“All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit!”

The Scoop: 1964 NR, directed by Nicholas Webster and starring John Call, Leonard Hicks and Vincent Beck

Tagline: Blast off for Mars…with Santa and a pair of Earth kids!

Summary Capsule: The title’s a bit oblique, I know, so let me break it down for you: Santa Claus. Conquers. The Martians.

Drew’s Rating: Ho-ho-horrible. But in that sorta terrific way.

Drew’s Review: We’ve all been there: it’s late Friday night, you’ve got a review due in three days of a James Bond movie, and you still haven’t picked one out yet. The one you wanted is missing from every video store in the area and Justin is making noises about strangling you with your own intestines if you’re late again, so you hit the dollar bin at the local used record store. And as you’re groping blindly through stacks of old tapes, you stumble across something special… no, not Goldfinger, but something a thousand times better — Santa Claus Conquers the Martians! The very name sends shivers of culty anticipation through your body, so you snatch it up and wait patiently until the holiday season is again upon us, then pop it into the VCR and settle back to experience the magic. At which point you’re exposed to some of the most insane, terrible, asinine 80 minutes any human being has ever lived through… and you cherish every second of it, because it means you’ve got a real winner on your hands. God, I love this job.

It feels a bit pointless to attempt a “plot” summary, kind of like shooting pool with a rope, but what the hey, I’m game if you are. In brief: Mars is in a bad way. Sure, they’ve got sleep chambers and ray guns and robots with the hoy-GLAY-vin, but it turns out in the midst of all that grand technology, they forgot the fun. Their kids do nothing but watch pirated Earth cable, staring slack-jawed at the screen 24/7 like it’s an epileptic Pokémon marathon (which is apparently different from Earth in some way that escapes me right now). So Big Daddy Kimar, who actually appears to have the only children on the planet, seeks the advice of Chochem, their trademark wise man who’s not wise enough to live somewhere other than a swamp. The Chochster lays the wisdom out thusly — the kids aren’t happy because there’s no fun, and who’s more fun than Santa Claus? Nobody, that’s freakin’ who! But Earth just happens to have the one and only (go us!), so maybe Kimar might want to, you know, change that. Don’t ask, don’t tell. But mustachioed rebel Voldar ain’t even trying to hear that, and I’ve gotta say that for a guy who’s clearly taken villainy lessons from Gargamel, he’s sorta got a point — how about, I don’t know, getting your own damn Santa Claus, biotches?

Nonetheless, he’s outvoted and the Martians duly make with the kidnapping of old fatty, along with two American kids because creepy omniscient toymakers apparently don’t cut it as POV characters. Once on Mars, the kidnappers set Santa up with a snazzy new workshop and the Martian tykes cheer up immediately, but at the expense of our homesick Earth brats. Oh, boo hoo. Meanwhile Voldar, up till now my clear pick for smartest character in the movie, catches blithering idiot Dropo wearing Santa’s coat and a fake beard, carefully examines his prisoner’s green skin and antennae, and comes to the only logical conclusion — he’s finally captured Santa Claus! But can he realize his error in time to pull out a win for the side of Evil, or will he just end up covered in silly string and cursing those snooping kids? Well, you’ll just have to watch the movie — or better yet, the MST3K episode deriding it — to find out!

My God, so much to mock and so little time, where do I begin? How about with the Martians — clever enough to master interplanetary travel and to block radar beams… fascinated by the Slinky? Smart enough to build robots and food pills… outrageously amused by the worst joke in history? (Q: What’s gooey, green, and you roast it on the end of a stick? A: A Martian-mallow! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaah-shoot me.) And then there’s the reporter who tells us it’s 91 degrees below zero at the North Pole but somehow forgot to slap on a pair of gloves. Must be a dry cold, though, since Betty doesn’t seem to mind prancing around in a skirt during a blizzard. Speaking of whom, both kids display this weird kind of Stockholm Syndrome that comes and goes about 20 times apiece. One minute they’re peeved at being kidnapped, the next it’s a grand old adventure on Mars, then back to annoyance… just make up your damn minds!

By far, though — and I mean by FAR — the most frigged-up player in our little theater of the mind-blowingly absurd is Santa himself. Aside from laughing uproariously at every single sentence spoken aloud by another character — and trust me, it’s a very creepy, “don’t leave small children alone with this cat” kind of laugh — the poor guy’s just dumb as a post. We’ve discussed already how dim some of the characters are, but forget it, they’re not even in the same league as this right jolly but not terribly swift old elf, who decides it’s a fantastic idea to go on a guided tour of the ship with a guy who’s professed to hating his guts, then thinks it’s some kind of horrible mistake when he’s subsequently ditched in the airlock with the door bolted. You can see it in my man Voldar’s face, he can’t even believe that worked — you can tell his Plan B was just telling tons of fun there’s cookies hidden in the engine room and seeing what happens. Yep, ol’ St. Nick clearly swapped his brains for those flying reindeer decades ago, but the movie’s conclusion suggests that this might not be such a bad character trait for the job after all, though of course I wouldn’t dream of ruining such a stunning (*cough*) finale for you… you’ll just have to check it out for yourself, God have mercy on your soul.

Honestly, what more can I say? If you can’t tell what kind of movie this is from the five-word title, kindly remove yourself from this site and keep away from sharp objects from now on. And if you are in fact a fan of the cinematic road less traveled, well, they don’t come much more cult than this, baby. I will advise newbies that this is not the film you want to start your foray into the cult world with… your brain’s liable to explode halfway through. But for seasoned veterans of all things amusingly stupid? You know your mission, should you choose to accept it. Just don’t expect Santa to slip a copy under the tree- I hear he’s still in litigation with the movie’s director over alleged “character defamation.” Darn Martians!

Justin’s rating: Ho ho ho, here we go!

Justin’s review: Martians really don’t have much to live for: their entire planet consists of rejected sets from Star Trek (the Captain Kirk paper maché era of Trek), sparkly red rocks, hamburger food pills, helmets with rabbit ear antennas, and an old prophetic geezer with a staff. It’s such a generic planet that their combat fleet begins with “Spaceship One”. Can you blame them for wanting to steal Santa? Let’s not be selfish — we have PlayStations and our endless stream of celebrity divorces for entertainment. Let them have the fat red guy.

This film is so sugary sweet in tone that it’s been known to send code blues racing up and down the halls in diabetic wings of children’s hospitals any time it plays on television. Of course, since SCCTM was produced for nickelodeons back in the Industrial Age, it doesn’t get much air time these days. For shame; this is indeed one of the oddest (if most incredibly shrill) Christmas movies out there.

Bemoaning their kids’ lack of childishness and an overall unhappiness on the planet, those wacky Martians launch “Operation Santa Claus” — a cleverly named gambit designed to accost our planet’s most valuable Christmas marketing tool and claim it for their own. Along the way, the Martians kidnap a couple Earth kids, as their food supplies are running low and they need the nutrients from soft, supple livers for… what? You say that isn’t that kind of movie?

Drat.

No, the kids are there so Santa can have someone to cheer up and use as a human shield in case the ray guns start going off. For his part, Santa seems largely unconcerned about his abduction, meekly going along with the brown-and-or-green Martians into slavery. But wait! Santa suddenly grows a pair, and realizes that he can take any “toy” out of his magical bag… including hand grenades, a tommy gun, and a flamethrower! It’s one man versus forty Martian terrorists in cat-and-mouse game to the death! Whoo-buddy! …What? It isn’t that kind of movie?

Curses.

The “conquering” mentioned in the title has more to do with the Christmas lovey-dovey spirit overcoming all nasty meanness than it does a systematic extermination of foes. Santa teaches the Martians “Jingle Bells”, he starts a production line to make toys for their deprived kids, and he slips arsenic into their water supply at his first oppor… what? Geez. Let me have SOME fun, will ya?

Humbug.

Really, there’s no good reason to review this after Drew did such an excellent job, except that I found a copy for a buck at Wal-Mart, and darn it if I’m not going to get my one hundred pennies’ worth out of this disc. More unintentionally funny (it tickled me that Martians use words like “rolly polly” and “space dust”) than cute and cuddly, this is the perfect cult gift to give any Santaphile who claims to have it all. Until next Septober, Merry Christmas!

Intermission!

• Kimar striking his Batman pose at the beginning? He knows that’s his only chance to be even vaguely cool all movie. Seeing his badge of office like that makes me realize how much I wish our presidents had to wear a cape at all times.
• Since their beds consist of giant, hard plastic tabletops, I won’t even speculate on the finer points of Martian reproduction. Just move along.
• Befitting his role in the movie, Chochem looks exactly like a cross between Tim (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) and Yogurt (Spaceballs). Which is eerie, actually, since this movie predates them both.
• The Martian month is “Septober”? Come on, that’s just lazy.
• How the Martians make fun of Earth’s puny cities even though there’s clearly only 20 people on their entire planet?
• Lady Luck points out that the controls for the Martian ship look like “a cross between Sorry and Boggle.”
• That “polar bear” could not possibly look more like a guy in a bear suit.
• For that matter, kudos to Billy on waiting a full three seconds after the bear stops clawing at your hiding place before peeking outside to see if it’s gone. Slick.
• Just wouldn’t be a B-movie without a robot named Gort, would it? I think my mom made me that costume out of cardboard one Halloween. Except hers looked better.
• The elves frozen by the Martian stun ray blatantly move several times. I’d say it was just the ray wearing off, but I think we all know that’s just giving them waaay too much credit.
• Robots automatically become toys in Santa’s workshop? Good to know. And stupid.
• The Martian forehead greeting predates the Coneheads too.
• The reporter’s name is initially given as “Andy Henderson,” but Santa calls him “Andy Anderson.” So, y’know, he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.
• Sometimes known by alternate title “Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens.” Martian child Girmar marks the first film role of singer/actress/Janeane Garofalo lookalike Pia Zadora.
• Most of the film was shot in an abandoned aircraft hangar in Long Island. You… you mean all those fabulous sets were located in just one building? Ah, the magic of technology!

Groovy Quotes

Santa: We’re going out the good ol’ fashioned way. Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon… oh consarnit, I get those names mixed up, but the kids know their names.

Voldar: All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit!

Betty: What are those funny things sticking out of your head?
Rigna: Those are our antennae.
Betty: Are you a television set?

Santa: I’m not accustomed to entering through the front door. But you have no chimney!

Santa: Look at me – Santa Claus, the great toymaker, pressing buttons. That’s automation for you. Technology.

Kimar: Santa, you will never return to Earth. You belong to Mars now.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Plan 9 From Outer Space
• Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
• The Santa Clause