The Scoop: 2010 PG, directed by Randall Wallace and starring Diane Lane, John Malkovich and Dylan Walsh

Tagline: The Impossible True Story

Summary: Brave lady in sleeveless dress and brave horse in checkered print blinkers try to save the family farm. It had to be the 1970’s, right?

Sue’s rating: I read the book.

Sue’s review: Secretariat is a wholesome tale about a do-or-die woman and her beloved, insanely talented racehorse, working together to try and beat the odds and save the family farm. The characters are quirky, the story moves forward at a nice pace, and insofar as you like movies like this, get thee away from this review and go enjoy the show! Have some popcorn! Just… don’t read past this point, because here be spoiler dragons and their flames are set to incinerate. Seriously. Don’t say you weren’t warned. Go. Shoo.

The movie, Secretariat was based loosely on the book, Big Red of Meadow Stable: Secretariat, the Making of a Champion by Bill Nack. When I say based loosely, by the way, I’m thinking about geese and laxatives. Anyway, I have, over the years, read Nack’s book at least twice. Probably more than that, if you include all the times I woke up and had to start chapters over. While I have great respect for the man, I’m here to tell you that his writing style is such that even the owner’s manual for my Dodge Neon has more intrigue and excitement. But Nack is all about the details. Exhaustive, exhaustive, excruciating details. And I am a fairly capable reader. So I am going to run down what (to my knowledge) was true and what was…to be polite….fudged. I’ll preface it by saying that the tagline for this movie was 100% literally correct. It really is an impossible true story.

First of all, was the Meadow  in dire financial straits necessitating some sort of near-miracle to keep the place afloat when it’s owner and patriarch, Chris Chenery was taken seriously ill? YES!
Did a miracle occur? Perhaps a miracle with four legs, fire in its eyes, wind flowing through its mane and possessing an indomitable will to win? YES! That horse was named Riva Ridge, and he won the Kentucky Derby and the Belmont Stakes (among others) for Meadow Farm in 1972, the year before Secretariat won the Triple Crown.

Did Penny Chenery Tweedy Chenery (no, I didn’t typo that, and if you see the movie, you’ll get the hint) feel a close, almost mystical kinship with a racehorse? YES! Once again, it was Riva Ridge. I am frankly amazed that the real Penny didn’t kick and scream to get the Riva Ridge story into the film somewhere, somehow.

In fact, it’s been well documented that when people visited the racing stable where both horses were kept, people flocked to oooh and aah over the brilliant Secretariat and virtually ignored the also-very talented and world record breaking Riva Ridge. A friendly, sociable horse, Riva would hang his head in disappointment when he realized that the fans weren’t interested in him. Now how can you not love a horse like that and want to scritch his cute ears when he’s all sad and lonely? Now THERE is a basis for a movie!

Now I wonder, who trained Riva Ridge? And who rode him? Well, the two scenes in the movie where the stubborn Penny begs, wheedles and bullies trainer Lucien Lauren and jockey Ron Turcotte to take an interest in her special red horsie and come work for her? Let us say that those scenes were unnecessary, since those two were already on the payroll. How about the trainer who was fired? Retired. Sheesh.

The famous coin toss that Penny “lost” but which gave her the unborn foal that would become Secretariat? Didn’t quite work the way they described in the movie.

Oh, and if you’re in Colorado and someone tells you that your mare is giving birth in Kentucky? I don’t care if you have an F-15 parked in the driveway. You are NOT going to get there in time to see the birth. Quite frankly, considering that the mare, Somethingroyal was 18 years old and giving birth to her 13th foal, you probably wouldn’t be able to walk to your mailbox in the time it would take her to fart it out.

And when the mare does give birth? She’s not going to have a bay colt who inexplicably grows up to be a chestnut one. Now look people, I checked. In 2009, 31,727 live Thoroughbred foals were born in North America. Out of 31,727, they couldn’t find a single chestnut one to play the part of babytariat? Seriously??? Did they think we wouldn’t notice?????  Well, maybe some people didn’t, but I know I did. I choked on my popcorn.

How about Secretariat starting his racing campaign in his three year old year and losing the first race, making people believe he was a dud after all? Well, that’s very dramatic, but he didn’t lose the first race of his three year old campaign. That was the Bay Shore Stakes. He won it. The next race was the Gotham Stakes. He won that and equaled the track record. It was the third race, the Wood Memorial where he had a tooth abscess and finished third. But you know, winning two out of three isn’t suspenseful, is it?

The real Secretariat was better than this movie made him appear, and I just can’t believe that they intended to do that. But instead of focusing on all the races he won, and the fashion in which he won them, they focused on a couple of losses and the Triple Crown. They made him look vulnerable, and I’m here to tell you, on a good day, there was nothing vulnerable about that horse. Secretariat was a beast, and they made him look like My Little Pony Goes To The Races.

I could go on and on, and I’m sure you’re already tired of my nit-pickery, but I guess I fail to see the point in making a movie about a royally-bred, lovely, uber-talented horse, whose amazing speed and stamina could only truly be exhibited in two-minute  increments. Is the story interesting? Sure, but it’s not…really the story. Even the touching part about letting old Chris Chenery decline gracefully in the house he loved never happened. They had him in the nursing home back in the ‘60’s. The let’s go nose to nose with the horsie and give him a big ol’ hug scenes? With a young stallion? Penny would have gotten her….doodads….removed.

I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

Now if you want to see the movie Secretariat, go for it. It was easy to watch. I even liked parts of it. But if you want to save some time, and get much more bang for your buck, go to YouTube and punch in Secretariat Belmont 1973. That always gives me the happy shivers and John Malkovich didn’t even have to wear an ugly suit to do it.

Intermission!

• How many times the horse snorts, whinnies or neighs without moving his face at all?
• Seventies fashions. Yes, they really were like that. So were the furnishings. Sue remembers!
• Even spouting French, John Malkovich is not convincing as a French-Canadian.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Hildago
• Black Beauty