“Copy that, sir, but… Chainsaw don’t make you bulletproof.”

Drake’s rating: Out of curiosity, what brand of chainsaw does Leatherface use?

Drake’s review: Coherency has never been the strong suit for any given slasher franchise, but even so, the history of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre films has been fairly absurd. It took some 12 years for the first sequel to hit theaters, and then two more films sputtered out of whichever studio held the TCM rights at the time before the franchise finally went dormant in the mid-90s. But then along came a remake eight years later, followed by a prequel, followed by another seven years of nothing as the rights once again lapsed, leaving Lionsgate the opening to come swooping in to make… another sequel to the original film.

Which, sure, is one idea. Again, it had been done already, and by original director Tobe Hooper to boot,* but if you want to use the original film as your only source material and ignore all of the other films in the series** then going the direct sequel route is probably the way to go.

But if that’s the direction you’re intent on going, you should probably make sure you don’t muck up the timeline in the process.

Because that’s what happens with Texas Chainsaw, which begins with flashbacks from the original film which, I’ll remind everyone, premiered in 1974. After the escape of Sally Hardesty, a sheriff comes to the Sawyer house to arrest Leatherface, which can only send one down a rabbit hole of wondering just what his mug shot would look like. But before the Sawyers can turn him over, a mob intent on vigilante justice arrives, shoots up the place, sets it ablaze with Molotov cocktails, and pretty much ends the local Sawyer line once and for all.

Except they don’t, as a young Sawyer woman escapes from the fire, clutching her baby protectively. She’s unlucky enough to run into one of the vigilantes, who unceremoniously kills her and then takes the baby home to be raised by him and his wife. That baby then grows up to be present day (as of 2013) Alexandra Daddario who, yes, should be around 40. But she’s not, she’s in her mid-20s and none of this makes sense.

Now I think the filmmakers are trying to be coy about when the events of the original movie took place, as they hide the dates relating to it a few times, with a tombstone overgrown with weeds and a newspaper date that’s just out of frame. But c’mon, we all know The Texas Chainsaw Massacre occurred in the early 1970s, and unless this film comes out and directly refutes that fact with a rock-solid date of its own, that’s going to be the assumption of everyone watching this flick.

And since they don’t come out and directly alter the dates, it all feels kind of awkward and weird. Kind of how I feel whenever Heather glares at me after I take the last slice of government cheese from the Mutant Refrigerator in the break room.

In my defense, someone has to feed the Mutant Mice. Those things get mean when they’re hungry.

So, yeah, Texas Chainsaw dives into the sequel pool and then does an immediate belly flop because they screw up the timeline something fierce. Now that’s probably the worst mistake this flick makes, because the storyline is actually pretty good and the film looks great, but it’s still a doozy of an unforced error.

The movie does give us the requisite young adults for Leatherface to chew through with his trusty chainsaw, and also several older victims as a few of the vigilantes are still around and intent on ending the Sawyer line for good this time. And as that includes both Leatherface and his newfound cousin Heather (Daddario), the two end up becoming an unlikely team. Kind of a beauty and the beast thing, but without the romance since they are cousins. And also because, psycho member of the Sawyer clan or not, Heather is just way out of Leatherface’s league.

It’s had to drag on this movie too much, since it honestly seems to be trying to update the franchise while expanding on the ideas from the original film. And that was probably never going to work since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a difficult film to follow up. Even Tobe Hooper shifted gears like mad for his own sequel, turning it into a black comedy rather than a horror flick. But Texas Chainsaw plays it straight for the most part, adds in an extended Sawyer family as well as some homegrown antagonists, and then invalidates itself almost immediately by seemingly not knowing in just what year its own events take place.

But, hey, Alexandra Daddario is always fun and Dan Yeager makes a convincing Leatherface, so if you’re looking for some fairly mindless power tool-related mayhem that just happens to take place in the 28th state to join the Union, you could do worse. It’s not Shakespeare, but then again Juliet never heaved a chainsaw towards Tybalt and growled, “Do your thing, cuz!”

But to be fair, “Verona Chainsaw” just doesn’t have the same ring.

*And would be done yet again nine years later.

**Some of which should be ignored, honestly.

Intermission!

• Alexandra Daddario’s tummy should have its own credit, as it’s prominently displayed throughout this flick.
• Sure, just take the baby from the dead woman and raise her as your own. That was just how adoption worked in the ‘70s.
• I wonder if her boyfriend’s kickboxing will become a plot point.
• Spoiler: It will not.
• Heather’s friends are kind of annoying. I won’t miss them.
• They have a van, of course. And they pick up a hitchhiker. Look, I’m sure this movie will have an original thought at some point soon.
• A kitchen with a secret passage to a hidden basement.
• Yes, by all means try to get the attention of the guy with the chainsaw.
• “Welcome to Texas!” No, Leatherface is from Texas. You’re the ones visiting.
• Chainsaws can be ranged weapons. I did not know that.
• Fighting Leatherface in a slaughterhouse is just an incredibly bad idea.
• I don’t think Heather’s adoptive parents are going to be on her Christmas card list this year.