If you’re anything like me, when you first heard that the key to success was hard work, determination and sacrifice, your immediate reaction was, “Well, that rather tidily rules me out.”

It’s cool though; I’ve wrangled up a selection of aural quick fixes so amazingly go-getful, merely listening to them will create a convincing illusion of success, after which you can reattach the Cheez-It IV and finish your nap.

And yes, all of these songs come from the 80s; not just as a matter of personal preference, but because said decade was the last recorded instance of success actually being viable bordering on somewhat likely (The only semi-recent usable example would be glam rock revival band Badgyr’s 2007 debut, which spawned a couple of modest hits in the form of “Gonna Sleep Indoors” and the title track, “Let’s Eat a Meal Tonight”).

“The Secret of My Success” by Night Ranger

Originally featured in: The Secret of My Success
Suggested use: Walk around amongst skyscrapers, and stand taller than they do.

A bit of a giveaway, this one.  I mean, it’s right there in the title…

Also being the title of a movie is not the only trait this one shares with “St. Elmo’s Fire”, as “The Secret of My Success” is similarly one of the more self-centered of the success ballads (Where’s the girl to be won/social injustice to be solved/Autobot Matrix to be opened?)

And while it’s listenable enough, it’s almost stultifyingly textbook: The lyrics read like a Mad Lib of inspirational demagoguery (as opposed to… every other song on this list?)  On that note: “The secret of my success is that I’m living twenty-five hours a day”?  What sort of crap is this?  You claim to be all jazzed up on moronic enthusiasm, and then you go and only do something narrowly impossible?  Show some initiative, slacker.

“The Touch” by Stan Bush

(Complete with weird little stop-motion promo at the start.  Skip to the one minute mark if you just want the song.)

Originally featured in: Transformers (1986)
Suggested use: Surprise Phil Collins: Come back, against all odds.

Yeah, like there was any way I wasn’t going to include this one.

“Dammit, Kaleb,” I hear you swear, sexily, “Not everyone is in to Transformers as much as you.  In fact, almost no one is in to Transformers as much as you.”

Whoa there, friend.  Take it easy; have some tea; let me give you a creepy massage.  See, as one of the few specifically comeback-style success ballads, this song can be used in almost any situation that fits that bill; meaning that if you don’t feel like making a giant evil planet-robot inexplicably rip his own leg off (no joke; watch the movie) at this particular juncture, that’s perfectly alright.

Perhaps instead you need to keep fighting in spite of being blinded by a mysterious powder that your opponent has been warming with his genitals?  No problem.  Want to win the All Valley tournament using the most hilariously over-telegraphed and idiotic fake karate move ever?  Go for it.  Getting pummeled even shorter by a Soviet giant?

Wellll… that’s really more Vince DiCola’s forte, but what the hell; we’ll make it work.

Bonus: Bad hair, sickly hue-cycling, and guitars that shoot lasers; this video can be utilized as a sort of 80s primer for the uninitiated.

“St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)” by John Parr

Originally featured in: St. Elmo’s Fire
Suggested use: Accomplish things, or drink heavily.

Long before the movie stupendously-unimpressed me, I was completely infatuated with this song.  I listened to it pretty regularly through most of high school on in to my first failed attempt at college, honestly believing that it would help in some way, which it obviously did not.

This might explain why, in spite of having this as her class’ graduation song, my sister does not presently own a country.  Don’t get me wrong; She’s doing quite well by non-stupid standards, but 1997 Kaleb would think that she’d at least by the penny-ante dictator of a resource-rich, fictitious South American nation by this point.

“Why are no rebels trying to oust you, sis?” he would ask.  Then he would look at present-day me and say, “Yeah, that’s probably about right.”

“All I Need is a Miracle” by Mike + The Mechanics

Originally featured in: Nothing, that I’m aware of.
Suggested use: Tame that wild filly, and make her your own. Or maybe even something less creepy that doesn’t involve horse lingo.

Probably my favorite song on this list, and one of my favorite songs, period.  I tell you this up front, because I don’t want you to get the wrong idea when I say that it is, both thematically and tonally, tantamount to a super-extended cut of the Mentos jingle.

The scenario presented in the video — a rather portly British gentleman has a bit of a rough night but wins in the end — is essentially suitable, if a tad unromantic.  Navigating a plethora of obstacles is a fine start, but the lyrics seem to speak to an eleventh hour realization of love, and I always kind of pictured this song as an accopmaniment to someone preventing his childhood sweetheart from marrying that rich, good-looking jerk.  You know the type.

Bonus: Knocking over people who aren’t even remotely in your way is fun.

Other Bonus: This video opens with the ending strains of “Silent Running”, which is another song you’ve always liked but didn’t know Mike + The Mechanics did it.

“You’re the Voice” by John Farnham

Originally featured in: Hot Rod
Suggested use: Build a house for someone you would never hang out with.

After waiting the requisite minimum of three years to allow any remaining vestiges of relevance to fade, I saw Hot Rod for the first time a few days ago.  Later that night, quoth me to Justin via Facebook: “‘You’re the Voice’ made me believe in shmaltzy power ballads again.”

And that sums it up pretty well.  For something more specific but no less hyperbolic — and I should warn you that this may partially be the new-song-smell talking — I submit to you that “You’re the Voice” is the most Habitat for Humanity-tastic song ever performed.

Try this challenge: Listen to this song without envisioning a somewhat-attractive woman in short overalls and a bandana unloading boxes marked “Much-needed Supplies” in three-quarters slow motion; fade to an impossibly large-eyed urchin enjoying a bowl of delicious goo; fade to a carefully-portioned group of people from every race, creed and shoe size, banding together to rebuild the Berlin Wall, just so they can demolish it again by holding hands and singing this very song.

You don’t get anything for succeeding; unless you consider a sad shake of the head to be a prize.