the last ten years falls under the heading of either “didn’t do” or “should’ve done better”.

Drew: Not focusing more on writing/editing as a career at an earlier stage. I’m not complaining about my current job — it’s interesting, I get to help people, it pays the bills — but it’d be great to do what’s really my passion for a living. Not to say I won’t get there eventually, but focusing more on it in my 20s would’ve been smarter.

Mike: It’s hard to say I’ve really “missed” any opportunities. Since I’ve gotten married to a wonderfully encouraging woman I’ve discovered that it’s never too late to pursue your dreams. So at age 33 I’ve gone back to school and started drawing comics again. To regret anything would be to say that I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, and I absolutely do believe that. (For those of you who had to put up with that sappy schmaltz, here’s a picture of Katee Sackhoff and Dirk Benedict in a Starbucks):

Courtney: Turning around and saying hi to John C. Reilly. My life could be so different!

Al: A wise man once told me that every few years you’re going to look back and want to kick yourself in the ass for the way you acted a few years ago. At the moment, that ass-kicking is squarely aimed at college-aged me. Part of my brain is sure that I wouldn’t change the way I acted, the people I met, or the experiences I had in college for anything in the world, but the rest of me simply can’t believe I was that lazy for that long. Now that I’m looking for a job that requires me to send along college transcripts, it’s more than a little embarrassing.

Deneb: Difficult to narrow it down, really, but it’d probably be not repeating my senior year of high school. I was getting really lousy grades in science, so I had the choice of either repeating the year and graduating normally or taking the GED. I chose the latter, and I’ve always kind of regretted that – if I’d repeated the year, I would have been able to go to an in-state college that my parents could have actually afforded, and I probably wouldn’t have had to leave due to lack of funds, and blah blah blah. Basically, if I were a college graduate, I’d probably have a few more options right now.

10. Random idiotic question picked from a Myspace survey: What would you do if you found 10 dollars on the ground?

Heather: Head to CVS. I would walk around smugly, grinning and nodding at all the people who didn’t just find free money. That’s right, people. The universe just bought me some chips and a drink. Don’t hate.

Justin: IT’S A TRAP!

Eunice: Put it in my pocket… Then mug Heather when she came out of the CVS and turn it into $20.

Louise: Give it to a beggar. They need some luck, and I can’t afford much charity by myself.

Drew: LET IT RIDE!!!

Kaleb: Me and my new tenner would probably just hang out.  Watch movies.  Maybe order a pizza (paying by plastic, of course).

Mike: Make a B-line for Samurai Comics.

Courtney: Ask for advice from the Angel and Devil on my shoulders. Angel says to give the money to charity; Devil says to set the nearest building on fire and lock all the people inside. She really isn’t as light-heartedly mischievous as Donald Duck’s shoulder devil…

Heather: I was actually imagining Kronk’s shoulder Angel and Devil. “Look what I can do!”

Deneb: Assuming I had no way of telling who’d lost it, I’d probably just stuff it in my pocket and thank my lucky stars.

That’s it, everyone. Thanks for listening to our preachings and pontifications. ‘Til next time!