“Want some kung fu tea? Tastes good.”

Justin’s rating: Trumpy does magic things!

Justin’s review: When you’re but one of a stampeding herd of Hong Kong martial arts flicks in the ’80s, the only way that you’re going to get noticed is by going above and beyond… and maybe getting a bit weird.

“Weird” is Magic Crystal’s stock and trade. Excellent fight choreography? Heavy-hitting talent? A worldwide treasure hunt? Goofy comedy? An evil magician? Spy tactics? An alien egg that founded Greece? Yeah, it’s safe to say that martial arts thriller got noticed.

Hong Kong fighter-for-hire Andy (Andy Lau) AKA Eagle Hunter gets a mysterious letter from a friend in Greece who’s in trouble with the KGB. Wisely, Andy packs up a little defenseless kid named Pin-Pin (and comic relief pal Pancho) and does the Indiana Jones thing across the world. Hey, anything to get out of a work day!

It seems that everyone is hot for a recently discovered magic crystal that’s either a gift shop quartz or an item of immense power. And that means all-out battles any time that conflicting groups come in contact with each other, even though they’re brandishing spears and swords and the police aren’t too far away.

Andy teams up with Interpol agents who are also looking for the artifact, and wouldn’t you know it, one of them is the Queen of Martial Arts herself, Cynthia Rothback (Honor and Glory). I was grinning when Rothback came barreling into her first fight right at the prime of her life. She’s amazing to watch in action, smirking as she pulls off moves that would send me to the hospital in traction.

They’re all going to have to work hard to keep the artifact out of the hands of Karov (Richard Norton, Gymkata), a KGB martial artist magician who must have the most fascinating resume. Pin-pin ends up with the artifact, which is actually some sort of alien egg with a friendly critter who bonds with the kid and uses mind-control powers to mess with people.* Yeah, it’s totally shades of E.T., but this was 1986, so it’s excusable.

Almost from the outset, Magic Crystal eschews “serious” and “believable” for a wild, entertaining romp through multiple genres. It’s an insane little story where amazingly fast and creative fights break out every other scene. I have to say, it’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed a Hong Kong fight fest like this, and the stunts were genuinely impressive.

*Also, the alien can put someone’s feet on their arms and hands on their legs. This is normal.

Intermission!

• I guess people liked filming themselves working out in the gym in 1986 too
• Asian henchman with perm is very ’80s
• So. Many. Flight. Metaphors.
• That’s an adorable little computer!
• Sunglasses with windshield wipers make you look even more dweeby. Also, bucket hats on men. Only Brad Pitt can pull that sort of thing off, and only then barely.
• “You must be an eyesore to your mother.”
• Lot of graffiti on these temples
• That’s a cool portable spear that folds up for transport
• Umbrellas make great weapons
• “Don’t compete with me for the toilet!”
• This guy is gut-shot and he’s more agile than a hyperactive preschooler
• The magic crystal is now speaking
• Watch out for falling refrigerators!
• Everyone’s flying off balconies
• Alien egg critter can control minds
• “That man’s an idiot with a low IQ.”
• About time that this film had someone rip off their own face
• What, you DON’T carry a grappling hook with rappelling cord in your gym bag?
• Aliens really like ice cream
• “Keep calm and I can give you ESP.”
• Why does the alien give the jerk ESP?
• Lickin’ the plunger
• ESP gives you magic rays… and then you jump out of a window
• Ah the old “ice bullet” trick
• Forklift cam
• Indiana Jones tomb robbing and a horrible alien puppet who made Venus and then freeze-dried himself