“Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I want to ‘Merry’ you.”

Justin’s rating: That quote up there sends me into a red rage that will end only in a manhunt across state lines

Justin’s review: I mean, thank goodness we have the Christmas season, because how else are two devastatingly attractive single people with disposable income and copious amounts of free time around the holidays find love?

So let us not look upon the tsunami of Christmas romcoms with derision but instead gratitude. And let us never once stop to ponder why these movies never star normal-looking people with double chins or a lazy eye or a wardrobe that consists entirely of pajama pants.

Of course, there always has to be a bump on the road to happily ever after, and for Mack (Emily Alatalo) it’s that she’s a klutzy cop, her mom (Lauren Holly!) is her intrusive captain, and the GQ guy she’s falling for is a possible criminal. But it’s Christmas, and Mack loooooooves Christmas to the MAX, so she’s going to get her naughty and nice no matter what.

And you know who also loooooooooves Christmas? Carson the criminal, played by Franco Lo Presti! Actually, Carson is suspected of being a diamond thief, which might have been a deal-breaker but actually makes the romance all that more forbidden. And hot. And fraught with all sorts of tension, especially when Carson’s ex-wife — an FBI agent — shows up to investigate him. Apparently the thief ring is trying to sell a diamond-encrusted reindeer, and at this point, I’m wondering why Jim Varney and Pauly Shore weren’t invited to this party.

Alatalo has a goofy charm and bit of an Anna Kendrick thing going on, but Lo Presti is a total dud of a love interest. Don’t get me wrong, he’s rocking some tight facial hair, but this type of character needed to be a scoundrel, not a wooden post who has no chemistry with anyone on the screen.

As this budget crime thriller and will they/won’t they romance runs in the background, we discover what this film is truly about: interior holiday decoration. Mack has a Christmas tree and wreath in every room of her house. Mack’s cop mom stuffs so much decoration in her office that the FBI agent audibly wonders what the heck is up with it all. Carson’s house is bursting with Christmas spirit — and he’s a bachelor. Even the stakeout house sports an adorable white tree in the corner.

Mack starts to date Carson as part of her undercover work (sure, sure), but don’t let this get in the way of you admiring the prop department’s fine work. I wouldn’t mind hiring these people to dress up my house for the season.

I also become low-key obsessed with these fake hot chocolate mugs that keep popping up in various scenes. They’re like a huge tall thing of cocoa with whipped cream, a fat marshmallow, and a candy cane on top, and yet nobody ever drinks from them, nor do they jiggle in the slightest. They’re obviously some big plastic decoration that was shoved into the characters’ hands, and they’re too noticeable to ignore, which probably defeats the purpose of any background prop. At one point, the drink even gets a full introduction and close-up, just in case you weren’t yet obsessed with it as I was.

As this Miss Congeniality knock-off continued, I couldn’t help but observe that these types of Hallmark films have a very specific cheesy style of acting. The dialogue is never natural but pat in a very scripted way, almost like it came out of a paperback novel. I suspect that this slick patter and say-what-you-feel characters is what lends this genre a comforting tone. It’s what it says on the tin with no surprises.

Overall, Christmas Catch a cringy, sweet, and ultimately forgettable holiday romcom that actually did have a happy ending in real life, as Emily Alatalo and Franco Lo Presti got married to each other a few years later. As for the film, there are a few moments of genuine comedy here, enough decorations to make your home look inferior, and plenty of cheeseball acting to mock… if you can rip your eyes away from that gorgeous garland centerpiece.

And the hot chocolate.

Intermission!

• Cops do a LOT of pointless chit-chat on their radio during undercover stakeouts
• Flirting involves a sexy walk and bobbing your body a lot while standing still and licking your lips and winking and blinking
• “Not you, arm-breaker.”
• That moment when you walk in slow-mo but everyone else is in normal time
• Everyone at this party is holding the exact same elaborate hot chocolate drink with the same topper and they never sip or slosh around.
• “Don’t blame the heels, if I look beautiful, they’re doing the job.”
• She sleeps with a giant Christmas tree in her bedroom?
• The captain has an over-decorated office
• When you get a stakeout house, it should be already decorated for Christmas.
• The FBI can order you to go on dates
• Mack is the WORST at being undercover and not revealing that she knows all sorts of details about her date
• “That was like a masterclass in how not to ask someone on a date.”
• “What in Santa’s workshop is this?”
• FASHION OUTFIT MONTAGE! Does she just have a costume chest in that closet?
• That dude’s got a red poinsettia decal on his laptop — and the same undrunk hot chocolate cups from the party
• Gay guys are scared of cleavage
• Guys, Ferris Bueller is not that obscure of a reference
• His Christmas decorations are “really pretty”
• THE HOT CHOCOLATE CUP IS BACK FOR DATE #2!
• “Work. I’m here for work.” You need to be more suspicious right now
• Tears: “They ordered me to go on a date with you! But I wanted to! I liked you!”
• OK these are too many tears for a broken date