“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a Spam.”

Justin’s rating: Long past its expiration date.

Justin’s review: What’s the most notoriously terrible animated movie ever made? There are sadly so many contestants for that dubious honor. You could put forth some more well-known mainstream efforts, like Boss Baby and The Emoji Movie. I would probably nominate Rapsitti Street Kids even if I’m the only person I know who’s seen that abomination. But for many people, including a wide swath of Hollywood, the answer to that question might well be Foodfight.

The story of Foodfight’s creation is an absolute saga that could take up a volume if told fully, and I’d rather get to the review. Suffice to say, this $65 million animated flick was conceived in the ’90s, directed by a guy who had no business handling it*, had much of the early work “stolen” (or, more likely, simply trashed by its director), switched animation styles halfway through, lost product placement sponsors, and was delayed from 2005 until it was finally auctioned and shoved out the door in 2012. Oh, and it only made $120,000 in the box office and instantly became a laughingstock in the industry.

A good chunk of the budget went to stocking this with a pretty high-profile cast. Big names here include Charlie Sheen, Christopher Lloyd, Hilary Duff, Wayne Brady, Eva Longoria, Jerry Stiller, and Ed Asner. They will adore you if you bring up this film if you ever meet them.

And that’s just the making of Foodfight. The actual movie is far, far more embarrassing.

The general idea here was to do Toy Story in a grocery store, where all of the brand mascots — called “Ikes” after “icons” — come alive after dark. Sometimes during the day too, as the consistency of the rules is not a high priority. The whole concept here is not a good idea, necessarily, but you can see where they were going with it. Product Placement: The Movie. The kids’ll literally eat it up.

Whatever the intentions, the end result is uncanny valley nightmare fuel. The computer animation would look awful for 1999, nevermind 2012. It’s so plasticky and fakey, with no depth or style. Once you see it all in action, you’ll physically recoil from your screen, especially when characters flap their mouth-units and words kind of float out from them. Again, it’s no Rapsittie Street Kids level of sheer awfulness, but it’s maybe next door neighbor to it.

The dialogue is likewise trashy. The writers’ room had to be stocked with dads who dared each other to put every bad food-related double entendre and corporate slogan into every scene, because it’s a barrage of puns that ping-pong between being painful and occasionally a little bit clever. Oh, and racist. And inappropriately sexual. In fact, Foodfight is way more sexual than you’d assume for a PG-rated kids flick, but none of it is remotely sexy.

Our hero of the day is Dex Dogtective (Sheen), a cereal mascot who’s a combination of Indiana Jones and Rick Blaine and the ghosts of a thousand euthanized pound puppies. He’s got a hyperactive squirrel comic relief pal (Brady) and a cat-girlfriend (Duff). Dex’s world of Marketropolis** comes under threat by generic Brand X products moving onto store shelves, and he investigates to find the hideous truth behind them. Eventually, yes, there’s a food fight.

So if you’re keeping track at home, the implied moral here is that more expensive name brand products are the “good guys” and cheaper generics are “Nazi evil.” Oh, and I’m not throwing around “Nazi” just for shock value — Brand X’s uniforms and German accents are clearly modeled on Nazi imagery, because that’s completely appropriate for a kids movie.

Christopher Lloyd plays Mr. Clipboard, an absolutely terrifying goosestepping, eye-bulging sales Brand X robot that would’ve scarred kids for life if any kids actually saw this. In a movie brimming with every animation “don’t,” this character stands out as its greatest sin and most likely to leave my eye twitching for the next week. (Second to Mr. Clipboard is “every human customer” in the supermarket, which are also grotesque in their own way.)

I could go on for paragraphs detailing everything wrong about this film. The rules to the Ikes’ world are confusing and inconsistent and never explained. There are cut ‘n paste assets everywhere. Horrific murder happens, and not just once. Some of the voice work sounds as though it was recorded over the phone. Characters jerk and thrash and spin without any real reason. The lip sync never once matches what’s being said. And Dex eats raisins constantly, a food that is known to be quite toxic in dogs. Hey kids, let’s play Foodfight at home! Here’s a box of raisins, go find Poochie!

Foodfight’s greatest asset to our culture is, strangely, in its entertainment value, just not in the way that the filmmakers intended. The unrestrained visual repulsiveness, the terrible writing, and the abuse of familiar food mascots makes this a perfect package for a night of riffing and mocking — if you’ve got the friends who are down for the worst of the worst. Otherwise, trust me and do not attempt to watch this solo.

*Lawrence Kasanoff wrote the screenplay for 1997’s Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, which disqualified him from anything creative forever after. Or it should have. He was very gross behind the scenes here, developing a public fetish for the Lady X character and demanding the animators give him nudes of her.

**This film’s writing motto was “Don’t spend more than 1.2 seconds coming up with any name!”

Intermission!

• Tie-in books for Foodfight were published around 2007, despite the movie being five years away. They REALLY wanted this to be the next Toy Story.
• Wait, how do the grocery aisles transform into canals and roads?
• Kung Tofu
• Dogs like raisins? I guess? This one does, at least.
• So. Much. Spinning.
• USDA Today. OK, that’s clever.
• “Sunshine, my only sunshine.”
• What do cat-girls have to do with raisins?
• “Nice packaging, how’d you like to get some chocolate frosting?” “Get a shelf life!” WHY WOULD THIS BE IN A CHILDREN’S MOVIE
• The generic version of the Keebler Elves and their tree
• I don’t think that the California Raisins were relevant even in 2012
• “Got milk?” “Do I look like the Dairy Queen to you?”
• “You can kiss my additives!”
• “Rigor moldis has set in.”
• “Don’t cry for me Charlie Tuna!”
• “I want to scrub your bubbles, Dex.”
• Clothes driers have fire and holograms inside of them
• Why do we need tin foil statue making at the end of this film? What’s the point?
• The X-with-a-circle logo looks like the X-Men logo for sure
• This food fight keeps going and going and going
• “No one puts Polar in the freezer!”
• “I’m going to pop your corn, lady.” what
• The Brand X general wets himself and is vocally delighted about it
• Dex is Jewish, and he defeated those bad ol’ Nazis