“What are you all doing in my room? And what’s this forest doing in my room?”

Justin’s rating: This movie gets 50 demerits

Justin’s review: When you ask yourself the question, “Am I in the mood for this kind of movie?” sometimes what you’re actually asking is if you have the energy for certain genres. A deep, introspective drama or a complex foreign art film or even a psychological horror might require more from you than you’re willing to give that night. But a fluffy, mindless comedy from the ’80s? That asks nothing, requires nothing, yet perhaps gives… something?

Combat Academy (sometimes called Combat High) is exactly the kind of cinematic snack food that you may need to soothe a jangled soul. It was directed by Neal Israel, the writer of Real Genius and Police Academy, who obviously hoped to capitalize on the latter’s successful formula. Just instead of a police academy full of misfits, how about a military academy with a couple misfits?

Max (Keith Gordon) and Perry (Wallace Langham) go on a pranking spree on the first day of school, which gets them punted right to Kirkland Military Academy for a full year. Will the structure and discipline of the US armed forces whip them into shape — or will the pair bring chaos and mayhem into every facet of the school? Well, only one of those qualifies as “comedy,” I’m sure you can guess.

Despite Combat Academy’s obscurity, you may be surprised to see how many famous names show up here. Plenty of sitcom greats show up here, including Jamie Farr, Richard Moll, Marc Price, and John Ratzenberger. But perhaps the most eyebrow-raising inclusion is an extremely young George Clooney as one of the military kids who’s also Max’s new roommate.

I suppose we need to get this straight: Despite Israel’s presence, the title font (and name change), and a couple of screwballs bouncing around, this really isn’t Police Academy in Combat Boots. It’s more of a high school comedy with a military overlay where only Max and Perry are the ones sticking out as the noobs, although there are a few other students who show a little bit of character development, including European Vacation’s Dana Hill as a love-struck sergeant.

The biggest issue with Combat Academy rests with Gordon’s Max as a lead character. Like many teen protagonists at the time, Max is written as a snarky anti-conformist. And that’s fine, even expected, but they don’t get his balance right here. He’s a little too much of a jerk with no brakes or filter, which makes it hard to root for him even though I know I’m supposed to. Happily, he gets more tolerable as the story progresses.

While Max and Perry try their best to get kicked out, they do end up sticking around to help uncover a thieving conspiracy and help out in a wargame against Russian cadets (again, this was 1986). They also attend a science class with Richard Moll as the most scatterbrained goof. Moll might well be the funniest guy in this entire production, to be honest.

Combat Academy isn’t terrible but it’s not as genuinely entertaining as Neal Israel’s Moving Violations was, either. Some moments and characters work, but many more don’t. There were some obvious flubs, such as a bumper sticker moving between shots or a reverse shot used because the actor couldn’t catch a thrown gun (?). This TV movie could’ve worked if a better balance between these elements was struck — and more zany comedy found its way into this parade ground.

Intermission!

• That’s a LOT of work for pranks. I think they should get a commendation for original thinking.
• Explosions in high school lockers would definitely trigger a different response today. Also fireworks in the hallway.
• Max taking notes about future pranks from the principal’s rant is a funny bit
• “I like the idea of growing up, it will look good on a resume.”
• The Ronald Reagan mask, “Bye Dad, bye Nancy.”
• “We’re cadets! That’s a step up from Mouskateer!”
• Max playing with the general’s pistol got a laugh
• Oh that cheesy soap opera music
• “This private prefers to sleep in his privates, major.”
• “It’s Johnny Reb!”
• Those are huge paintball splatters
• “It’s just a flesh wound!”
• Max throws a gun up and they reverse the film so he “catches” it — it’s such a bad moment
• “I love bacon, and I love a hard mattress.”
• “Never cough during the elements.”
• About time this movie had dinosaurs
• The prank with the growing turtle is pretty genius
• Rambo homages were pretty fresh in 1986
• So many cheesy ’80s classic songs
• Are they dancing or walking across the room?
• “I fell on a sword!”
• “You don’t want to be late for your first day of global domination, would you?”