“Where in the cosmos did that space jockey get his license?”

Justin’s rating: It’s such a crying shame that MST3K never covered this flick, because it’s perfect for the riffing treatment

Justin’s review: I don’t know who grabbed that grubby monkey paw in 1979 and made the wish for Star Wars, just Star Wars made by an Italian director for a tenth of the budget, but that poor sop got his or her wish. That year, The Humanoid entered the increasingly crowded field of Star Wars knock-offs.

In this evening’s performance, Darth Vader will be played by Graal, the evil brother of earth’s peaceful leader. Capitalizing on his dark costume fashion, Graal steals a Star Destroyer — its look is so similar it can’t be anything but — and makes with a plan to create unstoppable humanoids (think “invincible zombies”) to conquer the world. He’s also best pals with mad scientist Dr Kraspin and vampire wannabe Lady Agatha, who help him get revenge upon a space princess named Barbara and capture the needed “Kapitron” that will be used for the humanoids.

Fortunately for whatever this galaxy may be, there are a few bold souls standing in Graal’s way. Our hero is Golob, played by James Bond villain Richard Kiel in a very ’70s beard. Golob’s got a robot dog — think generic “R2D2” — for the sole purpose of having something to talk to during all of his solo scenes. Kiel may have become a legend for his portrayal as Jaws, but if you’ve seen Happy Gilmore, you know he’s only to be used sparingly. Here, he’s shoved into so many scenes that you can’t avoid how much he’s so not a leading man.

Golob is eventually captured and turned into the titular humanoid who does Graal’s bidding, but that doesn’t automatically spell doom for the nice people who wear white all the time. There’s some annoying kid named Tom Tom who’s got magic powers and ghost archer protectors, and there’s also a dude named Nick who’s dreamy even when he’s failing to make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs.

Yeah, this is absolutely terrible… and terribly awesome. This is exactly what you want from a fun bad movie: Straight-faced silliness, deluded aspirations, bad performances, and blatant theft from better films. The secret sauce that makes all such films work is a director who genuinely cares and pours a lot of effort into a sinking ship.

As stupid as this plot is, at least it’s not in a boring film. There are pretty good sets and costumes, for starters, and some of the firefights are positively brutal in their casualty rates. You never have to wait long for the next ridiculous line or development, and everyone’s overacting to the nines to get you to pay attention to them and only them.

I can’t say if this is any better than, say, Starcrash or Star Odyssey, but it’s got a certain charm to it that kept my eyes glued to the screen for its entire runtime. Plus, you can always create a running list of all the ways it copied George Lucas’ famous film.

Intermission!

• For a film composed by legendary Ennio Morricone, this soundtrack is a horrible bleeping synth trip
• Hey, is that a discount Star Destroyer flying overhead?
• Graal’s mask looks so awkward. How does he drink and eat with a bar over his mouth?
• The totally-not-a-landspeeder
• Dude, that’s a laser MASSACRE. Like 20 people killed in about two minutes.
• “He’ll dock me for this… if I’m lucky.”
• Stripped of his privileges for 100 days! That’s worse than a Force choking!
• Video games in this galaxy look so boring
• “It means ‘ocean of wisdom’ but I like ‘Tom Tom’ too.”
• That kid is straight-up annoying
• “Great, we’re being sucked into a magnetic void!”
• I love the touch of the robodog wagging his tail, which is an antenna
• Becoming a humanoid makes you impervious to laser fire
• The claw ship is nifty
• You tell him to go kill your brother, but you’re wearing a mask and haven’t even given him the name or identity of his target. More info is needed for assassinations, please.
• Wait, they’re firing NUCLEAR SHELLS at this guy? That seems a little irresponsible.
• The robot dog helps to bring zombies back their memories
• Graal’s got laser hands!
• Ack, lady vampire melted down into a skeleton!
• I need this movie to stop and give me a full explanation for the ghost archers
• Tom Tom is going back to Tibet