“And now for the rules of the international Chinese downhill: There are none.”

Justin’s rating: 16 unplanned babies were conceived in the making of this film

Justin’s review: Since I boldly and fearlessly reviewed Hamburger the Motion Picture a while back, honor binds me to complete the set by diving into Hot Dog the Movie. Oddly enough, neither of these have much in common other than puerile ’80s teen shenanigans, but still, the naming convention beckoned to me.

Not that I have to say it, but Hot Dog is a simple and straight-forward experience that typifies the format for many similar ’80s flicks. If it had RDA packaging, it might be divvied up into:

• 30% ski footage by professional athletes who are definitely not the main cast
• 30% partying and general tomfoolery
• 20% guys chasing girls and girls chasing guys
• 10% plot
• 10% amazing soundtrack

Allegedly, there are jokes, but it’s more like a humorous tone to complement the festive atmosphere. This is the kind of flick where you can easily imagine some hooligan just offscreen bellowing, “Y’all having a GOOD TIME? WOOO!”

Nominally, Hot Dog the Movie is about a bunch of skiers coming together at Lake Tahoe’s Squaw Valley to compete for some big championship. Among the attenders is Harkin, a good ol’ boy who picks up a hitchhiking girl named Sunny to bring along to the fun. He’s pretty respectful of her, despite Sunny being immature and impulsive at every turn.

At the ski resort, Harkin bumps into his new mortal enemy — Austrian skier Rudi, who leads a gang of European jerks called the Rudettes — and makes besties with the local Rat Pack of hot shot goofs, led by charismatic Dan. The Rat Pack instantly endeared itself to me with their good-natured attitudes and goofy variety, and I was keen to spend the remainder of the runtime hanging out with them.

I scarcely need to fill in the rest of the story, because you can predict the rest. There’s some cheeky snobs vs slobs rivalry, a lot of unnecessary nudity, ski ballet (yes), snow hockey matches on weed, ridiculous situations, and mild ’80s racial stereotypes. This all leads up to the famous Chinese Downhill, a chaotic free-for-all race down the mountain with the winner getting cash and respect from everyone else.

You can feel an amateurish hand directing this, because there are so many missed opportunities and unresolved plot threads. Perhaps the worst of the latter is how the resort is tilting the scales in favor of Rudi. The Rat Pack never really gets even with Rudi in the pranks department, even though he’s begging for it, and that is a shame.

While Hot Dog is in many ways a locker room movie, it did distinguish itself with a collection of amazing skiing stunts that looks superb on the screen. This wasn’t trying to be a serious sports drama or anything, but it absolutely delivers the goods — and I say that having seen pretty much every ski comedy from the ’80s and ’90s. Watching these pros tear up the slopes is a joy, especially when the exuberant soundtrack kicks in.

There’s not going to be anyone who’s going to leap to an impassioned defense of Hot Dog the Movie for its excellent storytelling or virtuous attitude. There are better slopes movies out there — Out Cold and Ski School are my recommendations — but there’s a devil-may-care rambunctiousness here that’s undeniably infectious and fun. There were parts of this I wasn’t too thrilled with, but its energy and ski moves more than made up for it.

Intermission!

• There’s actually a producer’s cut that was released on Blu-ray, believe it or not
• Oh man, that title track of “Top of the Hill” is a perfect ’80s sports comedy movie theme song
• And how about those so-very-teal credits?
• Clothes are optional for hotel operators
• Waterbeds look so awkward and uncomfortable
• “Hey Adolf, somebody’s talking to you!”
• OK this guitar song goes on for 1.5 years
• Banana Pants! Apparently that was an improvised line, which is terrific.
• Karate chopping peanuts
• Taking all the shrimp plus a banana? That’s a party foul.
• That is a gigantic cognac glass
• The ski sled looks like a great way to get around and deliver beer
• Is this… ski ballet? What IS this competition? Why is nobody beating up any of these people for the stupidest thing ever devised?
• Rudi has a case of resting B-face
• “You busy for dinner?” PUNCH
• Wait, why did Sunny come back?
• NO NOT ANOTHER GUITAR FOLK SONG! NO PLEASE NO!
• Putting on a ton of sunscreen apparently is attractive to girls
• “How does it feel to win and be second best?”
• Wow, snowballs, you really showed them
• So many great stunts on the Chinese Downhill, including the guy who crashed himself into a tree for real
• “Ve will meet again… in Hot Dog 2!”