“Mon crayon est large.”

Justin’s rating: I was disappointed that this wasn’t the game where your uncle would steal your nose.

Justin’s review: You would think that a story that centers on those old college assassination games would be a pretty niche topic, but nope — the ’80s cranked out two of these. There was TAG: The Assassination Game in 1982 and Gotcha a few years later in 1985. Sure, the former was a kind of slasher film, while the latter is a spy thriller, but still… it’s a weird occurrence.

Jonathan (Anthony Edwards, Revenge of the Nerds) might be a crack shot in his college “Gotcha” paintball game, but be’s a total loser with the women. There’s probably a connection there, but let’s keep moving. When he and his roomie travel to Paris on a trip, Jonathan’s desperation for a date makes him an easy mark for Sasha (Linda Fiorentino, Men in Black), a spy who wants to use him to smuggle some microfilm out of East Berlin.

Well this date is going to bite him in the butt, because now he’s being chased by the Soviets throughout Europe and all the way back to his college in L.A. Will he pull out his one and only skill as a Gotcha expert to turn the tables on his pursuers? Eh, probably. Has he learned his lesson not to follow strange women behind the Iron Curtain? Eh, definitely.

I’d seen Gotcha a long time ago and hoped that it was better than the hazy negative impressions from that watch. Unfortunately, the best I can relay upon a second viewing is that it’s got a few moments, a few jokes, and a few ideas that keep it from being a total waste.

The problem is that Gotcha has no idea what it wants to be. It starts out as this quirky college comedy about a guy who’s chasing girls in vain. Then it’s a European vacation and lighthearted romance for a while. Then the film lurches into a diet spy thriller starring a nebbish idiot who probably shouldn’t let his downstairs friend do the talking in his life. Comedy tries to return in spots yet is roundly rebuffed by the needs of the story.

If it wanted to be an action thriller, it needed to have a much more focused and exciting approach. If it wanted to be a genre comedy, then it should’ve taken a cue from Top Secret! or Spies Like Us. If it wanted to be a college flick about paintball (and it really should’ve), none of the rest was necessary. It’s trying to have a lot of things at once but can’t make the mixture work.

I also got completely exasperated with Jonathan, who might be the biggest nincompoop I’ve seen in a film. I get being girl crazy, I do, but son, you do not stroll into communist East Berlin and declare your love for a strange woman without opening yourself up to a world of hurt.

Maybe this is a guilty pleasure for some people (to be fair, the soundtrack is pumped with some great ’80s tunes), but I couldn’t force myself to like it. It’s a peanut butter and liverwurst sandwich — maybe a taste that someone can stomach, but I’d rather spit it out.

Intermission!

• This assassination is brought to you by DIET PEPSI!
• “We hunt each other around campus” is not the pick-up line you think it is
• The middle finger when the title card pops up
• How did they drag a tiger into a classroom and plop it up on a table?
• “Mom!” “Al…”
• Super sped-up driving is really goofy and dumb
• “Your pencil is big and yellow? How nice for you.”
• That is extremely gross water, don’t drink that, don’t pay for that
• Dancing German bear is extremely drunk
• Spies like staircases a lot
• By the time we get to the strip search scene, it’s just sad
• “I’ve been wanting to do that for the last six months.”
• Burger King is a sign of freedom
• Not quite the leap off the dam in The Fugitive but it’s appropriate for this budget
• German punk rockers to the rescue! Wait, is their name “Ku Kult?”
• Wait, is he going BACK to East Germany?
• OK the makeup was a funny bit
• “Send the bill to the Betas.”
• “You jumped into a moat with my Nikon?”
• Back in 1985, you could get away with two F-bombs, nudity, and sex scenes in a PG-13
• “I put cocaine on my cornflakes!”
• “What just happened to your accent?”
• “They’re on my turf now!”
• Ending the film by forcibly tranquilizing a coed