“Don’t you see, Derek has to die, then you can be my mommy.”

Justin’s rating: Kills ‘R Us

Justin’s review: My first exposure to Mickey Rooney was on the Simpsons, when he came on that episode where Milhouse is Fallout Boy. You know, the “Jiminny Jillikers!” one. I remember thinking at the time, “Who the heck is Mickey Rooney?” and being vaguely aware that he was an actor from The Long Ago Times. But perhaps if my parents had invested more in my Silent Night, Deadly Night education, I would’ve known him as the pillowy old dude from the horror movie series that he initially disavowed.

It’s kind of crazy to me that the original SNDN made it to five entries (with two more reboots in recent years). I’m skipping ahead to the fifth one for no good reason other than murderous toys is always a draw for me.*

Rooney is Joe, the titular Toy Maker, a crazed Gepetto-type guy who makes these off-brand toys and even a deranged mannequin robot son for himself. Joe sends the one-star Amazon reviewed toys out into the community to wreak havoc, but a former soldier and a mute kid are on to his evil plot.

They better move fast, because the creepy robot Pino** is trying to put moves on the mute boy’s mom and kill anyone who might compete for her affection. Like the toaster.

Mickey Rooney’s overacting and anger seem to come from a disturbing place rooted in the actor himself. Reportedly, he was shamed at having to take a part in a series he publicly criticized and then vented his frustration at everyone on set. In a movie with a kid at the center, Rooney sounds as though he was the most childish one of them all.

The slasher genre was really struggling to stay relevant in the early ’90s — and losing that battle. People weren’t that interested in them any more, so the gimmicks kept coming. Killer toys during Christmas? Robot kids? Mickey Rooney flying off the handle? That’s good for a couple rentals, maybe.

Instead of being a constantly bloody slasher, Silent Night Deadly Night 5 is more about unsettling toys that come alive — usually via puppetry or stop-motion — and turn on their owners. It’s a little disturbing but mostly absurd, once again giving adults the acting opportunity to pretend to struggle with a toy that’s “overpowering” them.

This made me think a bit of Halloween III’s offbeat approach to a toy-filled conspiracy. Instead of scaring people, I suspect that the main goal here was to give people certain scenes to talk about when recommending this to a friend.

Christmas horror movies are usually a blend of straight-forward slashers with some holiday theming. Silent Night Deadly Night 5 goes a different route with a more outlandish premise, crazed characters, and one messed-up toy catalogue. Save this one for a quiet December night and unwrap it — at your own peril!

*After all, I owned a Furby and a Teddy Ruxpin.

**Pino = Pinocchio. Joe Petto = Geppetto. Get it?

Intermission!

• This film’s tagline: “He’s home… but he’s not alone.”
• Maybe put a lock on your door, lady
• It’s a Pokeball! In 1991!
• Wait, why would you
• The Rambo cartoon! That’s always healthy for kids to watch.
• Nothing weird about a grown man playing with a room full of toys
• That’s the ugliest worm toy. I would’ve kicked the guy out of the room for that.
• Ew, the worm going through the guy’s head
• “How are the little germ-carriers today?”
• Clint Howard as a fake Santa!
• Rollerblading in 1991 alert (and they’re rocket-powered)
• Half this movie is this poor mom trying to get the mute kid to sleep in another room
• When a strange man come to your door asking to be your special friend, slamming the door in his face is a natural reaction
• What, is she trying to throw her keys away in the parking garage?
• She goes from running for her life from a guy to turning around and making out with him
• Is that bed on a trampoline foundation? It is VERY bouncy.
• “Where’d all these toys come from?”
• This kid is going to be traumatized FOR LIFE
• “Pretty mommy!”
• He is not anatomically correct
• Can we pause for a moment and realize that this aging toy maker was able to perfect artificial intelligence and android design in the early ’90s? He should’ve been working for NASA.