“I’m like X-Men and Captain Kirk Jr. rolled into one.”

Justin’s rating: Yes, I am a Cool Expert!

Justin’s review: Until a few years ago, I wasn’t consciously aware of how much scifi TV and movies Canada produced over the years. And Australia, while I’m thiknking of it. Now that my eyes are opened, I see nothing but a field of ’90s Canadian scifi stretching from Nova Scotia to British Columbia, and it is glorious.

Well, gloriously low-budget.

But at least Laserhawk* snagged Mark Hamill in his slumming days, so that’s guaranteed to sell a few VHS boxes on his face alone.

Aliens are buzzing the tower in Wisconsin, and Maverick is not amused. Actually, it’s a pair of teenagers — cocky Zach and gothy Cara — who grow a little suspicious that little visiting green men might not have everyone’s best interests at heart, especially when people (and an entire bus full of students) are abducted right in front of their faces.

There’s some element of “boy who cried wolf” here, as Zach initially faked a UFO sighting and now nobody believes that he’s seeing the real thing and imagining up real spaceships — until it’s too late, of course.

I think gradual alien abductions emptying out a town could’ve been a creepy, effective thriller if it had been done right. Here, it’s done as ineptly as possible with sub-par special effects abounding. About the only really great visual is the now-empty school bus which crashes down into a forest as if it was spit out by a UFO. We needed more moments than that.

So how will all the teen forces of Canada posing as rural USA fend off these aggressive space pirates? By banding together with a comic book writer named [I DIDN’T LOOK UP HIS NAME] and a crazy dude named Bob (Hamill), who is — no surprise here — the reincarnated form of a soldier from 250 million years ago who just so happened to crash-land on our planet.

Hamill doesn’t even show up until the 43-minute mark, so don’t go thinking that this is Luke Skywalker coming back to blast the Ewoks to kingdom come. This is fresh-off-a-bender Hamill putting in a bare minimum for a paycheck, clocking in less than 20 minutes of screentime before going back to drinking blue milk.

Anyway, wouldn’t you know, Zach and Cara are ALSO reincarnated alienbusters, much to their surprise. So was this a weird foster program? The movie tries to pass this scenario off as the life energy of those dead warriors latching onto some kids 250 million years into the future in preparation for the next alien invasion, but I’m not buying it.

When the three come together, they also combine pieces of an amulet that they all carry to receive coordinates to a secret space fighter — the Laserhawk — that might help them repel the invasion. Then they use whatever’s left of this film’s $7 million budget to stage a less-than-epic space battle, preserve our way of life, and fly into the sunset.

It shouldn’t shake the foundation of your worldview to learn that Laserhawk is kind of a lame X-Files-meets-Independence Day ripoff. The pacing is sluggish as the teens gradually, oh so gradually, make their way toward their spaceship and destiny. The acting, Hamill included, is exceedingly bland and nobody seems to care much about anything that’s happening.

“It had potential” doesn’t get free points in my book. If anything, it’s points against a film for not realizing that potential into something worth my time. Laserhawk was a lame Canadian import, and I am sending it back to the land of two languages in the hopes that one of them will make this movie more interesting.

*Take two buzz-worthy words, smoosh them together, now you have an even more awesome movie title that makes no sense. Right, Grizzlychainsaw?

Intermission!

• Earth 250 million years ago had a red filter
• OK these opening credits go on forever and are so dull
• Dude, don’t kiss your own shoulder in an arcade
• “I can forgive someone for being a geek.” SHOTS FIRED
• “What are you, a cool expert?”
• “Coming from the boy who put the con in Wisconsin?”
• The bus crashing down in the forest is a nice moment
• Whining is a prerequisite for a sheriff dealing with a small crowd
• Cyberjack 3 and Xtro II on the movie marquee
• Aliens only see motion, like Jurassic Park T.Rexes
• Mental hospital therapy involves a lot of hugs