“We’re talking more of a controlled crash than a landing.”

Justin’s rating: I never knew terrorists could have such appealing midriffs

Justin’s review: There used to be a type of TV movie that existed merely to be a sad consolation prize for people who couldn’t go see or rent the real thing. So if your rental store didn’t have Die Hard 2 and you were jonesing for some discount Con Air with flashbacks to Airplane!, well, I guess there were worse ways to spend an hour-and-half than the expertly titled Hijacked: Flight 285.*

There were a lot better ways, too, including dental implant surgery.

One thing I’ll give this movie is that it doesn’t take long at all — just 15 minutes — before the hijacking happens. A convicted murderer that the feds shove onto a full jumbo jet gets his friends to break him out and stage a takeover of the plane. He and his pals have guns and a bomb and perhaps a plan. Perhaps not.

So why is this film notable in a field of a thousand other lame hijacking flicks? It’s not for excellence, I can tell you that. It’s because, for whatever reason** this TV movie is stacked with notable names from the ’80s including two members of The Breakfast Club — Ally Sheedy and Anthony Michael Hall. There’s also Michael Gross, James Brolin, and David Graf filling up seats on the flight and making us wonder what their agents said to convince them to take this sad project***.

The best thing here is Sheedy as a FBI negotiator who’s got to spar over the phone with Hall’s murderer. I would’ve instantly declared this Film of the Year if they reprised their Breakfast Club roles and were like “Hey, what have you been up to? This is so crazy bumping into each other like this! Did you forget about me?” Heck, it’d be film of the CENTURY if Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, and Molly Ringwald showed up as well.

To save money, this entire movie takes place at night, so everything inside is dim and everything outside the plane is dark. But hey, imagination is the best special effects generator, yeah? This is doing the audience a favor by showing nothing!

On the other hand, to Hijacked: Flight 285’s credit, the pace stays as snappy as the start. You’d expect a lot of long drawn-out character-fleshing conversations as if this were a Stephen King miniseries, but no, it’s almost speed running through these events.

As an aside, have fun counting the number of times the hijackers leave the cockpit alone, allowing the flight crew to lock the door and keep them out. Which, for some reason, they NEVER DO.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t become a Die Hard scenario where one of the passengers starts taking out these terrorists one by one (there’s only three of them, anyway). Rather, we’re stuck with these familiar actors giving their career-worst performances. Anthony Michael Hall dweebs it up to 11 by trying to be menacing but failing at doing anything other than wearing a garish ’90s shirt. Heck, his girlfriend can’t even fully commit to Team Hijacking, as she gets soft looking at a little girl who’s also on the flight.

Sheedy is fine enough, but mostly she exists just to get the stuffing beat out of her, which seems to be a waste of her talents. My favorite was James Brolin as the first officer, who looks slightly amused the entire time as if he isn’t sure what kind of movie he’s in and doesn’t care in the least.

Other than the notable casting, it’s hard to drum up any reasons to see this. Maybe if it were the inflight movies — do they do those anymore? — it would have use as a sleeping aid for the passengers.

*Honestly, who approved this lame title? It sounds like a cable channel documentary that your grandma would watch because she couldn’t find the remote.

**Paychecks

***”There’s going to be a paycheck.”

Intermission!

• If shackling hands and feet are your thing, you’ll be in heaven during these opening credits
• Shut up about your stuffies, kid!
• How to make dorky pistols with balsa wood and then tape them to your bra, abs, and butt
• It’s one of the Cosby grandfathers
• “Sit on my lap if you need to.” eww
• 100 mhz laptop that makes desktops obsolete? Get out of here, kid!
• Polaroid selfies is SO 1996
• That’s a huge airplane bathroom
• I’ll be honest, I did not expect to see gymnastics in a hijacking film
• She’s flying this plane like it’s a fighter jet, and I am here for it
• Balsa pistol is less threatening every time she pulls it out
• When the hostages are forcing other hostages back into the plane to be shot, they may be doing this wrong
• ZOOM! ENHANCE!
• Hide and go seek on planes!