“Look what I see, baby star rats.”

Justin’s rating: But where are the male skorts? TNG Season One, you lied to me!

Justin’s review: When Pandora’s Box of Cheesy CGI was opened in the mid-90s, it spread unrestrained throughout the horror and scifi genres. The “cool factor” of these PlayStation 1-style cutscenes was pretty high at the time, despite none of this integrating visually into movies. We were just happy to get a lot of new shiny spaceships and monsters at a bulk rate, rather than the skimpy morsels of practical effects from the past.

Even TV shows and projects were enthralled with CGI, most famously in Babylon 5, but also in lesser movies like Star Command (also known as Into the Fold). This particular entry was a failed pilot which ended up as an ambitious but now forgotten UPN film.

A half-dozen or so fresh graduates of the Star Corps are assigned to a ship called the Surprise for their maiden training cruise. However, their first assignment — which has something to do with defending a super-earth from bad guys wanting to steal it — turns sour when their two executive officers (including Morgan Fairchild*) are killed. Suddenly, these ragtag misfits find themselves in charge of the ship that’s the only chance a colony has from complete extermination.

Just in case you find yourself at a loss as to who the good and bad guys are, Star Command graciously helps by color-coding uniforms. If the people are wearing black, they’re evil space Nazis. If the people are wearing the most blinding white this side of stormtroopers, they’re the virtuous space heroes. And if they’re wearing skimpy miniskirts, they’re female actors hired to be eye candy.**

I’m at a loss to figure out how this organization works, because it seems like there’s no station assignments or roles. It’s more of a “whoever gets to a console first and yells about it the most” gets dibs. Also, there’s a robot who reminds me a lot of Johnny Five from Short Circuit. I love me some generic Johnny Five.

We do get to know these ensigns a little bit, who include scrappy street girl, a jock, a coward, a self-doubting pilot, X2’s Kelly Hu, and Not Quite Human’s Jay Underwood. It is kind of strange that this entire ship only has eight people total, especially if you’re used to Star Trek, but hey, this is their world, so I can’t nitpick this too much. And the ship sets are surprisingly (pun intended) decent.

While it does come across as a standard pulpy space opera, Star Command still delivers cheesy entertainment by the minute. I appreciated the snappy pace, going from a graduation to a war zone in record time. There are space bars, disasters, out-of-nowhere confessions, stealthy strategies, loads of combat, and even a trial. It’s a packed 90 minutes of space warfare and miniskirts, and that’s not the worst way to spend an evening, even if this is an original IP that goes nowhere and means nothing in the larger scheme.

*Morgan Fairchild was 46 at the filming of this. I’m now older than that. This makes me sad.

**Seriously, I have not seen starship miniskirts like this since the O.G. Star Trek back in the ’60s.

Intermission!

• This was penned by Star Trek: The Next Generation writer Melinda Snodgrass and directed by Babylon 5 staple Jim Johnson, so it’s no surprise that it has the feel of both shows
• Would there really be a “land rush” in a galaxy with billions of stars?
• So many white outfits… and escalators
• Hey, it’s a cool robot that looks a lot like Johnny Five
• Bar fight scenes are weird with no music
• There are mail-carrying ships
• Everyone running to the bridge in their pajamas is kind of funny
• Beating the crap out of each other bonds men together
• There’s a VR torture machine, because this is the ’90s and scifi. It was the law at the time to use VR in everything.
• “I’m usually cooler than that.”
• Haha the captain putting himself in a pleasure program to call an ensign to his office
• The big glowy “SURPRISE” sign on the ship wall is unintentionally hilarious
• The bridge ceiling is made of milk crates, I guess
• Brace for impact into a cutscene!
• “Shut up, metal-mouth!”
• The wardroom has the comfiest of lounge chairs
• The end of funerals are so awkward sometimes
• Snow can have bad chemicals that ruin your suits
• An effective attack is to jump on someone and wrap your legs around them like you’re going to make out with them
• Why do none of the keys on this starship have english on them? They’re all random symbols.
• “You’re trying to find a clever solution when there isn’t one.”
• The adorably cute little tribunal bell
• A “secret” vote is when you drop colored balls in full sight of everyone else
• Well he hanged himself, better close the door without taking him down or anything. Wonder if they just left a dangling corpse in that room for the rest of the film.
• “Permission to get really depressed?” “Denied.”
• Do they have trampolines on this ship?