“That yo-yo jumped out the window!”

Justin’s rating: 90 minutes of sheer, undiluted boredom

Justin’s review: Woe be to the Mutant Reviewer who begins a film series that isn’t actually very good, for he or she will be cursed to cover all of the sequels for the sake of completion. That’s the unwritten rule here, and it is an unbreakable one. That is why I shake my fist at the Justin of 2022, who thought that he’d casually stroll into the ’70s trilogy of Spider-Man TV films and not worry about the consequences.

Well, after stomping through Spider-Man and Spider-Man Strikes Back, all I have left of this set of jury-rigged films* is Spider-Man: The Dragon’s Challenge. This was the final of the three flicks to be assembled, and the very last Spider-Man movie until the Sam Raimi one in 2002.

So if the ’70s Spider-Man TV series couldn’t or wouldn’t draw enemies from the comic book pages, the next best thing must be throwing our Friendly Neighborhood Webslinger into Hong Kong right as the martial arts film craze was heating up, yes?

After watching all three of these movies, I’m convinced that the creators never read a single Spider-Man comic and had no idea how to handle this property. Kids and fans didn’t need long, meandering espionage plots doused in politics and business lingo. They needed a clear bad guy with a simple plan to conquer the country with robots or turn giraffes into nuclear-powered sonic assassins, and a bunch of minions for Spider-Man to slap around until it was time for the boss fight. That’s it.

Spider-Man the TV show, however, was all about padding with very little payoff and little special effects. It’s mostly a stunt guy jumping over railings and wrestling with people while really hoping that you’ll forget he’s supposed to be able to shoot webs. Maybe this could’ve been salvaged if Peter Parker was the world-class snarker he is in the comics, but Nicholas Hammond and the writers can’t do anything with the character other than making him a sincere and bland nice guy.

The first half of this film — or the first of the two episodes from which it was constructed — mostly follows around a Chinese friend of J Jonah Jamison in New York City as mooks try to knock him off. This is part of a too-dull-for-the-telling plot about some company and a business deal and a World War II secret and whatever else. In the second half, Spider-Man goes to Japan and China for some sight-seeing and tussles with kung fu fanatics.

Again, this could’ve been a terrific idea had the stuntmen been up to the task. Loads of martial arts fights against a highly agile spider-dude? But for whatever reason, everyone here literally pulls punches and waters down these confrontations. Spider-Man is also weirdly ineffective in most encounters, struggling to win fights and continually getting knocked out by tranq darts.

Spider-Man does have a suit upgrade… or really, a downgrade, because a chunky utility belt makes me think of the hokey Batman. Maybe Spidey needed a fanny pack? He also takes a hit in the reputation department, as this one girl keeps thinking that Peter Parker is a complete coward because he keeps disappearing whenever bad guys show up. She ends up discovering that Peter is Spider-Man, but it doesn’t matter one bit. That’s how impactful this film is.

All I’m left with is more evidence that the 1970s were a blight on culture. The look and especially sound of this film is ugly and off-putting, with even Spider-Man’s trademark red-and-blue suit less inspiring and more like a guy on Sesame Street trying to impress Big Bird and Grover.

*This being a TV series in the US which was then recut and edited together to make a few films that were shown theatrically overseas.

Intermission!

• If you want more ’70s era Spider-Man, look up “Spidey Super Stories.” These were 29 short skits done for PBS’ The Electric Company. They didn’t have any other characters from the comics either, but there was a good sense of fun and some nice comic page visuals.
• What a dud of an intro music suite
• If only they had Google Image Search back in 1979, IDing people from a photo would be a lot easier
• Spidey Sense makes your eyes glow in a most creepy way
• Spider-Man casually tries to murder a guy by pushing over tons of filing cabinets on him
• It’s nice that assassins give everyone a lot of time to react to an imminent murder
• Maybe take the guy’s gun away? Don’t leave it in his hands as you wrap him up?
• Ooh a plot point with MICROFILM