“What are you blabbering about now?”

Drake’s rating: This third time is decidedly NOT the charm

Drake’s review: Some trilogies end on a high note, with triumphant battles and epic victories over seemingly impossible odds. Others cap it off with anthropomorphic teddy bears slaughtering and presumably eating Imperial stormtroopers before singing their way into toy stores across the globe. And still others limp to the finish line and just collapse in a heap, finally giving the audience the relief they have long craved by exhausting all available resources and simply sputtering to a close.

And we all know how the Vice Academy trilogy ends, right? Not with a bang, and not even a whimper, but just a sigh from the viewer, content that this fresh hell is finally over.

Granted, Vice Academy Part 2 was a very slight improvement over the first movie, thanks in large part to the developing chemistry between Ginger Lynn and Linnea Quigley, and of course the guest appearance by a classic Toyota MR2. But for reasons unknown* Quigley departed the series after Part 2, taking her MR2 with her and leaving Rick Sloane without a co-lead for the end of the trilogy. Turning to the TV series Charlie’s Angles for inspiration, Sloane quickly introduces Didi’s younger sister Candy (Elizabeth Kaitan, Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity) into the cast and just keeps the camera rolling.

Unfortunately, it’s far from a seamless fit. Klutzy, inept Candy simply lack the fun energy of Linnea Quigley, meaning it’s on Ginger Lynn to really carry the movie once she’s sprung from the prison she was sent to at the end of the second flick. And that’s an unfair ask, since Lynn’s character Holly was originally created to be the foil to Quigley’s Didi. Granted, I’m probably going too far down the rabbit hole on why Vice Academy Part 3 is the worst movie in the trilogy, but in all honesty this installment is so bad that one almost yearns for the quiet stupidity of the first flick in the series.

It doesn’t help that the villain this time out is an escaped convict by the name of Melanie (Julia Parton, The Naked Detective), who accidentally gets doused with hair spray and then, with her brunette locks dyed a bright green, takes on the name Malathion and promises a Joker-like crime spree.

What actually ends up happening is that she runs around and sprays random women in the face with hair spray, and then steals their purses. Even Part 2’s Spanish Fly had bigger plans than that!

Holly and Candy team up to take down Malathion, of course. They hang out at a strip club,** argue a bit, then don bikinis and dance at a recycling event meant to draw Malathion out so they can catch her and end the movie. It all works out, of course, with as little in the way of either tension or comedic timing as possible. It all just kind of happens and the movie ends and you go, “Huh.” Because that’s all you can say after you’re hit with the realization that Rick Sloane has stolen yet another 90 minutes of your life.

It wasn’t just the end of the movie, though, but the end of the Vice Academy series. It sputtered to a sad halt and faded from the minds of the audience and probably the cast as well. For a few years, at least. Then the Vice Academy flicks started showing up on USA’s “Up All Night,” Vice Academy took home that station’s B-Minus award for best movie in ‘93 and in 1994 the sequel trilogy kicked off with Vice Academy Part 4.

I’m blaming the USA network for that. They have a lot to answer for.

So, yes, there are three more Vice Academy movies, but I’m going to let these three sink in a bit before delving any deeper into Rick Sloane’s filmography. I’ll get back to them, I just need a month or two.

Or six. Or maybe a year. Look, let me check my 2028 calendar and get back to you…

*Maybe she read the script before committing this time around.

**Because it’s a Rick Sloane movie.

Intermission!

• The character of Miss Devonshire, the vice academy instructor who had been played by Jayne Hamil in the first two films, was replaced by Jordana Capra this time around. Fear not, Hamil will make her return for the sequel trilogy.
• That guard was easily subdued by a shoulder massage.
• Prison field trip! Is that a thing?
• “Shut up, Candy! We’re here to have a good time.” She’s definitely not talking to the audience.
• Back to the strip club. They built that set, they’re gonna use it.
• Marines wearing Navy whites? This movie feels like it was made by AI.
• $5 an hour! Well, it is the ‘80s. Oops, ‘90s now.
• Sure, just give the intern an extra gun you have lying around. Nothing wrong with that at all.