“Turns out not even Jack Sparrow can best the devil.”

The Scoop: 2006 Rated PG-13, directed by Gore Verbinski and starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightly.

Tagline: Captain Jack is back.

Summary Capsule: Captain Jack Sparrow has a couple things that powerful enemies want: one is his mysterious compass, another is essentially his soul. Naturally, he sort of has plans to overcome and evade these debts, and naturally they will involve and endanger pretty much everyone from the first film.

Kyle’s rating: Put down your pirate swords, and I’ll bring back the sun

Kyle’s review: We often joke about a movie being review-proof. For Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, it’s no joke. Critics could have said anything negative they wanted to about it; in some cases they did. Not that it mattered. Last I checked, it was in its like 23rd week of theatrical release, and its worldwide “gross” (net + flat x undead monkey) was approximately $900 billion. I’m not very good at research.

All that this means (unless you work for or own stock in Disney, in which case what it means that you now own your very own Big Red Cruise Ship) is that by this point you’re almost certainly already paid to see Pirates 2. You knew it was coming, you practiced your slurred official Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow pirate speak, you watched the first film a couple times to remind yourself of how ****ing awesome it was/is, and while you waited with friends in line for the Thursday night sneak preview you went off with your date for snacks and came back from Target with that cool Davy Jones’ toy chest full of Captain Jack costume accouterments to wear during the film, making sure to give at least one of those cool plastic rings to your sweetie so you know how cool it was of her to buy your ticket for you. Man, I’m a great guy. In case you were wondering.

I mean, hopefully it is true that you took a few hours of your oh so busy summer schedule to swing by a movie theater to enjoy the rollickin’ fun of Pirates 2. I’m not sure I would want to know anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, or would make a brazen claim such as “____ was a much better summer film than that stupid Pirates movie!” Did you think Superman Returns was better? Or maybe Snakes on a Plane? Wrong! Wrong! Erroneous on all counts! Come on, brother/sister. Pirates 2 is where it’s at. Believe it.

Actually, that whole argument is sort of an odd point with me, but admittedly an understandable one. The professional critical opinion seems to be that this was a sequel that looked great and delivered summer blockbuster fun, albeit at all at the expense of overall coherence and originality. As well, there are plenty of normal everyday humans walking and talking out in the world, and quite a few of them (when polled) will report some measure of dissatisfaction with the film. Some will go as far as it say that it was a big disappointment, that didn’t develop the characters, make any sense, or advance any kind of story. I knew the cliffhanger ending was going to throw people, but I was honestly surprised at how many people seemed unaware that there was going to be a third film. Seriously? How could you not know? That’s weird.

Oh, but I sort of empathize with this particular plight, because my first exposure to the world of our favorite pirates and adventurers was capped off with a confused frown. Yep, I went off to Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl on opening day (if you live in southern California and have any kind of love for Disneyland, it was practically mandatory to see it opening weekend) and left the theater not entirely entertained. I was expecting straightforward pirating and adventuring; instead I got humorous takes on the whole pirating gig, a perceived shoehorning of elements from the ride for “ooh, I remember that!” moments, and a completely unexpected and unique performance by Depp. It quickly became a cultural zeitgeist, naturally, and the more I thought about what I had seen I saw how much of a melding of affection and dark humor the film truly was. I immediately bought it, watched it again (and again), and knew it was amazing. It just clicks, you know? What am I saying? Of course you know!

My only point, which comes simultaneously along with a blatant attempt to indicate my own special-ness as a film viewer *blush*, is that I saw the first film as not just a cash-in on a popular, even cherished, Disney ride. The first film is a great action/adventure romp, but pay close attention to the dialogue and performances to really appreciate the different levels of humor, pathos, and wistful observances that are all present. It and its sequel are possibly a touch overlong, but it’s worth it to get all the goodness contained therein.

Focusing exclusively on Dead Man’s Chest, it’s like I said: a lot of people, especially professional critics, decried all of that goodness for making DMC seem “overstuffed” and an irrelevant sequel, since all the good stuff is just copied straight from the first film and that you really only need a couple minutes’ of plot development in order to be prepared for the (presumably) climatic third film. It’s understandable. It’s hard to be a middle film in a trilogy when one of the most common touchstone for trilogy discussion is Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back and that’s arguably one of the greatest films ever made. How do you compare to that?

Obviously, you don’t, and I don’t think DMC really tries to compare or compete with any other middle film. It has to set up the third film and does so, and it has to deliver more of the characters we love and bring them to a place where we still recognize them but walk out of the theater not entirely sure where they are going to go next: it does so. In the brightness and competitive air of the summer film slate, I believe a great deal of the DMC’s complexity got lost in the heat and exuberant Kraken talk. Wait until you can buy or rent it: you’ll see that a lot of the deliberate echoes of the first film are subtly twisted either for humor’s sake or to say something profound about characters or settings, while almost every character manages to enlarge our understanding of them in one way or the other. Like I said, it’s very subtle, but between orgasmic CGI fests on the Flying Dutchman and Kraken attacks, character development is occurring. There isn’t much kissing or romantic swashbuckling to mark its passing, but it’s there. Awesome!

Although clearly the number one reason for any kind of disappointment in Dead Man’s Chest paradoxically lies with Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow. Not because his performance was any less brilliant or Oscar-worthy than his first (it was wonderful!) but because it wasn’t more of the same, which is pretty much what everyone was expecting. Jack is the same as he ever was, but for the duration of this film he’s fighting not to regain his life but to save it, and that’s a big difference. Depp is more subdued (or at least as subdued as Captain Jack Sparrow could possibly be) and more inclined to save his own skin than do the right thing (not that he would do the right thing anyway, unless “the right thing” happened to coincide with what he needed), but he gets enough Captain Jack moments to make the movie special. Maybe not enough moments to make you want to dress up like him for Halloween again (a girl told me she’d be Batgirl if I was her Batman, and that’s a bargain: the best I ever had) but enough to get you excited for the third. If you’re sane, that is.

I know I haven’t made enough of an effort to really sell you on the greatness of Dead Man’s Chest in case you’re not sure about it yourself, but at some point that’s kind of your problem. I couldn’t believe it when people walked out of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones and thought that the third film was going to redeem the prequel trilogy; similarly, I can’t believe people think this middle film didn’t go above and beyond the task of moving the series forward. You’ve got interesting new villains who remain to torment our heroes in another film (see how that’s done, George Lucas? Darth Maul forever!), you’ve got plenty of uncertainty regarding quite a few characters’ allegiances and motivations, and you’ve got one heck of a final shot that promises a lot of humorous drama in the third film. What more could you want? Maybe another Mutant will chime in to elucidate on the part of the disenchanted masses, but I can’t really speak to them. Pirates 2 was an amazing continuation of the story that wasn’t at all what was expected of an adaptation of a theme park ride but blew us all away anyway, and I’m completely confident that what we’ll get in that third film will not be anything we’re expecting, but will certainly be what we need. Yeah! I love you, Johnny! But don’t worry, people: I love Keira more. Hooray!

Lissa’s rating: Kyle, my knife is finding your heart.

Lissa’s review: Things I will admit about Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest:

1.) Norrington is quite hot, even if he is pretty messed up.

2.) The water wheel and the three-way sword fight was fun. In fact, the last hour or so of the movie was pretty fun.

3.) This is the second movie in a series, and it could potentially be redeemed, much like Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince could be highly redeemed by much coolness in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

4.) There were some truly funny lines, especially when rum was involved.

5.) The undead monkey was, without a doubt, undeniably cool.

You know, Kyle is so right about PotC:DMC being review-proof. The reviewers could have said, “This movie is a steaming pile of putrescence worse than back-to-back viewings of Freddy Got Fingered and The Doom Generation” and people still would have turned out for it in droves. Heck, we all watched the three Star Wars prequels, didn’t we? Once you’re invested in a franchise, you just have to go. It’s part of being a fan.

I liked the first Pirates movie. I really did, although it’s not one I watch over and over and over. It was funny and unexpected, especially since I thought a movie based on a ride at Disney World was going to be incredibly lame. I’m not as into it as some people I know (most people I know), but it was enjoyable. But we heard that the second movie was really long, and because we’re both tired and currently working our way through Buffy, we’d put off renting it. Vampires trump pirates these days, I guess.

The second movie IS really long, and it really shouldn’t have been.

It’s not a bad movie, as movies go. It’s actually got some good moments, and it still doesn’t take itself too seriously. But I spent the first half of the movie asking what the heck was going on because the editing and storytelling was pretty crappy, and what was the point of the whole island adventure with the cannibal tribe? That was some bad story telling, unless it’s vastly important for the third movie. Sure, I’m fine with sometimes just including the funny. But it wasn’t that funny, and it didn’t add anything, so… yeah. It could have been cut.

The truth is, much of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest was, well, boring. And in a movie like this, where the absurd is made serious, that’s bad. Because if the movie is boring, it makes it hard to suspend disbelief. You spend more time wondering if the guy who played Bootstrap Bill played Grima (no) or how to play that dice game (didn’t figure it out) or laughing at the really silly sea villains than you do caught up in the magic the story is trying to create. And when you’re not enjoying the ride, you find plenty to pick on.

I’m feeling hormonal today, so things I’d like to pick on….

1.) Okay, Keira Knightley’s character in this drives me insane. She really does. I’m all for the strong female role models. Seriously, I am. But Elizabeth is more a Pink Power Ranger. She can do everything, all the while touting her femininity and independence. She’s obnoxious about being an independent, strong woman, kind of like a Mary Sue in fanfic. Her only saving grace is the moral shades of gray that they’ve introduced to her character. If she goes over the edge and chooses Jack eventually and becomes a feared pirate, all her obnoxiousness is forgiven.

2.) That said, Will is a total sap.

3.) Also, there is no real pairing in this film. The writers should totally go into threesome territory. They won’t, naturally, because this IS Disney and kiddies watch the enterprise. But it would be really funny.

4.) The villains have to be the most distracting pieces of walking latex I have ever seen. Especially that hammerhead shark guy. Wow. I mean, you’re supposed to be afraid of villains, not giggle at them.

5.) Not enough of Captain Jack Sparrow being Captain Jack Sparrow. I appreciate that this was a more introspective movie for him, and I think maybe that’s what the bit about the cannibals on the island was supposed to be about. But there was an edge missing here, and the character was just sort of joyless and flat.

See, none of these are really big complaints. There’s nothing here that I found absolutely terrible. And like I said, maybe the third film will redeem some of the lesser qualities of this one. But PotC:DMC was long and largely boring, and I just can’t find it in my heart to sing its praises after that.

INTERMISSION!

• Probably to play up to various observations about the first film, there are plenty of veiled reference to the possibility of Captain Jack Sparrow being homosexual
• Keira Knightley had to wear hair extensions because she had cut her hair short for her role in Domino
• The conch-man spoke Cantonese after his head was cut-off
• When the word “Tortuga” is set on fire on the deck, it is written in the trademark Disney font
• The shack by the river as the crew go to see Tia Dalma is identical to the shack on the far side of the river across from the boarding dock of the Magic Kingdom’s “Jungle Cruise” ride in Orlando, Florida
• This is the first film to feature Disney’s new logo, a computer-generated model of the Magic Kingdom, replacing the blue and white silhouette
• The dice game that Will Turner plays with Davy Jones is called Liar’s Dice, a gambling game where each player has to make consecutively higher bids based upon how many of each die they claim are on the table (two threes, four fives, etc.), until a player is called a liar, in which case all the dice are shown and it’s seen if the bid is correct. Normally a player only loses a die when caught in a lie and is not out of the game until he has lost all his dice
• Although several people mentioned that Jack Sparrow had gone to ‘Singapore’, that island country was not found and given the name ‘Singapore’ until the early 19th century by Sir Stamford Raffles of the East India Company in 1819
• After the credits, there’s a nice little animal-based scene that should put a little smile on your face, or possibly a wince. It seems to echo the first film’s post-credits sequence, so maybe we’ll see this little scene’s star in the third film after all?
• The gigantic wheel upon which the sword fight between Sparrow, Turner and Norrington takes place weighed at 1800 pounds and stood at 18 feet tall
• For the film’s release, the Walt Disney Company redesigned the Pirates of the Caribbean rides in Walt Disney World and Disneyland to feature captain Jack Sparrow, Barbossa, and an appearance by the films’ supernatural character Davy Jones as part of the attraction
• In order to get an actual surprised reaction, the small kissing scene between Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann was cut out of Orlando Bloom’s script
• Davy Jones and his 18-member crew of the Flying Dutchmen were entirely computer-generated, except for Bootstrap Bill. Bill Nighy wore a dark gray motion-capture suit with dozens of reference marks on his face and body while performing. ILM has refined the motion-capture system so that only two cameras were needed, compared with up to 16 in the past.
• Gore Verbinski did not tell the cast what was to happen with the bone cage. He wanted to get their natural reactions when it swung from side to side.

Groovy Quotes

Gibbs: Mark me words, what bodes ill for Jack Sparrow bodes ill for us all.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Now where is that monkey, I need to shoot something!

Pintel: You know you can’t read.
Ragetti: It’s the Bible, you get credit for trying.

Elizabeth Swann: Why doesn’t your compass work?
Captain Jack Sparrow: …My compass works just fine.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Elizabeth! (to Gibbs) Hide the rum.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Darling, I am truly unhappy to have to tell you this, but through an unfortunate and entirely unforeseeable series of circumstances that had nothing whatsoever to do with me, poor Will has been press-ganged into Davy Jones’s crew.

Captain Jack Sparrow: How did you get here?
Will Turner: Sea turtles, mate. A pair of them strapped to my feet.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Not so easy, is it?

Guard: Mr. Swann…
Governor Weatherby Swann: *Governor* Swann, still. Do you think I wear this wig to keep my head warm?

Crewmember: I have one arm and a bum leg.
Gibbs: It’s the crow’s nest for you.

Will Turner: This… is going to save Elizabeth?
Captain Jack Sparrow: How much do you know about Davey Jones?
Will Turner: Not much.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Yeah, it’s gonna save Elizabeth.

Will Turner: What vexes all men?
Tia Dalma: What, indeed.
Gibbs: Well, the sea!
Pintel: Sums!
Ragetti: The dichotomy of good and evil.
Captain Jack Sparrow: A woman.

Captain Jack Sparrow: My incredibly intuitive sense of the female creature tells me that you are troubled.

Elizabeth Swann: It’s real!
Norrington: My God. You actually were telling the truth.
Captain Jack Sparrow: I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.
Will Turner: With good reason.

Pintel: …I always heard it said “kray-kin”
Ragetti: What? with a long A? Na-na-na-na-no-no no “Krah-ken”‘s how it’s pronounced in the original Scandinavian, and “Krakken”‘s closer to that.
Pintel: Well we ain’t original Scandinavians, are we?
Ragetti: It’s a mythological creature, I can calls it what I wants!

Elizabeth Swann: There will come a time when you’ll have the chance to do something courageous, to do the right thing.
Captain Jack Sparrow: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Tia Dalma: Davey Jones can’t go on land but once every ten years. Land is where you are safe Jack Sparrow. And so you will carry land with you.
[hands Jack a jar of dirt]
Captain Jack Sparrow: Dirt. This is a jar a dirt.
Tia Dalma: Yes.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Is the jar of dirt going to help?
Tia Dalma: If ya don’t want it. Give it back.
Captain Jack Sparrow: [turns away, hugging jar to his chest] No.
Tia Dalma: Then it helps.

Captain Jack Sparrow: [Talking about Jack’s debt to Jones] You already have my payment. One soul to serve on your ship is already over there.
Davey Jones: One soul is not equal to another.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Ah-ha! So, we’ve established my proposal as sound in principle. Now, we’re just haggling over price.

Elizabeth Swann: Jack, the letters, give them back.
Captain Jack Sparrow: No. Persuade me.
Elizabeth Swann: You do know Will taught me how to handle a sword.
Captain Jack Sparrow: As I said, persuade me.

Captain Jack Sparrow: [to Elizabeth] One word love; curiosity. You long for freedom. You long to do what you want to do because you want it. To act on selfish impulse. You want to see what it’s like. One day you wont be able to resist.

Captain Jack Sparrow: I’ve got a jar of dirt, I’ve got a jar of dirt, and guess what’s inside it!

Captain Jack Sparrow: [to Elizabeth] You know, these clothes do not flatter you at all. It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
• Raiders of the Lost Ark
• The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers