“I’d say you have deep, deep psychological problems.”

Justin’s rating: Who WOULDN’T skip over puberty if they had the chance?

Justin’s review: I hold no judgment for those who consider Jennifer Garner’s 13 Going on 30 a guilty pleasure. It was an odd body swap-ish movie with gaping logical plot holes and a bizarre conclusion, yet everyone liked the Thriller thing and couldn’t harbor any ill will against Garner’s magnetic smile.

What’s bizarre is that for all of 13 Going on 30’s fame, nobody today recalls the Disney Sunday TV movie that allegedly inspired the more famous 2004 version, an oversight that I shall rectify right now. Ladies and gentlemen, meet 14 Going on 30.

Teenage science wiz Lloyd invents a machine that rapidly embiggens the smallest of man (or pumpkin seed). His troublemaking best pal Danny, who’s hopelessly in love with his teacher Peggy (Daphne Ashbrook, Doctor Who: The Movie), begs to use the machine to grow up so that he can make his move before she gets married to the abrasive gym teacher.

One overloaded zap later, and newly 30 Danny (played as an adult by The Wraith’s Steven Eckholdt) lucks into the position of the principal of his very own high school. This is only possible because (a) his parents are out of town, (b) nobody checked social security numbers for employment tax forms in 1988, and (c) the real replacement principal isn’t scheduled to show up until the next week. And because his unorthodox methods are wildly successful, everyone accepts him without so much as a question of background checks.

Yes, this is totally Big, right down to the wish fulfillment, body swap, and slightly questionable (but please don’t think about it too much, please) romance between an upjumped kid and a clueless adult. Heck, it’s even the same year.

If you haven’t watched these Disney TV movies from the ’80s and ’90s, let me tell you that there’s a schmaltzy charm to them that’s pretty darn endearing. You get a high cheese factor, sure, but past that is a lot of heart and humor. Plus, you could count on Disney-of-old to be wholesome, which is a rarity these days.

I think you can get a good sense of this by viewing 14 Going on 30. At its heart, it’s a fun teen fantasy — jump into adulthood! Woo that cute teacher you’ve had an eternal crush on! Be your own principal! Call the shots!

Danny and Lloyd are extremely likable with their enthusiasm and penchant for always getting into trouble together. I thought that both kid Danny and adult Danny were very well acted and likable, and Lloyd is a pretty significant character in his own right.

As the pair barrel into this ridiculous situation — which is treated light-hearted and usually played for laughs — questions arise. Just how long can Danny keep this charade going? How can he break up Peggy and the gym jerk? Can Lloyd fix the machine and turn him back into a teen? And how will this romance resolve?

Not the highest of stakes, but it’s still enough to propel this hour-and-a-half flick forward at a brisk pace to a satisfying conclusion. If you’re looking for an energetic feel-good flick that may well be a candidate for a guilty pleasure in and of itself, 14 Going on 30 could do the trick.

Intermission!

• Computery opening credits are so nostalgic. The ’80s was deeply in love with computers. It’s a dreamy main theme too.
• Patrick Duffy! Alan Thicke! Loretta Swift! Dick Van Patten!
• Danny’s got his own school mail inbox
• Blown kisses can and will knock you over
• “You messing with me punk?” “Apparently I am, sir.”
• How many M*A*S*H actors are in this movie?
• “They know how to use luggage, may.”
• The growing plant is pretty nifty
• Do you dream in game shows too?
• “You ain’t no tomato, Danny.”
• Danny as adult hiding in his bed as his parents kiss him goodbye
• Danny is not a good first-time shaver
• He’s LITERALLY being given keys to his entire school
• He cancels detention and hall passes
• PA announcement music montage gets everyone dancing
• “Did you need anything in specific or are you making sure that my elbow works?”
• The gym class clothing revolt. That’s a LOT of color.
• Danny continually mispronouncing the gym teacher’s name is a fun gag
• The ol’ Home Alone silhouette cutout on a train trick
• Danny choses the absolute worst sports coat for his date
• Dude, don’t perve on her undies
• Danny cannot drive stick to save his life
• “The name is Bob, sir.”
• “The way the candlelight catches your eyes reminds me of… parrots after the wart, gargling with a thousand limes.”
• “Snails are always in season.”
• “I ate a handful of worms on a bet, won five bucks.”
• “I’d rather fill and flow than dump and trickle.”
• He’s weirdly good at selling snail food
• Why not put on a dance with your GIANT PICTURE looming over everyone
• This movie has a whole lot of artichokes, I was not expecting that. And snails.
• Danny’s desk is crammed with candy
• Nobody has a problem with a principal slow-dancing with a teacher exclusively
• “No melt! No melt!”
• Punching hurts but feels good too
• Bike chase scene! Shades of E.T.!
• “All you gotta do is act like a cucumber!”
• OK that ending is perfect