” I live my life a quarter-mile at a time.” “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Justin’s rating: Speedy and Simmering

Justin’s review: Wait, why am I reviewing a motorcycle racing movie starring Ice Cube? Other than “it’s a motorcycle racing movie starring Ice Cube,” it’s because Torque happened to be directed by Detention’s Joseph Kahn, and I wanted to see what this guy could do with a movie that was a clear shot across the bow of the entire Fast and Furious franchise.*

If you’re not familiar with Kahn, it’s probably because he’s only directed a handful of movies and also a bazillion music videos. So both Torque and Detention are shot and edited with an eye for speed, style, and energy — but not much restraint or subtlety.

As this great pillar of western civilization begins, Cory Ford (Martin Henderson, The Ring) returns to the states after a long absence due to running away from the law. But he’s back and he’s excelling in two things: posing for his glamor shot and riding motorcycles in what professionals would deem an unsafe manner.

There’s a lot of concern about recovering some bikes stuffed with drugs that everyone wants, including a redneck gang, the feds, and Ice Cube speed-running every tropish quote he googled before filming started. Oh, Cory gets framed for murdering Ice Cube’s brother, but don’t fret as they end up besties before too long.

We’ve also got Severence’s Adam Scott showing up as an FBI agent and Jaime Pressly as goth biker chick China, just in case your mind needs a little whiplash.

But really and truly, Torque is just a silly and irreverent take on Fast and Furious, just with two fewer wheels and a lot more music video posturing. Everyone here — everyone — is utterly enthralled with motorcycles and all of the crazy things that can be done with them. Nobody gets hurt jumping ramps at 140 mph here, probably because they entered the invincibility code before selecting “Player One Start.”

Why are we showing up for this? Y’know, beside Ice Cube? Well, Torque is so concerned with looking cool that it tips right over the edge and plunges into loopy absurdity. It’s loud and brash with everyone ripping across the desert while hoping very hard that motorcycle driving will solve their problems. Maybe it will. Tax problems? Motorcycle racing. Relationship on the rocks? Motorcycle racing. Need a hip replacement? Motorcycle racing, obviously.

Khan’s music video style gives the viewer permission to shut off all judgment and simply enjoy the spectacle. When that happens, everything that’s over-the-top becomes acceptable and not the deal-breaker it should be. Every scene here is to look macho and cool. Every character acts as if they’re the main star. And every stunt is a whole lot of fun even if physics are not welcome to the party.

No argument, Torque is awful, but sometimes the action and humor kicks in and it becomes awfully entertaining. But as with all bad movies, your mileage… may vary.

YEAHHHHHH

*In case you didn’t get it, there’s a “Cars Suck” sign in minute two.

Intermission!

• The tortoise at a race! It’s a metaphor!
• “Cars suck” on the sign
• “Can I get fries with that, because I’m hungry as hell?”
• Lot of concern about the quality of food in Thailand
• Well that bar fight escalated quickly
• There’s so many people throwing and breaking beer bottles in the middle of conversations. Man, pick up your glass!
• Kids merry-go-rounds are so romantic
• I laughed so hard when Ice Cube slapped a cell phone onto his motorcycle helmet with a magnet and had a conversation at 60 mph
• That’s a lot of dudes peeing off a cliff
• “DOWN EARL!”
• Maybe stop throwing the shotguns on the ground?
• “I’d rather be fast than invisible.”
• Everyone’s jumping on top of trains these days… and into them
• OK the camera punch was funny
• Two people can drive a motorcycle at the same time